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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Divorce

39 replies

StarsStarStars · 22/08/2021 21:34

My husband for over 15 years is cheating on my. Last year has been horrendous.... He’s been in and out of the house in the middle of the night, me or children never know where he is. He is constantly on the phone with her. His phone is constantly beeping...I found him drunk on the phone to her laughing on the day of my dad’s funeral ( I could not travel because of Covid..).......He has been denying the affair, and refuses to move out. He raised the divorced petition on unreasonable behaviour and wants to sell our family home in future ( we gave 4 children)... I can’t not live like that.... I have no family around.. I asked him to go, but he wouldn’t, as he said he is the one who is paying the mortgage... he could easily go, his mother lives down the road on her own in 4 bed / 3 bath house. What can I do? It must be a way out...

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 22/08/2021 21:35

Have you spoken to a solicitor ?
Do you work ?
Do you have a joint account ?

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 22/08/2021 21:43

Yes, I have. I have an impression my lawyer doesn’t think it’s a big deal...

I work very part time as a have a young baby. My husband is a high earner. We had a joint bank account, but now it has £0, as he moved his salary to his own account recently ...

OP posts:

Almostfamous29 · 22/08/2021 21:47

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have advice but I guarantee you it won’t carry on this way as there is help out There. His behaviour is abusive to you and to your children

Dacquoise · 22/08/2021 21:59

Are you in the UK? If so you can make an interim application to the court for maintenance. As you are in the process of divorce and have no funds of your own, he will have to pay for you and your children's upkeep. You can also ask for him to pay your legal fees. He sounds like a complete dick but hang in there and don't allow him to intimidate you. It will be difficult to get him to move out unless there is domestic abuse.

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 22/08/2021 22:20

His lawyer said he has no money and payes legal fees with a credit card. My lawyer advised me to apply for benefits or / take a bank loan.... but I worry as I’m not sure how I will be able to pay it off.

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 22/08/2021 22:31

So he's a high earner who hasn't moved out but is now short of money? Does that sound right to you? Do you know much about his finances and your joint assets from this marriage? It is very common for high earners to plead poverty on divorce. My exhusband ran up a load of debt and ramped up a mortgage on another property to try to avoid paying me. It didn't work. Also, pension pots can be substantial and used to offset other assets. You need to find out your likely settlement. You can save a fortune in legal fees by using a direct access barrister to look at your case. A one off fee to get an idea of settlement if it goes to court before a judge.

If you take out a loan it will come out of marital assets in the financial settlement.

Dacquoise · 22/08/2021 22:36

As for benefits, certainly worth looking into including child maintenance through the CMS. They will be able to assess his earnings which will be useful if you don't know.

It sounds like he has completely traumatised you with his behaviour and you are isolated but you need to fight your corner and not let him bully you. Do you have friends you can confide in?

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 22/08/2021 22:39

Thank you very much, everyone. He has a very expensive hobby ( as well as a lover), so I won’t be surprised, he has no money..he has a boat and a pension pot ( not sure how much) ..my lawyer can tell me anything about my position, as advised me to be a open minded.. I did think about a barrister...so maybe loan is the answer?..

OP posts:

ShitShop · 22/08/2021 22:41

You need to find a good solicitor to make sure you don’t miss out on what you’re entitled to. If yours doesn’t think it’s a big deal that your H has taken all the money that usually goes in the joint account for himself and has left you without options then your solicitor doesn’t understand financial abuse and will not be able to do a decent job on your behalf - find a different one who will be outraged that your H is a high earner with you at home, and yet you have no access to his wages.

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 22/08/2021 22:44

Dacquoise
Thank you, yes, I have a few friends., but it has been very hard to live under the same roof, especially he works from home most of the time at the moment... do you think I shall apply for CMS even if we live under the same roof?

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 22/08/2021 22:50

Did you mean your lawyer can't tell you much about your position?

You need to know, this is how legal fees ramp up quickly and so high. Before you know it you have spent £100k on solicitor administration, which is what happened to my partner.

Don't know what area you live in but you can look up online for a direct access barrister. Mine cost me £600 in London. I gave him all the financial information ie salaries, property equity, shares, pensions, cars etc and he met with me to go over the likely outcome at final hearing in court.

There is no one size fits all in divorce in the UK but they should be able to give you an idea of asset and pension split plus maintenance if you are entitled. My advice to you is to get a clean break if possible as my exhusband took me back to court regarding spousal maintenance.

I felt a huge sense of relief with the information I was given as 'keeping an open mind' doesn't allow you to sleep at night.

Dacquoise · 22/08/2021 22:52

If he has applied for divorce and cut off the money, then yes apply for child maintenance. Living in the same house should make no difference.

Dacquoise · 22/08/2021 23:04

@StarsStarsStars, just checked on the CMS claim and it looks like you have to live apart so apologies for that advice. It is for the resident parent from the non resident parent so I would look into making an interim maintenance claim through court as part of your financial settlement claim. This is separate to the divorce proceedings. Your lawyer hasn't suggested this?

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 22/08/2021 23:11

Dacquoise
Thank you so much, lots of information. No , she didn’t suggested anything yet, just sent me E form to feel..Also my lawyer knows his lawyer very well ( maybe too well and thinks highly of him, which maybe not that good for me?!....)

OP posts:

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 22/08/2021 23:14

And no, my lawyer didn’t tell
Me much about of my position, just suggested a mediation ( if I’m honest, I don’t think it’s a good idea, he is so good to persuading me to do things I later regret..

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 22/08/2021 23:18

Get that Form E sorted pronto and take to a barrister for info and don't scrimp on your expenses as I as sure your exhusband to be certainly won't. It might be worth a call to the CMS to doublw check on claiming as cutting off your access to funds isn't supporting his kids even if he is living in the house and paying the mortgage.

If you feel there is a conflict of interests between the lawyers you can go to another firm. Just beware of a lackadaisical approach to this, every letter, email and phone call will ramp up your expenses and before you know it you're having to sell your house to pay the solicitors.

Dacquoise · 22/08/2021 23:20

You cannot do mediation if you don't know what this is worth to you. Had the same issue with my exhusband. He negotiates for a living, I don't. Why would you go into the lion's den on that basis?

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 22/08/2021 23:35

Dacquoise

Thank you. Same here he negotiates for living too.., but my lawyer thinks it will cost me less then a lot of letters, going backwards and forward...

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 23/08/2021 00:02

Is your lawyer suggesting a round table negotiation, one where you are both legally represented but you come up with a settlement there and then?

I was offered that but as my exhusband could not be trusted to be open and honest about assets and finances I decided against it. Also if you have no idea what this is worth how do you know you are getting a good deal?

There is also an option to ask for an arbitration hearing. You are both represented but you don't go to public court. An paid arbitrator is appointed, usually a barrister or judge and they make a decision on the settlement which is legally binding. It avoids the need for multiple hearings. It is much quicker than going through the normal system which can take up to two years.

However, again you need to know what a good settlement looks like. I found solicitors very vague and costly and ended up representing myself with advice from a direct access barrister.

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 23/08/2021 00:13

Dacquoise

Thank you for your advises. This is how I feel, all very vague. Think you about the idea of arbitration hearing, I’ve never heard if it. Direct access barrister, I’m also considering. Some of my friends did the same

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 23/08/2021 06:58

Sounds like you need a new solicitor.

gonnabeok · 23/08/2021 07:18

Look at clerksroom direct, for the direct access scheme to a barrister. I am using them.you can cut out the cost of a solicitor if you are confident filling in paperwork etc. Fill in a child maintenance application online asap , you can do that even if you live in the same house as long as you do nothing with him. You can look up your benefits entitlement online.do that right away and get your own account opened if you don't have one.Starling bank do one that only takes minutes to open online.keep a record of all of his unreasonable behaviour.

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 23/08/2021 19:13

gonnabeok

Thank you

What do you mean by nothing to do with him? He payes mortgage and utility bills. I was stupidly buying food and cooking, but finished that now ...

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 23/08/2021 19:23

Where are you in the divorce process?

Mediation is required prior to court action. It has to be attended or attempted and the mediator signs off.

I had a very similar Ex. The fact you have 4 children and main carer will make your finance case stronger.

First, speak to another solicitor, you don't need a reasonable solicitor, pick someone who you wouldn't want to pick a fight with. I stupidly went from an amicable, gentle solicitor who was no match for Ex's really aggressive legal team.

Whydidimarryhim · 23/08/2021 20:53

Get a different solicitor - please - you don’t want someone who knows his solicitor - they need to be totally independent.
Ask around - look in the next town to you.
Don’t do anything.
He wants you out - bastard - how these men treat there children is beyond me.
You can apply for benefits as you are living separately. You will be entitled to some tax credits for the children.
Some people can claim spousal maintenance if they are a high earner.
Get a different solicitor.
Gather any financials details on your husband - savings, pension pot and his wage - you may not get these though but he will submit them on his form.
Get a different solicitor - one who has your best interest at heart.
Post under divorce under here for example - shit hit lawyer recommendations in Bexleheath.
Get his National insurance number as they will be able to sort out
maintenance from this.
put in a claim for child benefit too for all the children. You will be able to claim as now you are living separately under one roof.

Good luck.💐

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