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Original poster

Relationship progression?

39 replies

Kalski1 · 22/08/2021 22:07

I've been seeing a guy, who I really like for nearly 6 months. I like him alot but my concern is that the relationship isn't really progressing from seeing each other once a week, hanging out and sleeping together.
We have been on dates but refers to me as his 'friend'. I had the chat with him and he said he wants to carry on and see where it goes.
My question is at this point should the relationship be progressing? Or did it take longer for you and your partner to be in love and say you love each other?
I don't know how long to keep going? I don't want to be with anyone else but sometimes I'm feeling so anxious and worried!
We've been on holiday and done coupley things together.
Is he just a typical bloke who doesn't say much and I should just chill out?!
Thank you.

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 22/08/2021 22:16

Personally, six months is more than enough time to decide whether there is a future in a relationship. You don't have to get married or move in together but you will have an idea whether you want to continue the relationship. I would be starting to wonder whether you are a once a week convenience for him. If I like someone I want to spend more time with them, not a rigid schedule.

It sounds like you know but you're waiting on him to declare himself. How long are you prepared to wait? What if he never makes up his mind?

SStopRaisingHim · 22/08/2021 22:52

Similar to the above… you’ve said what he wants but not what you want. How old are you? I only ask because it’s relevant when you’re comparing relationships. Things tend to move quicker in your thirties.

It does sound like a fwb situation or ‘situationship’ rather than a relationship. Have you met each other’s friends/family?

Original poster
Kalski1 · 22/08/2021 22:57

I'm 32 he's 38.
He is yet to meet any of my friends. I have mentioned it but may ask if he'd like to meet some of them again.
I have met a couple of his friends but only once, in a group and I was introduced as his friend Sad

OP posts:
Lampan · 22/08/2021 23:01

Nah. If you have to ask on here, I suspect you know deep down that he’s not invested in the same way you are. He wants to have his cake and eat it. This way he can have a good time without labels, and it will be easier for him to leave the relationship if necessary. Which is fine if you feel the same way but I suspect you don’t.
I think if he’s not keen to reassure you that he sees a future at this point, and if you are looking for a serious relationship, it’s time to move on.

SStopRaisingHim · 22/08/2021 23:01

Yeah the ‘friend’ thing is off. I’m assuming you want to be his girlfriend. Have you told him very clearly what you want?

Be brave! :). It’s scary I know but better now than waste any further time if you want different things.

Original poster
Kalski1 · 22/08/2021 23:05

It's so tricky as I brought up the where are we going and his response was to enjoy it and not put pressure on him because he's so busy with work etc
I know it looks a bit crap but when we are together I really like him.
I do want a relationship with him and I'd like to be his girlfriend. The chat was more me asking if he wanted to continue seeing me and he said yes so I left it as that.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2021 23:05

I think he's being very clear about how your relationship is progressing - it isn't and it isn't going to. He likes things exactly the way they are with no commitment. If you want more, it's time to move on.

Pinkbonbon · 22/08/2021 23:08

Oh nonono. You've let him take the piss op.

You should never be 6 months in with someone you want a relationship with yet they're still referring to you as a friend. You have the 'together' talk around the time you first sleep together. Anything after that then either they think you only want a fwb thing or they are straight up taking the piss.

The fact that you clearly tried to establish where you stood with him and he gave you that 'see how it goes bullshit' after 6 months! I wouldnt lower myself to bother asking him again, you've made it clear you want to know whars what and he has made it clear by his response that he doesn't want a relationship with you.

Either treat him as just a bit of fun. Or get rid.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 22/08/2021 23:09

Why would it be putting him under pressure to call you his girlfriend after 6 months of seeing each other? He's just stringing you along. He's happy with the way things are and doesn't want to offer you any kind of commitment.

Get rid of him and get a different (better) one. Life is too short. It's pathetic that he's introducing you to people as just a friend, it's so disrespectful to you. You deserve better than that.

Mushtullo · 22/08/2021 23:12

Tell him there must have been a big misunderstanding, you have a policy of never shagging ‘friends’.

spotcheck · 22/08/2021 23:12

He introduced you as his 'friend'?

Unless it was very soon after you met, this is not on. Where did you meet these friends? He could have said that you were his date. He could have just introduced you by name, without a descriptor- but he said 'friend'?

Lampan · 22/08/2021 23:27

Having the chat is difficult but unfortunately if you get any kind of ‘fine as we are’ type response it means he doesn’t see this as anything serious or long term. I’ve been there. He would have known exactly what you were trying to establish but fobbed you off. Work is just an excuse. I think the longer you let this go on for, the more upsetting it will be when it does end.

