Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I want to get away from my partner

32 replies

marvmaise · 23/08/2021 12:05

This will be long- when I fell pregnant with my DD my partner decided to stay in the army even though he promised me at the end of this year he'd be out, so he can get his qualifications in mechanics and have a stable job- I did not mind this but he is so bad with money I knew this job wouldn't make a difference only in security, that it was already decided from him that I'd be a stay at home mum and expected to get a part time job to work from home, which isn't my ambitions but it is what it is.
We decided to move up north even though I'm from south, as his nans house was being sold and he had no where to go.
I'm now regretting moving from my grandads house who I've lived with my entire life as he is very lonely and I'm so use to caring for him. Now I'm alone too in this big house and new area, but my partner insists we can't move because of money- all though he wants to spend his tax rebate on a dog!!!?
Even though I'm receiving benefits I pay the most financially, leaving me with nothing to myself and he always manages money for nights out with his mates ect.

OP posts:

Original poster

marvmaise · 23/08/2021 12:08

@marvmaise

This will be long- when I fell pregnant with my DD my partner decided to stay in the army even though he promised me at the end of this year he'd be out, so he can get his qualifications in mechanics and have a stable job- I did not mind this but he is so bad with money I knew this job wouldn't make a difference only in security, that it was already decided from him that I'd be a stay at home mum and expected to get a part time job to work from home, which isn't my ambitions but it is what it is. We decided to move up north even though I'm from south, as his nans house was being sold and he had no where to go. I'm now regretting moving from my grandads house who I've lived with my entire life as he is very lonely and I'm so use to caring for him. Now I'm alone too in this big house and new area, but my partner insists we can't move because of money- all though he wants to spend his tax rebate on a dog!!!? Even though I'm receiving benefits I pay the most financially, leaving me with nothing to myself and he always manages money for nights out with his mates ect.

All in all things have been turning me off of this relationship, he hasn't been a very good partner although he is a good dad, but things like he found his long lost sister a few months ago and wants to take our two month old son to meet her but not me- when asked why he said because it'll be emotional as it is, and I just had to shut up because arguing with him is the worst thing in the world. I don't feel like I get a say of anything in the relationship I feel like everything is for him all the time, I can't freely go and visit my family even though half of them haven't met the baby but all of his has because he whisked me back up north so soon, and said if they wanted to meet him why didn't they come round and they had their chance, like they all don't have jobs ect

OP posts:

Original poster

marvmaise · 23/08/2021 12:11

@marvmaise

This will be long- when I fell pregnant with my DD my partner decided to stay in the army even though he promised me at the end of this year he'd be out, so he can get his qualifications in mechanics and have a stable job- I did not mind this but he is so bad with money I knew this job wouldn't make a difference only in security, that it was already decided from him that I'd be a stay at home mum and expected to get a part time job to work from home, which isn't my ambitions but it is what it is. We decided to move up north even though I'm from south, as his nans house was being sold and he had no where to go. I'm now regretting moving from my grandads house who I've lived with my entire life as he is very lonely and I'm so use to caring for him. Now I'm alone too in this big house and new area, but my partner insists we can't move because of money- all though he wants to spend his tax rebate on a dog!!!? Even though I'm receiving benefits I pay the most financially, leaving me with nothing to myself and he always manages money for nights out with his mates ect.

And now I have to wait till Friday for him to get home all alone in this place if he can even afford it because his auntie and uncle are coming round and he made sure I wasn't making plans 'behind his back' to go and visit my grandad who I just got off the phone to and is very upset that I am away again. But I feel like I can't even disagree with my partner. The last argument we had, I wanted to just leave the house and he told me I couldn't take the baby with me, so I had to stay put while he took DS upstairs and I sat downstairs sobbing and feeling completely powerless. Yet I don't get a say if he can take our child to meet his sister that I'm not even allowed to meet! Someone help me am I crazy like what do i do!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

