Struggling to move on from end of FWB

[Changeofname12]

I met someone a few years ago after coming out of a long term relationship. We were both on a course through our jobs and found we had common interests. We ended up exchanging numbers, and while we started off as friends the chat became flirty and things went from there.

He is emotionally unavailable, so doesn't want a relationship. We've chatted almost daily for the last 3 years and I have mentioned feelings once or twice. He's reminded me that he can only offer a casual thing and nothing else. I'm 35 and he's late forties. I know he's had relationships before, but I think it was a while ago (although ive not really asked). In the time ive known him he hasn't been with anyone. He always came to mine, I didn't go to his... and even that wasn't very often, it was more so flirty chat and talking about our day, sometimes we would meet if we were in the same place for work.

Ive noticed the chatting is tailing off. We are now going days without contact. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut, because a few weeks ago I mentioned my feelings again and I think ive ruined things. I know I'm stupid, but to be honest I always hoped I could somehow change his mind.

I feel gutted. I'm assuming he's now met someone he wants to be with. In the last few weeks when I have got in touch the chat has been brief and I won't hear from him for days after.

I feel like I can't grieve like I would for a normal relationship, because it wasn't a relationship. I meant nothing. So I try and stop myself when I feel sad. I don't know how he can just forget about me after all this time.

I know it sounds stupid but I dream about him, and he's the first thing I think about when I wake up. If something interesting happens I want to tell him about it, because in a way we were friends as well.

I just walk around in a daze. I genuinely believe I'll never be attracted to anyone again. Has anyone had experience and can tell me it gets easier please?

@AgentJohnson

FWB can work but unfortunately many women sign up to them under false pretences, using the FWB moniker as some kind of relationship back door.

Essentially you prioritised someone who only ever saw you as an option and now you’re paying for it.

Grieve the relationship because it was a relationship for you and then work through whatever it was, that led you to prioritise someone who you knew didn’t feel the same way about you.

I think that’s fair. No one should consider an FWB situation with the hope of it turning into an actual relationship — if you do, you’re being dishonest with the other person, and, much more importantly, with yourself, and setting yourself up for potentially huge grief and disappointment, especially as, if the other person ends what they believed to be a casual arrangement, there’s not necessarily going to be any acknowledgement this is a blow for you.

This was me earlier in the year. A 14 month thing, I developed feelings whereas he didn’t. I ended it because he was honest about not feeling the spark……but sparky enough for sex 🙄
The only way I recovered was by blocking him and having no communication. I was hanging on for him to change his mind, all I got was heartache. No contact is the only way to go. It took me 3/4 attempts at no contact before I could do it permanently. He broke my heart, I’d never go into a FWB situation again.

I think he's treated you badly. Where's the "friend" element to dropping someone like a stone and just cutting contact. Any decent person would end this arrangement in a kind considerate way with some explanation. He's essentially ghosted you.

I also think it was completely unfair to put his reasons for not initially wanting a relationship on you; blaming your anxiety and the fact he "couldn't trust you". That's not how you treat a friend. He's simply fed into your insecurities so that you'd be grateful for his 'crumbs".

You were vulnerable after leaving a long term relationship and it appears he swooped in. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think he was the person he portrayed he was.

I think most women find it almost impossible to separate sex and emotions. Men can generally view sex as scratching an itch, without engaging emotionally.

For this reason, a lot of women feel used and hurt by a no strings sex arrangement. Particularly if they are honest about developing feelings over time and the man continues with the arrangement in the knowledge that the whole thing is completely one sided and likely to cause hurt.

I dislike the whole premise of FWB. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but if you're friends that want to have sex then that's the basis of a relationship. If you want to use someone for sex then don't be friends.

I hope you can find peace with being single. Do not feel tempted to revisit this if he wants a hook up. You will heal in time and realise you are worth so much more.

Don't tear yourself apart over this. It's human to develop feelings and you were honest with him. I'm sorry he ended it in such a callous way. That's on him.

[quote Changeofname12]@Mermaidwaves did he give you reasons why he didn't want a relationship with you? I have anxiety which flares up occasionally but isn't debilitating. He used this as a reason, which is fine but made me feel awful, and makes me think I'll never find anyone else due to my 'issues' he also 'doesn't trust' me. Other times he'd just skirt around the subject. Did you ever hear from him again?[/quote]
'I mentioned my feelings again and I think ive ruined things.'

No you didn't. If you hadn't mentioned your feelings, they would have probably grown stronger and stronger.

It sounds from your posts that you need to work on your self-esteem. He saw this, saw that you were getting emotionally invested in a way he couldn't support so he's done the right thing by cooling things.

Sometimes, some people can see issues down the line that you can't. It doesn't mean there's something 'wrong' with you. It just means they can see far ahead enough to know you'd be incompatible.

Not everyone can do friends with benefits. For one thing, when you have sex with someone, your body produces hormones to bind you to the other person and create a feeling of closeness with them. It takes a while for that to wear off.

Also, that's quite an age gap. Are you usually attracted to older, emotionally unavailable men? There might be something driving that worth exploring.

I stupidly ended up in a 7 year on and off FWB situation and over Covid we ended up reconnecting and seeing eachother weekly since Xmas. However the last 3 weeks its always me instigating and he didnt even bother to reply this weekend. I know what I need to do as he's clearly loosing interest and as much as I tell myself we have a bond after all this time I know deep down he doesn't really care at all. He could be sleeping with other people as far as I know even though he says he isnt. So I know I need to cut it off, I will be honest and message him once to say I now need and want more than causal and whilst I'm seeing him I'm not giving others a chance so am ending the situation. Then I am going to delete all numbers convos etc. I'd urge you to do the same x

Also you're not worthless. He just isn't right for you. You both had an agreement of sex which ended up in feelings for you, which can't be help but please dont feel degraded or used as it was mutual FWB and not to do with your own worth x

He saw you were getting emotionally invested so he's done the right thing by cooling it

Possibly but he must have been blind and deaf then to only realise after three years.

Op was always interested in a relationship and told him several times over the three years. Most times he would "skirt around the subject" or claim he was emotionally unavailable. Yet he kept this going in the knowledge Op would jump if he whistled because she wanted more.

It seems far more likely he's met someone else and either wants a relationship or a new play thing.

That may sound harsh but for the sake of your self esteem Op you need to take this man off a pedestal and see how bad he was for you.

Me again! (Wish you could go back and edit). I forgot to say that I have spent so many hours thinking why am I not good enough for him, what am I missing etc until eventually I realsied its really not about me and that you can't help or change how people feel. I also realised that he has big issues around women from past relationships so there are going to be things that surface with any woman. Once time passes you and you see it clealry for what it is you start to detach and this is now how years later I'm a bit more blazè over calling it off. If you go NC and take time to relfect im sure you will get to this point too x

@Msgiggles30 did you send him a final message? Did he respond?

Struggling today with this.