Struggling to move on from end of FWB

[Changeofname12]

I met someone a few years ago after coming out of a long term relationship. We were both on a course through our jobs and found we had common interests. We ended up exchanging numbers, and while we started off as friends the chat became flirty and things went from there.

He is emotionally unavailable, so doesn't want a relationship. We've chatted almost daily for the last 3 years and I have mentioned feelings once or twice. He's reminded me that he can only offer a casual thing and nothing else. I'm 35 and he's late forties. I know he's had relationships before, but I think it was a while ago (although ive not really asked). In the time ive known him he hasn't been with anyone. He always came to mine, I didn't go to his... and even that wasn't very often, it was more so flirty chat and talking about our day, sometimes we would meet if we were in the same place for work.

Ive noticed the chatting is tailing off. We are now going days without contact. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut, because a few weeks ago I mentioned my feelings again and I think ive ruined things. I know I'm stupid, but to be honest I always hoped I could somehow change his mind.

I feel gutted. I'm assuming he's now met someone he wants to be with. In the last few weeks when I have got in touch the chat has been brief and I won't hear from him for days after.

I feel like I can't grieve like I would for a normal relationship, because it wasn't a relationship. I meant nothing. So I try and stop myself when I feel sad. I don't know how he can just forget about me after all this time.

I know it sounds stupid but I dream about him, and he's the first thing I think about when I wake up. If something interesting happens I want to tell him about it, because in a way we were friends as well.

I just walk around in a daze. I genuinely believe I'll never be attracted to anyone again. Has anyone had experience and can tell me it gets easier please?

It gets easier but it will be a lot easier when you make positive steps to end this relationship and get out there. This non-relationship has been holding you back for years. It seems to have suited him but not you. Recognize it for what it wasn't and move on. You will be just fine.

I think FWBs relationships are torture. I absolutely suffered terrible pain when mine ended. I remember just sobbing after admitting feelings to my FWB and the rejection that ensued was just so painful. I felt like such a child... 'you can have half a biscuit . The rest are for the other, more exciting, more beautiful friends I'm shagging.' It's just such a terrible moment when you realise that you really are so unimportant. You really are just a shag, despite that delusion that a bond has developed. It hasn't and it really is a painful reality to have to face. I think the worst thing is that we've set ourselves up for the pain. I felt that I'd let myself down.
My FWB 'met' someone (and has a 6-year-old son as a result of that failed relationship). Anyway, that was that and it was really hard for me at the time.
I never felt more 'unimportant'... just really debased once I stood back and really saw that FWBs is simply a voluntary allowance to be used. It rarely turns into a wonderful, healthy, loving relationship because the foundation of it is such a weak and shifting one.
You will be ok. You really, really will. But you need to grieve and let go. Believe me, let go completely. It's the kindest thing you could do for yourself now.

Another one here who has been on the sharp end of a FWB, after leaving my awful marriage. I developed feelings for him too, told him and he ghosted me and got a GF. It really hurt. Eventually I felt better and picked my self esteem up off the floor and have had a great relationship for nearly 4 years with my lovely DP, we have just bought our first home and he gets on great with my DC.

He has recently got in touch and told me that he regrets letting me go and he loves me and always did, he was just scared. He is still with his gf but says he made the wrong decision. I told him to get lost and not contact me again. I do not think FWB work if you have low self esteem and you are a sensitive people pleaser. IME it's a headfuck. Hope you come to this realisation soon too OP. You deserve better.

3 years is a big chunk of time so it is no wonder you feel like this . You started to express feelings and he is ending it now - it could be because he does realise it is wrong to string you along but it could be because he just doesn't want the drama of this now. Coming to your place all the time and having sex was a fun time for him separate from the rest of his life but you say that didn't happen very often ? How often would you say roughly? Sounds like more of an emotional affair ? It shows how these people work - it is all about him and his wants . He could also be punishing you and trying to make you get back in line . Of course you dream about him and think about him - you were in contact for 3 years . The only way is to go no contact - block him as he will creep back when he's feeling bored . It's not easy but I've been there and one day you will think what the fuck was I doing .

Similar experience/ torture here...except 1 year, not 3.

The only thing that works is NC. I struggled so much for so long, he made me feel awful and ruined my self esteem.

I eventually cut him out...I still think about him but it's not as upsetting as it was to start.

I just feel a mug now that I let him lead me on for so long.

This is a blessing OP.
Wasting years on someone who isn't interested in you is futile and something you will bitterly regret.

Time to move on and get back out there.

OP, in the nicest possible way, because I can see you’re terribly upset, this was not a FWB situation from your side — he was quite clear from the start about not wanting a relationship, but you hoped you could make him ‘change his mind’ and let it drag on for three years and got emotionally entangled. Don’t start a FWB situation on the rebound after the end of a relationship, and don’t ever stay in any kind of relationship, friendship etc where you’re only there because you hope something will change in your favour.

It may be that he’s met someone. It may be that’s he’s woken up to the fact that a FWB situation is unethical when one party wants more. It doesn’t matter — it was never going to happen as you wanted. You need to concentrate on yourself, and not on unfounded hopes from someone who’s only ever been clear about his wishes. Good luck.

@billy1966

This is a blessing OP. Wasting years on someone who isn't interested in you is futile and something you will bitterly regret.

Time to move on and get back out there.

And yes, definitely this.

I just feel so hopeless and down. I know what I have to do, but it's difficult because so much of my time was spent either thinking about him or talking to him.

I feel like all I have to offer now is my body, im not worth anything. I'm ashamed to admit I've had dark thoughts in recent months. In a way it would've been much easier if he'd met someone he wanted a relationship with much earlier on, I don't feel in control of the situation.

I don’t think FWB situations can end well. Inevitably one side will develop more feelings than the other. Of course there are the exceptions where a relationship may develop but that wasn’t really FWB it was the early stages of a relationship!

I feel like all I have to offer now is my body, im not worth anything

OP this is heartbreaking.

You are so much more than your body. You are a whole person with experiences, ideas, opinions, knowledge and skills.

I know it sounds cliched but I think you should really step away from relationships and sex and concentrate on YOU.

Do things you enjoy, have your favourite meal, try a new hobby, see if you can organise a work get together etc.

@TheVanguardSix

I think FWBs relationships are torture. I absolutely suffered terrible pain when mine ended. I remember just sobbing after admitting feelings to my FWB and the rejection that ensued was just so painful. I felt like such a child... 'you can have half a biscuit . The rest are for the other, more exciting, more beautiful friends I'm shagging.' It's just such a terrible moment when you realise that you really are so unimportant. You really are just a shag, despite that delusion that a bond has developed. It hasn't and it really is a painful reality to have to face. I think the worst thing is that we've set ourselves up for the pain. I felt that I'd let myself down. My FWB 'met' someone (and has a 6-year-old son as a result of that failed relationship). Anyway, that was that and it was really hard for me at the time. I never felt more 'unimportant'... just really debased once I stood back and really saw that FWBs is simply a voluntary allowance to be used. It rarely turns into a wonderful, healthy, loving relationship because the foundation of it is such a weak and shifting one. You will be ok. You really, really will. But you need to grieve and let go. Believe me, let go completely. It's the kindest thing you could do for yourself now.

For me this hits the nail on the head. Really resonates with my experiences of FWB.

Well, I’ve had several completely unproblematic, pleasant FWB situations, and I certainly wasn’t ‘allowing myself to be used’. Circumstances meant I didn’t have the time or energy for a relationship, and it was nice to have someone I liked in similar circumstances for regular sex. It really was that simple. They were never ‘relationships’ or potential ones. My first FWB ended things when he met someone he subsequently married (we’re still in touch, though living in different countries), the second one was a mutual kind of drifting away when our schedules no longer coincided, the third one I ended because I met my now-DH.

I think people need to take a certain amount of responsibility for entering into FWB situations as regards their own expectations, boundaries, vulnerability, rebound status etc.

