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Original poster

leaving my husband (film industry - drug / party addict)

39 replies

Almostfamous29 · 22/08/2021 21:16

i shared on Mn a few months ago that my marriage has been in trouble for while, we have an 18 month old. my husband is 33 and this is our first child, he has never been ready to give up his partying lifestyle at all and its been a constant cause of our arguments ever since. It has escalated rcently to not coming home, spending hundreds of pounds on hotel rooms etc for after parties.

He works in the film industry, and is now surrounding himself with younger women and people who enable his partying lifestyle. other people who take drugs recreationally each weekend.
im desperate to break free, and have told him we are separating.
I'm excited for my future and not even worried about being a single mother, as I have felt like a single mother the entire time.

I am scared about co-parenting. He still parties and does drugs. He was up doing drugs andd drinking until 7am the night before he's due to see our son (arranged with me)

I am going to speak to a lawyer but does anyone have advice for co-parenting with someone like this?

He will accuse me of taking his child from him , which isnt what i want to do. but what is best for me and for our child?

OP posts:
SnatchCassidy · 22/08/2021 21:26

Mrs Depp??

HollowTalk · 22/08/2021 21:29

That's a horrible situation. He sounds very immature and I'm sure he'll regret all this later.

Are you close to his family? Could you insist he only sees your child when he's with them?

I would have rules - no driving with the child, no overnights if he's going to have friends around etc.

gardeninggirl68 · 22/08/2021 21:36

you have not been anything like a 'single mother' whilst married with a secure income and an albeit useless, partner in the home!! nothing

he will have to step up for his child.....which is likely to have him trying to get you back within the month, once he realises...or he will give up swing the child completely. what has he said he wants/envisages?

Original poster
Almostfamous29 · 22/08/2021 21:42

He’s said he wants to see him 3/4 times a week which is more than he sees him now; so he is in denial.

I’m on good terms with his parents (for now) so can do a handover to them for the short term while things go through their transition.

I feel so relieved to not have to worry any more what he gets up to on his nights

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 22/08/2021 21:46

How has all this been happening during lockdown, though? What was he like when he was confined to the house?

Original poster
Almostfamous29 · 22/08/2021 21:48

Partying at peoples houses mainly. He hasn’t been out the entire time, it comes in waves but it has escalated since the night clubs reopened

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 22/08/2021 21:49

Have you spoken to a solicitor ?
Have you asked about supervised visits ?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2021 21:51

Gather all the evidence you possibly can, get a solicitor, and if he wants visitation he can petition through the courts. I would not be sending my child to a drug addict.

Original poster
Almostfamous29 · 22/08/2021 21:53

I’m speaking with a solicitor tomorrow. I’m worried that once I involve lawyers or ask for supervised visits it will be more harmful for our child, as he will sense how odd it is.
On the other hand I don’t want to have them around someone who is coming down from drugs and alcohol, so I may not have any choice. That may scare him into cleaning up his act

OP posts:
TrampolineForMrKite · 22/08/2021 21:53

I don’t have any advice besides the basics that have been covered, but well done for making this choice now. Your son will thank you when he’s older.

Nivealove · 22/08/2021 21:53

@SnatchCassidy

Mrs Depp??
Hmm
NashvilleQueen · 22/08/2021 21:58

Yeah the Mrs Depp comment completely unnecessary.

HollowTalk · 22/08/2021 22:06

He’s said he wants to see him 3/4 times a week which is more than he sees him now; so he is in denial.

I would ask him to look back over the last two months and say how often he's seen his son in that time. He needs to be shocked into reality.

GettingItOutThere · 22/08/2021 22:20

@gardeninggirl68

you have not been anything like a 'single mother' whilst married with a secure income and an albeit useless, partner in the home!! nothing

he will have to step up for his child.....which is likely to have him trying to get you back within the month, once he realises...or he will give up swing the child completely. what has he said he wants/envisages?

this ^

the single mother comment is offensive to actual single parents, on one wage you know?

you think even in this relationship this is okay exposing your child to? Just end it and become an actual single parent..

Housemovestress · 22/08/2021 22:25

I totally disagree on the single mother comment being offensive. Having been a mother living with a H who left everything to me I had the combination of feeling like a single mother whilst constantly feeling upset and resentful, single parenthood is a breeze in comparison to that for me (recognise it’s my own experience) but as a single parent I really don’t find it offensive.

Crikeyalmighty · 22/08/2021 22:30

I think the comments about OPs life being nothing like a single mother are completely unnecessary. Is it because she dares to have a husband with a glamorous sounding job??? Because regardless of what your partner /husband does, if they aren’t mentally ‘there’ for you and very much doing their own thing, it does feel exactly like being a single mother. Not all single mothers are in one bed flats on UC—other variations on this theme apply and are equally relevant. !

teaandcrumpets35 · 22/08/2021 23:03

The single mother comment was clearly meant to mean she is used to caring for her baby alone. Why the nit picking?

Op if this is his lifestyle are you even sure that he'll want the responsibility of looking after a toddler? Would definitely interfere with his partying and hangovers.

RickOShay · 22/08/2021 23:08

Good for you. I also understand what you say about feeling like a single mother while being in a relationship. I’ve been in both situations and I understand what you mean. Good luck Flowers

apalledandshocked · 22/08/2021 23:19

@gardeninggirl68

you have not been anything like a 'single mother' whilst married with a secure income and an albeit useless, partner in the home!! nothing

he will have to step up for his child.....which is likely to have him trying to get you back within the month, once he realises...or he will give up swing the child completely. what has he said he wants/envisages?

I disagree actually. I am a single mother and feel less "alone" now than when I was in a relationship with the father even though in theory it should have been easier. It isn't easy being a single parent, but it is actually easier than parenting while in a relationship with someone disinterested in parenting (but still expecting attention from you)/chronically unreliable and irresponsible/abusive/ with drug and alcohol addictions etc etc.
marly11 · 22/08/2021 23:23

I wonder, if it he is a selfish person who will want to continue his partying lifestyle, whether you may be better not trying to overtly stop him doing what he says he wants in terms of contact and either a. Move a long long way away before he can do much about it or b. Let him have lots of contact as he's requested, which will last a short time before he doesn't want to do it. That's assuming the risk to your DC is not too great as a short term trial. With some people like this if you try to say no that will make them more determined to fight you whereas if they think you are desperate for them to 'do their share' they are likely to fail in this and suddenly realise the impact on their selfish lifestyles and pedal back from their unrealistic requests. The other option is saying 'let's gradually build it up with 1-2 days and then see. No doubt he will realise the full impact - especially if you are 'not available' when he suddenly starts to ask you to do the childcare on his days when he has unexpected social and work events.

apalledandshocked · 22/08/2021 23:28

But good luck leaving, it sounds like you are doing the right thing! With the drugs, it seems unlikely he is going to stop that lifestyle. I guess what it comes down to is whether he is "decent" enough (low bar) to not be doing that while being responsible for his child (even if it means him cancelling child contact arrangements/bringing them back early so he can go on a bender) or whether he is shitty enough to combine his contact time with drug taking.
The first scenario is very very annoying and unfortunately very typical. It makes life much harder for the other parent than it needs to be since you cant ever rely on the other parent being their for the child when they need to be. But at least you don't need to worry about the safety/welfare of your child. The second scenario is much more worrying - you might have a good idea of which is more likely in his case, but I would consult with a good solicitor re your concerns, and be ready to monitor the situation carefully.

Itsybitsydooda · 22/08/2021 23:29

Get rid asap. Next time you know he's doing drugs, phone the police so they have a record of it. Then insist of supervised visits with your child. He cannot be trusted to be reliable or responsible if he is on a come down etc.

Nextchapterofmybook · 22/08/2021 23:33

Speak to social services

muffindays · 22/08/2021 23:34

Keep a diary op of his behaviour and contact so it's in writing and a good record in case you need it.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/08/2021 00:08

Speak to a solicitor. Lay out the facts and ask him what the minimum access you are likely to get approved. Chances are you aren't going to be able to restrict access or get supervised visitation based on pure 'allegations' no matter how true they are. Even if he were to stand up in court and say "Yes, I like to party, but I am never around my child under the influence of alcohol" (because he's not going to admit to illegal drugs) a judge isn't going to find him 'unfit' to have charge of his child. You'd need direct evidence that he has endangered that child or has been under the influence of alcohol or drugs around him.

If he's the typical entertainment industry party boy, when it comes down to it he's not going to want to restrict his 'lifestyle' to see his child 3-4 times per week unless you are there to do the drudge work and facilitate visits. What he probably means is "3-4 times a week I will come to your home if you've made the arrangements. I will play with our child until I get bored and you will take over if he needs changing or becomes fussy or difficult. Then I will leave and you will clean up any mess I have made". If this sounds like him, just refuse to arrange visits or facilitate him. Unless he has compliant family who will actually watch the child or has the money to hire a nanny, chances are he's not going to actually 'use' a lot of access time. It's going to cramp his lifestyle.

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