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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Only Fans £££

47 replies

NCfortoday2021 · 22/08/2021 22:17

Ok so talk me through what to do. Feel sick to my stomach and need a handhold.

DH and I have had issues with him using porn in the past, including nearly splitting over it some years ago when we were in debt and he was paying porn subscriptions behind my back. I know plenty of couples have no issue with it but I do.

Anyway I had a feeling things were off as he wasn't really up for sex the past month or so but put it down to tiredness with toddler and older child. Then I initiated sex and it was weird. He was finding it difficult to erm maintain which is never a problem usually and needed a 'firmer grip' which I just suspected could mean he had been jerking off a lot recently.

Anyway spider senses tingling I did what you should never do and checked his phone. Various porn sites inc OnlyFans came up and daily bank transactions to OnlyFans totalling a fair amount for someone who claims to never have any money. I mean it is like an obsession - every single day there is at least one paid for transaction. I don't really know much about the site in detail but surely it is not normal to spend so much money on porn?! Plus obviously it is subscriber (personalised?) content.

What would you do?

OP posts:

FusionChefGeoff · 24/08/2021 23:50

@NCfortoday2021 you've had a name change fail on your last post I think you might want to report to MN?

RantyAunty · 25/08/2021 04:01

That's terrible. How much per day was he spending on it?

Shoxfordian · 25/08/2021 06:36

Speak to a solicitor and start thinking about your next steps to divorce him

NeurologicallySpeaking · 25/08/2021 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chocaholic9 · 25/08/2021 09:31

What will you do?

I'm really sorry you are going through this. You deserve someone who wants intimacy with you and isn't wanking off over random women on the internet instead.

I0NA · 25/08/2021 09:36

I’m glad to hear that he’s a great dad.

So he will pay child support for his kids without a murmur and agree shared care with you, to meet the children's needs. And put the kids first at all times during the divorce.

He will treat you reasonably, fairly and respectfully , as the mother of his children.

As he is such a great dad.

NeurologicallySpeaking · 25/08/2021 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoodGrief100 · 25/08/2021 09:48

Screen shots and a divorce lawyer.

Chocaholic9 · 25/08/2021 09:56

@NeurologicallySpeaking

Yes hence my point saying he isn't a great Dad in my opinion. But the children think he is.

In terms of what to do, it is not a good time for me financially to split. I was in such a good place but we have just had renovations done which have pushed me into debt due to going over budget (the irony of him having lots of money spare for sex workers is not lost on me). So ideally I need to clear that over the next six months before anything such as house sales/ looking for new house purchase as would have a big impact.

He had the audacity to ask me this morning what was going to happen. As I am not the one with an addiction, it's a bit difficult for me to answer that.

He suggested 'maybe he could do a course or something.'

OP I think you've had a name change fail; not sure if you mind about that. You could ask Mumsnet to correct it.

I would start getting your ducks in a row financially.

There are loads of resources online for overcoming porn addiction but it's up to him to seek them out and commit to something. It seems like he's expecting you to come up with the solution.

This is more than porn addiction because it sounds like he is interacting with sex workers. This is cheating, in my book, and that takes some getting past.

layladomino · 26/08/2021 11:35

Well in a way I think that it's right he's asked you what will happen next, as it is up to you how to deal with this. He doesn't get to choose how you should feel about it, or whether you want to split.

Of course he could take some action to deal with his addiction - he should do that whatever the outcome for your marriage.

But he has to respect that he is responsible for wrecking your marriage, and what happens next is your call.

Original poster

NCfortoday2021 · 26/08/2021 12:06

Yes I do see that point. Whether or not we divorce is obviously a pathway I need to choose. I suppose my frustration is that him having a problem ends up being an item on my to do list - I need to force him into a conversation about it while he is just passive and doesn't have to put in any effort. Just mooches about as if he is the victim.

OP posts:

WizardOfAus · 26/08/2021 13:00

@NCfortoday2021

I think he needs to leave, OP.

He needs to go rent somewhere else, or stay with friends and family.

You need space away to process this and decide how you feel.

(I personally would end the relationship).

WizardOfAus · 26/08/2021 13:03

I need to force him into a conversation about it while he is just passive and doesn't have to put in any effort. Just mooches about as if he is the victim.

He plays the victim because it worked the first time he was forgiven.

Now is when you really have to lay down your boundaries and end the relationship. Otherwise, in 3 years time you’ll be back here again with the same story.

Getbehindme · 26/08/2021 13:07

@NCfortoday2021

My EX, all woe is me. They literally can't comprehend what the issue is.

Even a year on, a divorce in the works, he's addressing his problem but i still don't think he understands the pain he's caused me personally. He may never will.

timeisnotaline · 26/08/2021 13:12

He should leave while you process it. So it impacts him. I’d just say I need space, you need to find somewhere else to stay. And if he kicks off I’d say everyone is about to know why I need space if you don’t give it to me!!

Other ways he’s not a good dad- spending all his money on porn so he can’t pay his household share.

timeisnotaline · 26/08/2021 13:14

Also, you might have to say we are over, but you can also hand on heart say to him YOU chose this. I didn’t choose for you to cheat, to subscribe to personalised porn. You knew I was so against this you hid it from me. When I found out years ago you knew that was another chance and you didn’t value that chance or our marriage. I would never have chosen this, Im stuck with the consequences of YOUR actions. Go bullshit someone else.

Original poster

NCfortoday2021 · 26/08/2021 13:16

Yes I do agree - it worked before that I forgave him and we moved on. Actually I don't think he is malicious so much as just bloody weak and spineless. And thinks he can get away with it so why not.

I have resolved on either full relationship counselling, jointly and individually or divorce. If option A we can get everything out on the table in front of a third party rather than him promising the world to me. If A doesn't work, then I have bought myself time to make and finance an escape plan.

Am speaking to family IRL to get their support if needed as well.

OP posts:

WizardOfAus · 26/08/2021 13:29

PS- Only Fans reversed their decision today to ban explicit content from its platform.

Original poster

NCfortoday2021 · 26/08/2021 14:53

Yes I saw that. I'm sure there are many alternatives out there sadly.

OP posts:

tegannotsovegan · 26/08/2021 17:14

My partner knows for a fact that if he ever uses sites where you have to subscribe to watch porn, I would consider that cheating and break up with him on the spot.

So that's what I'd do; break up with him on the spot.

SunshineCake · 26/08/2021 17:17

@MyMabel

Panic not, only fans is banning porn from October.

Except they aren't. They've backtracked. Not that this is the issue here

. The h has already been a dick.

SunshineCake · 26/08/2021 17:19

@Chocaholic9 it's not helpful to quote a post where the op has forgotten to name change back as you've now highlighted it more.

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