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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Only Fans £££

47 replies

NCfortoday2021 · 22/08/2021 22:17

Ok so talk me through what to do. Feel sick to my stomach and need a handhold.

DH and I have had issues with him using porn in the past, including nearly splitting over it some years ago when we were in debt and he was paying porn subscriptions behind my back. I know plenty of couples have no issue with it but I do.

Anyway I had a feeling things were off as he wasn't really up for sex the past month or so but put it down to tiredness with toddler and older child. Then I initiated sex and it was weird. He was finding it difficult to erm maintain which is never a problem usually and needed a 'firmer grip' which I just suspected could mean he had been jerking off a lot recently.

Anyway spider senses tingling I did what you should never do and checked his phone. Various porn sites inc OnlyFans came up and daily bank transactions to OnlyFans totalling a fair amount for someone who claims to never have any money. I mean it is like an obsession - every single day there is at least one paid for transaction. I don't really know much about the site in detail but surely it is not normal to spend so much money on porn?! Plus obviously it is subscriber (personalised?) content.

What would you do?

OP posts:
bettertimesarecomingnow · 22/08/2021 22:18

What would I do?

I'd bin him ASAP

DismantledKing · 22/08/2021 22:19

Yeah, deal breaker.

Princessorange · 22/08/2021 22:20

@bettertimesarecomingnow

What would I do?

I'd bin him ASAP

This
Crikeyalmighty · 22/08/2021 22:23

Hes a sleazy arsehole OP. It’s really horrible to realise this and upsetting for many , even when it’s just free porn— but paying out money you clearly don’t have just to access sleaze means I think you need to end things. It doesn’t get better.

Original poster
NCfortoday2021 · 22/08/2021 22:25

I'm just so worried for our children. I'm not going to claim he is a good dad when clearly he doesn't respect his wife but from their perspective he is. 100% involved with them, modern father type, on the surface at least.

OP posts:
catinboots21 · 22/08/2021 22:28

Good dads don't spunk family money on porn

MiniTheMinx · 22/08/2021 22:28

nearly splitting over it some years ago when we were in debt and he was paying porn subscriptions behind my back

Was it a condition that he never do this again?

Once.....well you could say "I'm sorry, I didn't know" but to do it again is a huge deceit and very disrespectful to your relationship.

DoylyCarte · 22/08/2021 22:33

Your perspective also matters, moreso in many ways. If you’re not happy they’ll know. If they see you putting up with sub-standard behaviour they’ll know and learn from this too.

Sorry OP - I see an online cam “relationships” the same as cheating, if not worse as there’s no connection, just him happy to get off on paying women for content/acts while in a relationship with you.

He’s using sex workers at the end of the day (literally every day from what you’ve said), and only you know if you are happy to be second fiddle on an ongoing basis, as you always will be if you’re with someone like this Flowers

MyMabel · 22/08/2021 22:37

Panic not, only fans is banning porn from October.

Original poster
NCfortoday2021 · 22/08/2021 22:40

Yes so I heard @MyMabel. It's not the only one he is paying for. Just his most prized it would seem.

OP posts:
OnceTheyDid · 22/08/2021 22:41

Your children will be absolutely fine.

A good dad doesn't spend money on porn.

Get rid of this disgusting man.

Original poster
NCfortoday2021 · 22/08/2021 22:42

I do agree with what everyone has said. I just don't know how to make the leap from feeling shit as I do now to actually doing something about it.

At the moment I don't want to ever speak to him again. Obviously not practical.

OP posts:
GingerBrod · 22/08/2021 22:47

He's a porn addict. I suspect this has been going on for a while and he was just hiding it really well. If you confront him, he will say he's sorry and will never do it again. He might cry. Then, because he's an addict, he will find alternative ways to hide this from you. Possibly with a new bank account and maybe learning to use incognito mode.

You have to decide whether you can live with that or not. He has to want to change and stop his behaviour. Most men do nothing to address it.

Mischance · 22/08/2021 22:53

I understand you are worried for your children if you part - but I think you should be worried for your children if you stay. Is this the sort of person you want as a role model for them? What if your children did as you did and picked up his phone and saw what he is watching? In what way is he a good father if he is channeling family funds into this obsession?

Bbub · 22/08/2021 22:57

He can still be a good dad to them but he doesn't have to be your husband if you don't want that, just saying Flowers

Pinkbonbon · 22/08/2021 22:58

He can still be a father to them without having to be with you. Plenty of kids have two homes. They'll be fine. Concentrate on making healthy choices for yourself and setting that as an example for them to follow later in their life.

Bbub · 22/08/2021 22:59

Is the issue the porn or the fact he's paying for it? Well both I suspect, as it would be for me. My above comment wasn't meant to sound flippant. I just want you to know that your well being is important too even though you are obviously going to be concerned about the kids

Original poster
NCfortoday2021 · 22/08/2021 22:59

@Bbub

He can still be a good dad to them but he doesn't have to be your husband if you don't want that, just saying Flowers
Yes this is where I need to get to. I absolutely don't want my two daughters having this example. Other men I know seem even worse. Unbelievably. Hard to know if there are any good ones out there or if this is typical.
OP posts:
Clymene · 22/08/2021 23:13

Yuck. I'd leave

spotcheck · 22/08/2021 23:16

OP
You are likely still in shock. You don't have to figure everything out right away. Give yourself time to digest.

Original poster
NCfortoday2021 · 22/08/2021 23:18

@spotcheck

OP You are likely still in shock. You don't have to figure everything out right away. Give yourself time to digest.
Thank you. I actually was shaking initially so that is good advice.
OP posts:
DelphineMarineaux · 23/08/2021 07:59

@NCfortoday2021

Ok so talk me through what to do. Feel sick to my stomach and need a handhold.

DH and I have had issues with him using porn in the past, including nearly splitting over it some years ago when we were in debt and he was paying porn subscriptions behind my back. I know plenty of couples have no issue with it but I do.

Anyway I had a feeling things were off as he wasn't really up for sex the past month or so but put it down to tiredness with toddler and older child. Then I initiated sex and it was weird. He was finding it difficult to erm maintain which is never a problem usually and needed a 'firmer grip' which I just suspected could mean he had been jerking off a lot recently.

Anyway spider senses tingling I did what you should never do and checked his phone. Various porn sites inc OnlyFans came up and daily bank transactions to OnlyFans totalling a fair amount for someone who claims to never have any money. I mean it is like an obsession - every single day there is at least one paid for transaction. I don't really know much about the site in detail but surely it is not normal to spend so much money on porn?! Plus obviously it is subscriber (personalised?) content.

What would you do?

Get a divorce. There's nothing to do, the man is addicted to pornography. For me, addictions of any kind are one of those things I just wouldn't stand by a man for. Just because there's always a huge risk of relapsing, and I couldn't live my life like that.
Chocaholic9 · 23/08/2021 08:03

If he's doing it daily, this is an addiction.

Original poster
NCfortoday2021 · 23/08/2021 08:47

Yes I agree. It's also particularly to the porn as he hardly ever approaches me for sex at the moment so he doesn't even have the patriarchal bs excuse that 'his needs aren't being met.'

OP posts:
Original poster
NCfortoday2021 · 24/08/2021 23:22

Final check before I leave it alone has revealed further 'regular' porn site subscription as well as the £££ on OnlyFans. It must literally be all he has been thinking about.

So fuming thinking of a £30 household item he bought last month and then said he needed to take the money out of the joint account for it rather than his own as didn't have enough money. That would have been about 2 days of paying cam girls to strip for him / buying them gifts and whatever else they do.

OP posts: