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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Divorce

39 replies

StarsStarStars · 22/08/2021 21:34

My husband for over 15 years is cheating on my. Last year has been horrendous.... He’s been in and out of the house in the middle of the night, me or children never know where he is. He is constantly on the phone with her. His phone is constantly beeping...I found him drunk on the phone to her laughing on the day of my dad’s funeral ( I could not travel because of Covid..).......He has been denying the affair, and refuses to move out. He raised the divorced petition on unreasonable behaviour and wants to sell our family home in future ( we gave 4 children)... I can’t not live like that.... I have no family around.. I asked him to go, but he wouldn’t, as he said he is the one who is paying the mortgage... he could easily go, his mother lives down the road on her own in 4 bed / 3 bath house. What can I do? It must be a way out...

OP posts:

MrsMaizel · 23/08/2021 20:56

Your lawyer doesn't seem to be giving you much confidence and tbh it sounds like you need a new one. There are legal things that he will not be able to avoid and that includes giving all details of his pension and other income . As someone else has asked - where are you in this ? He served you with divorce papers? Have you signed and returned ? He is not able to walk away from this leaving you and 4 children destitute .

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 23/08/2021 23:48

Thank you very much, everyone. I very much appreciate all advises.

I went for this solicitor because few of my friends highly recommended her, but she is very gentle, and friend with his lawyer which is I feel uncomfortable about.

He raised the petition, I responded ( agreed, not sure if it was a right thing to do..) and decree Nisi will be pronounced this week.
He is in a rush ...( I think OW think he is a good catch and wants him to get divorced ASAP), I’m not, but I just want him to move out, as it’s horrible to put up with all that going...

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DelphiniumBlue · 24/08/2021 00:07

I'm a bit surprised to hear the decree nisi will be pronounced this week when the finances and arrangements for the children have not yet been sorted.
Where's his Form E?

DelphiniumBlue · 24/08/2021 00:10

Also, you seem to be saying that in fact your are not separated, that you are still cooking for him etc.
Although you can still be living in the same house , in order to be able to claim CMS or benefits I think you will need to show that you are living separately, so don't cook for him or do his washing.

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 24/08/2021 00:17

DelphiniumBlue

I have no idea where his E form, I haven’t done mine yet. And I don’t know why it’s like that...he only raised the petition in July, it all happened very quickly. He probably did it especially during school holidays, as I always with children and have no time to do anything.. I know nothing about divorce process, no one in my family ever got divorced...he knows what he is doing, and his solicitor it’s also his friend...

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Original poster

StarsStarStars · 24/08/2021 00:27

I know, I’m so stupid, cooking for him, expecting him to change. It’s so hard to keep my feeling separately.. but I stoped now, he told me that he will cut electricity if I stop cooking for him...

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DelphiniumBlue · 24/08/2021 00:39

It's been a long time since I worked in that area, so things may have changed, but ask your solicitor whether Form E needs to be filed before the divorce is finalised, and what are the consequences of it being filed after Decree Nisi. Confirm that there may be a financial dispute.
Explain that because of his bullying behaviour mediation would not be appropriate..and really your solicitor should be advising you about that.
You'll need to arrange a valuation of the house and of any pension and assets you might have..again, the solciitor should be advising re this.
TBH it doesn't sound as if the solicitor is very confident. You might be better off with someone else.

DelphiniumBlue · 24/08/2021 00:48

@StarsStarStars

He really is a bully, isn't he. If he has issued divorce proceedings, it's time you moved on mentally. I'm getting the impression that English is not your first language and that he is taking advantage of your vulnerability. It might be worth you speaking to Citizens Advice to find out more about your entitlements and where to go for help. I'm sure other people on MN will know more about this than me, and can signpost agencies where you can get help ,but I think he is being financially abusive. Threatening to cut off your children's electricity supply if you don't do what he wants is an example of this. I'm sorry I can't help more, my knowledge is just not up to date enough.

Nat6999 · 24/08/2021 01:27

Get a better solicitor, look for one as far away as you can as they are nearly always known to each other & then get an occupation order to get him out. Look for one who is like a pitbull who will chew him up & spit him out. He is being financially abusive as well as playing away, use it to your advantage.

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 24/08/2021 07:33

Yes, English isn’t my first language, we met in different country, and then moved together to UK, as he is English. He is a bully, but I feel my solicitor is underestimating it ( probably his lawyer told her that he is a “ nice guy “)...that’s why she is pushing for mediation...she said we need to sort out finances before the decree absolute.

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Dacquoise · 24/08/2021 12:04

The divorce is separate from the financial settlement so you can get divorced before his Form E is filed.

However, decree nisi is okay but you don't want the decree absolute which is the next bit before you have the financial settlement. If your husband were to pass away you would find it difficult to claim his pension as you will no longer be classed as his widow.

Dacquoise · 24/08/2021 12:06

Are you in London Op? If you are Family Law in Practice are SHLs if you want to use solicitors.

Dacquoise · 24/08/2021 12:11

You will find that solicitors and barristers know each other as they come into contact all the time.

I would be more concerned about trying to mediate without a clear idea of what this is worth. It is a common ploy with high earners ie stocks and shares and final salary pensions get overlooked.

Her DH is probably hoping that if he starves her of funds she will settle quickly.

Dacquoise · 24/08/2021 12:13

Another handy resource is Wikivorce website. You can ask members to look at your situation and give you a ballpark figure for asset split and maintenance. There are barristers on there that give free advice.

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