marvmaise · 23/08/2021 12:12

@marvmaise

This will be long- when I fell pregnant with my DD my partner decided to stay in the army even though he promised me at the end of this year he'd be out, so he can get his qualifications in mechanics and have a stable job- I did not mind this but he is so bad with money I knew this job wouldn't make a difference only in security, that it was already decided from him that I'd be a stay at home mum and expected to get a part time job to work from home, which isn't my ambitions but it is what it is. We decided to move up north even though I'm from south, as his nans house was being sold and he had no where to go. I'm now regretting moving from my grandads house who I've lived with my entire life as he is very lonely and I'm so use to caring for him. Now I'm alone too in this big house and new area, but my partner insists we can't move because of money- all though he wants to spend his tax rebate on a dog!!!? Even though I'm receiving benefits I pay the most financially, leaving me with nothing to myself and he always manages money for nights out with his mates ect.

I have a son not daughter sorry typo at beginning

OP posts:

category12 · 23/08/2021 12:30

It sounds like he's pretty controlling.

Recommend you get yourself back to your granddad's with the baby. Don't consult him on this, just do it. If you can't pack up a car and go, or get family to pick you up, just get a ticket home and take what you can carry.

Branleuse · 23/08/2021 12:32

you dont need his permission. I would take your child and move back to where your family are. Thats where you were originally not even very long ago and hes trying to isolate you from your own family and potentially financial abuse and also lies, so I dont think it would be difficult to get permission even if he tried to stop you. Get yourself down there. He doesnt own you, so dont let him treat you like hes your boss

justthecat · 23/08/2021 12:35

Pack up your stuff and take your son back to your grandads

category12 · 23/08/2021 12:35

For help, you can drop into your local pharmacy (with the baby), and ask for "ani".

Your gp surgery should also help. You can try talking to your health visitor.

Also you can try calling Women's Aid of local domestic abuse services.

timeisnotaline · 23/08/2021 12:36

You need to take baby and go back to your grandpas. Have you any wonderful friends who would come up and help pack? (& call police if he kicked off). If not, does he work? Can you pack the car while he’s at work and leave?
If neither of those you will just have to start gathering some things discretely, pretend you are going to a shop or park, look like you’re just taking nappy bag, buggy and baby carrier, and not come back.

These are much better options than trying to talk to him. You can talk to him when you’re safely away.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/08/2021 12:37

Echo the rest of the posters in here, just pack your shit up and move back to your granddad

Original poster

marvmaise · 23/08/2021 12:51

@category12

It sounds like he's pretty controlling.

I live about 4 hours away from all my family now so I'd really have to ask about to get someone to pick me up, aswell his dear nan gave him loads of furniture so everything in this house is his and because he lives part time on camp expect home on weekend if he can afford the petrol, I said before giving up the house and moving but he said it was selfish of me because 'we worked so hard to get this house' when I did all the travelling up by train at 30 weeks pregnant and pay all the bills except gas and electric, he won't have anywhere for his furniture and stuff to go

OP posts:

Original poster

marvmaise · 23/08/2021 12:52

@Branleuse

It just fathoms me how I earn half of what he earns yet his money just goes every month and I ended up paying for everything but if I ask 'it's none of my business'

OP posts:

Original poster

marvmaise · 23/08/2021 12:54

@timeisnotaline

You need to take baby and go back to your grandpas. Have you any wonderful friends who would come up and help pack? (& call police if he kicked off). If not, does he work? Can you pack the car while he’s at work and leave? If neither of those you will just have to start gathering some things discretely, pretend you are going to a shop or park, look like you’re just taking nappy bag, buggy and baby carrier, and not come back.

These are much better options than trying to talk to him. You can talk to him when you’re safely away.