This was me last year OP, it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I entered a FWB on the rebound after ending my long marriage. I adored him and was willing to accept FWB just to be able to see him. Looking back it was cruel how he treated me because he knew I had feelings and would play on them. I kept fooling myself that he did really like me but was 'emotionally unavailable'. I don't think any man is, they're just not available to you.

My guy went distant like yours and yes he had met someone he wanted a relationship with. The pain I felt at not being good enough, what did she have that I don't? I was utterly heartbroken. I really think you should end it now as you will likely feel this way too, it's such a horrible feeling. I think with some men once they put you in the FWab category you always stay there, they're not interested in you as a person and never will be.

@Mermaidwaves did he give you reasons why he didn't want a relationship with you? I have anxiety which flares up occasionally but isn't debilitating. He used this as a reason, which is fine but made me feel awful, and makes me think I'll never find anyone else due to my 'issues' he also 'doesn't trust' me. Other times he'd just skirt around the subject. Did you ever hear from him again?

He claimed I wasn't his 'type' therefore we would never be together. I stupidly thought that as he continued to see me he would change his mind. We still messaged for a while when he met his new girlfriend but I broke it off after seeing him on Facebook couples up and cosy with her. I was a dirty secret whilst she was his openly acknowledged girlfriend and even with my low self esteem I know I deserve better than that.

I send you lots of support as I know how hard it is

Mine claimed i needed too much reassurance. Not really - I just wanted to see him occasionally and know that he cared.

It's the worst feeling in the world, I waited around for ages for him to be 'ready'. I can see I was just a placeholder for him 💔

My confidence is very low because of it all. He gave me mixed messages for so long.

If you can then try and stay away.

Same here, I was the one who wanted more but she didn’t, torture is the word.. as others say, stay away and do something else

Bumping for wise words from the evening crowd.

FWB can work but unfortunately many women sign up to them under false pretences, using the FWB moniker as some kind of relationship back door.

Essentially you prioritised someone who only ever saw you as an option and now you’re paying for it.

Grieve the relationship because it was a relationship for you and then work through whatever it was, that led you to prioritise someone who you knew didn’t feel the same way about you.

It's so reassuring to hear so many women (and men) describing exactly the feelings I went through with my FWB. I couldn't understand why i was so upset when I decided to put space between us because it was obviously not going anywhere. It felt worse than grieving an actual breakup!

For me, absolute no contact is the only thing that worked. Over 2 months now and I feel so much stronger, thinking of him does not hurt anymore, and I am starting to get excited about meeting other men. I'm so proud of myself!

You will get over this, @Changeofname12, and the next person you meet will be much more worthwhile. I have decided I want nothing to do with guys who have not forgotten their exm or cannot make their mind between two women... I run away like Ussain Bolt at the first sign now! As a result of this I have developed much healthier boundaries, so i know that my next relationship will be much better. And so will yours!

Oh god OP you poor thing, it's horrendous.

I got out of an abusive marriage, then six months down the line met my FWB on tinder. He was early 20s, I was early 30s. Was never going to go anywhere but my god he was absolutely gorgeous, a great lad and really fun to be around. Definitely a real spark. I really fell for him. Obviously he was never going to want something serious with a single mum nearly 10 years older. It actually ended really nicely but that made it harder too.

Two years down the line I still miss him sometimes. But I'm pretty fucked with relationships. Far more as a result of my awful marriage but sometimes I think because of my experience with my FWB, I really don't want to feel grief like that over a man again. I also don't really think I'm worth more than a bit of fun so that's all I aim for.

Sorry, not helpful, just my experiences.

That sounded a bit self pitying when I'm actually not- I'm quite happy being single. I just don't trust men at all after all my past experiences, so I go into everything completely guarded and ice cold tbh.

Do you think he had another woman? Or was married? You mainly had flirty phone chat, and met only occasionally for sex if you were working in the same town? He never spoke of his past relationships and never invited you to his home?

It's spectacularly unfair for him to say he couldn't be in a relationship with you because you're anxious and he "can't trust you."

Start getting angry, he's been a bit of an arsehole to you.

I'm trying to get some form of closure. But sounding like a pathetic idiot in the process. Asking why he isn't messaging much anymore..
I feel so down.