SStopRaisingHim · 23/08/2021 08:43

@Kalski1

It's so tricky as I brought up the where are we going and his response was to enjoy it and not put pressure on him because he's so busy with work etc I know it looks a bit crap but when we are together I really like him. I do want a relationship with him and I'd like to be his girlfriend. The chat was more me asking if he wanted to continue seeing me and he said yes so I left it as that.
You’re asking him what he thinks/ he wants. It’s time to say what you want or this will go on indefinitely & you’ll resent him and yourself.
Pinkbonbon · 23/08/2021 12:00

That's a good point from pp. That's what he wants but not what you want. There are two people in this 'relationship'. If you don't want what he wants, - say no and leave. He is not compatable.

Original poster
Kalski1 · 23/08/2021 12:26

In my head I think surely give it time for love to develop? Surely that's better than being with someone you don't like or see a future with. He has told me a few times now he'd be gutted if I wasn't in his life.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/08/2021 13:11

People who care about you dont string you along for 6 months. He can say what he wants, his actions show differently op.

What harm would it be to call you his gf? If it didnt work out, he could split up with you. But no, he cant even give you that. Because I'm sorry op, but he doesn't respect you. And people who dont respect you will never love you.

It's not going to happen op.
No way, no how, no chance.

Pinkbonbon · 23/08/2021 13:14

If you don't want to drop him immediately, start seeing other people too. Make it clear that you are a free agent. To him and to yourself.

Fustyoldface · 23/08/2021 13:17

Set the bar higher. When he introduced you as a friend and it made you sad you part ways. You deserve better than this string along.

Divebar2021 · 23/08/2021 13:19

What does he do on the other nights you aren’t together? Without flagging it up invite him to something in addition to your normal date and see if he’s keen.

flipperdoda · 23/08/2021 13:21

Relationships progress at all sorts of different rates, but 6 months and not being a girlfriend would have me gone. I met someone off Bumble a month ago, we've seen each other a couple of times a week and we've discussed exclusivity, being boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. Frankly this is probably the faster end of things (we're both happy with it though which is what matters!) but 6 months..? No way.

It basically comes down to you're not happy and you're not happy/confident raising what you want (to have a title, essentially). Doesn't matter whether that's on you or him - the relationship you're in is one you can't be honest in so I'd leave.

Have you at least discussed exclusivity?

SStopRaisingHim · 23/08/2021 19:00

@Kalski1

In my head I think surely give it time for love to develop? Surely that's better than being with someone you don't like or see a future with. He has told me a few times now he'd be gutted if I wasn't in his life.
Oh 100% but there are more options. Meeting someone new who loves you & wants the same things as you.

Of course he would be gutted. Your relationship is completely on his terms.

Why the hell would he be happy just being your friend? You deserve someone who wants to partner up/be on your team! Be brave!

Original poster
Kalski1 · 23/08/2021 19:34

I feel like I've given quite a lot to this relationship and really find the idea of giving him up and having to see other people miserable.
The truth is I really like him, probably too much Sad I don't want anyone else.
I keep thinking if I just keep going I'll get him to open up and a bind will form.
I just really like him!

Everyone around me is in a relationship or happily married. I just feel the odd one out and a bit fed up. I haven't had a serious relationship for years. It seems to easy for my friends.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

OP posts:
JulesCobb · 23/08/2021 19:44

He told you not put pressure on him

He isnt interested. Start pulling away.

Pinkbonbon · 23/08/2021 19:49

Read up on the 'sunken cost fallacy'. You dont want to fall into that trap. Six months is nothing in comparison to what you could end up throwing away by chasing this no-hoper.

Perhaps one reason other people are finding healthy relationships is because they know not to give the time of day to time wasters.

That being said, just because people are in relationships does not mean they are happy of course.

It's obvious that you like him op. Of course you do. Or you would find it easy to get shot of him because he doesn't want what you want. But it's a lesson in life we tend to learn as we age, that you have to love yourself first. Cheesy as that sounds.
It's important to be able to say 'I love me, and if the person I like does not like me enough to be proud to say - 'this is my gf' - then, they suck. And it's their loss'. And to choose yourself.

I suspect what you are doing wrong might be being to easy to go with the flow of what other people want or trying to please them. Even to the extent that your own needs are neglected.

People get what they want by determining what that is and by choosing people to keep in their life who want the same things from them. Otherwise, things never get started because there is a mismatch from the offset.

You have to make healthy choices for you op. Yes its hard to walk away from ppl we like. But what about your self love? Because if you cant choose you then THAT would he the truly sad thing.

SStopRaisingHim · 23/08/2021 19:54

You’re really not doing anything wrong apart from believing you’ll change this man & mould him into something he doesn’t appear to be.

However we don’t know him and there is the chance by saying what you want you’ll get it.

I really do empathise. I’ve been in your shoes & I only wish I was tougher earlier on. I’m very happy now with a fantastic man & exchanged ‘I love yous’ within 2 months. Fast but when you know, you know.

Good luck 🙂

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