He's not hear 5 days a week but he said I'd be selfish to give up the house, but it just made me think that the only reason he's saying that is because he has no where else to go and then I felt bad and I'd be responsible if anything went wrong, I'm too far away from my friends and family now so it'd be me hoping on a train with DS with as much stuff as I can

OP posts:

Original poster

marvmaise · 23/08/2021 12:56

@marvmaise

This will be long- when I fell pregnant with my DD my partner decided to stay in the army even though he promised me at the end of this year he'd be out, so he can get his qualifications in mechanics and have a stable job- I did not mind this but he is so bad with money I knew this job wouldn't make a difference only in security, that it was already decided from him that I'd be a stay at home mum and expected to get a part time job to work from home, which isn't my ambitions but it is what it is. We decided to move up north even though I'm from south, as his nans house was being sold and he had no where to go. I'm now regretting moving from my grandads house who I've lived with my entire life as he is very lonely and I'm so use to caring for him. Now I'm alone too in this big house and new area, but my partner insists we can't move because of money- all though he wants to spend his tax rebate on a dog!!!? Even though I'm receiving benefits I pay the most financially, leaving me with nothing to myself and he always manages money for nights out with his mates ect.

How do I go about this whole sister thing aswell? He won't let me meet her but he wants to take our son too and didn't even ask but yet I can't even take him out when in an argument to cool off! It makes me feel so iffy

OP posts:

Dragongirl10 · 23/08/2021 13:02

Op take a good hard look at your situation op...

Is this the way you want to live long term?
No money
No support
Not listened too?
Gaslighted?
Isolated from your loved ones?

No brainer, leave him, don't ask just go

justthecat · 23/08/2021 13:03

It doesn’t matter about the sister if you’ve already left, just pack and jump on train

litterbird · 23/08/2021 13:09

Go back to your grandads asap OP. There is nothing in this relationship to stay for. Get stuff organised, get help from family or friends to come and get you or get money to hire a small van or car......just get out.

Original poster

marvmaise · 23/08/2021 13:09

@Dragongirl10

Op take a good hard look at your situation op...

Is this the way you want to live long term?
No money
No support
Not listened too?
Gaslighted?
Isolated from your loved ones?

No brainer, leave him, don't ask just go

The thing is aswell I've just been out on anti depressants because my mental health sky rocketed at the start of our relationship, as he cheated on me and gave me an std and got another girl pregnant- I was doing really well until that happened and I told him I had been cheated on a handful of times before he did that, and I stupidly took him back because he was crying that everyone leaves him so he wanted to get his own back before I did, even though I wasn't planning on leaving, if I just walked away with the baby he has parental rights- what if he uses the whole I'm mentally ill card to get the baby taken from me, he's always said if I spilt up with him he'd do everything in his power to get the baby back through the army

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 23/08/2021 13:09

For god's sake, just go. Ge-t on a train and go home to your grand-dad

litterbird · 23/08/2021 13:13

This story is getting worse. You need to listen OP.....get back to your grandads now my lovely.

Lovewineandchocs · 23/08/2021 13:37

he's always said if I spilt up with him he'd do everything in his power to get the baby back through the army

What a load of crap he’s talking. Have you posted about this before? If not, someone else had a partner who said exactly that, and they were told on here by several different people that the army does not have power to get involved in child contact cases.

timeisnotaline · 23/08/2021 13:43

The army will do fuck all to help this guy take your baby OP. Call women’s aid to reassure yourself. And get out of there.
Who gives a shit about whether baby meets his sister? Natural consequences of his being a controlling asshole. And who cares whether he can keep the house? You dont want to live there. You don’t want to live with him. He has a job, earns more than you, if he can’t keep the house it’s because he’s a feckless cheating loser.
Hop on a train. Go.

timeisnotaline · 23/08/2021 13:44

I should have added - the only thing the army will be useful for is making him pay maintenance! So it will be handy for you that he’s with the army.

SpnBaby1967 · 23/08/2021 13:50

Pack a bag for you and for baby and go back home!!

RandomMess · 23/08/2021 13:51

The sooner you go the less chance he has of making you come back via the courts.

Speak to woman's aid urgently.

He is using coercion, control and threats. You need to leave ASAP

Tirediam · 23/08/2021 13:57

This gets worse the more i read. Get out now! I know its not as easy as packing up and going BUT speak to a solicitor and any family that can help you and WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING he says and does. He is abusive..
and what about this other baby he has...? Does he see that baby?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread