leaving my husband (film industry - drug / party addict)

[Almostfamous29]

i shared on Mn a few months ago that my marriage has been in trouble for while, we have an 18 month old. my husband is 33 and this is our first child, he has never been ready to give up his partying lifestyle at all and its been a constant cause of our arguments ever since. It has escalated rcently to not coming home, spending hundreds of pounds on hotel rooms etc for after parties.

He works in the film industry, and is now surrounding himself with younger women and people who enable his partying lifestyle. other people who take drugs recreationally each weekend.
im desperate to break free, and have told him we are separating.
I'm excited for my future and not even worried about being a single mother, as I have felt like a single mother the entire time.

I am scared about co-parenting. He still parties and does drugs. He was up doing drugs andd drinking until 7am the night before he's due to see our son (arranged with me)

I am going to speak to a lawyer but does anyone have advice for co-parenting with someone like this?

He will accuse me of taking his child from him , which isnt what i want to do. but what is best for me and for our child?

Absolutely nothing wrong with the single mother comment so I’ve no idea why some posters are making a big deal about this.

Courts always consider the 'best interests' of DC and will want to facilitate access for both parents. However, stability is also key. If he normally works 5 out of 7 days (officially) it makes sense that 2 days are with him and not higher. Without proof of drug taking you cannot stop access.

I was more of a single mother whilst with my ex than I am now, so shut up with the bitchy comments.

OP, speak to social services about your concerns with his drug taking. I wouldn't like to entrust my kids to someone on drugs.

Personally, I would not be talking to the police or social services about his drug-taking at parties, not yet. I think that is an unnecessary escalation at this stage, will increase hostilities significantly and could have implications for his job and earning potential.

I would be talking to a solicitor to find out what I can realistically expect to achieve, and encouraging him to do the same - he will be given a big dose of reality at this point, when the implications of caring for his child for 3/4 nights per week are laid bare.

The nit picking about the single mother comment has really pissed me off. It was obvious what OP meant ffs.

I'm a single mother but by some people's standards on mumsnet I'd probably not be allowed that title as my son's father is in his life and I have a decent job, home and lifestyle with a secure income.

I've seen people on here saying you're only a single mother is the father is totally absent before. Anyway sorry for having a rant on your thread OP.

Good luck with the solicitors

The single mother comment isn't offensive. I'm a single mum, have been in a marriage where I was still a single mum - paid for everything myself - the house/childcare fees, all bills, my exH did NOTHING financially or with his DC. I have never felt as lonely as I did then.

You could wait and see if your partner himself initiates contact with your DC - this would be a good indication of how things will be further down the line. My exH initially did all the "you're taking her away from me/won't let me see her" BS - and told his friends the same - yet it was me who, 3 months later, contacted CMS for maintenance and contacted him to ask if he was ever going to see DD. He did start seeing her every Saturday for a few hours, this quickly dropped to once a fortnight. He now hasn't seen her for nearly 2 years. She's 10.

I know how you feel OP. You want to do the right thing and for your DS to have a relationship with his dad but you also know that this might result in DS's disappointment and neglect. It's a tough one. Get a good lawyer. I hope things turn out ok for you and your son in the long run.

@Bbub. Yep- hence my post higher up— some people seem to think it’s some kind of club you can only join if you fit their criteria— as I said I know several single mums with ex partners with quite glamorous sounding jobs and they often got nasty comments even though in some cases they were actually no better off financially than the ones making the nasty comments.

@Crikeyalmighty yes I totally agree, it's because OPs husband has a glamorous sounding job. People are jealous, but we know nothing of their financial situation and i don't see anything to envy from the opening post!

@Bbub. Absolutely- someone on a Brexit post(not on mumsnet) said to me, it’s alright for you - you get to travel with work, live in pretty nice places, yet are caring about those struggling - it’s champagne socialism. And as I said to them, ‘yep I’m all for that as something to aspire to, what’s not to like!! you seem to be voting to make other people’s lives shitter but not really make yours any better either in any tangible way. ‘ if a woman is struggling and feeling like a single parent, not being poor helps with the practicalities but it doesn’t take away that feeling of it all being on you and the mental shit of having a feckless partner is still bloody awful, whatever your domestic circumstances.

Oh and@Almostfamous29. I’ve got a husband in a creative and similar job. He has plenty of faults and an ego and is in his50s now , but drugs and staying out hanging around crowds of bright young things isn’t one of them. I would be honest and say he either cleans up and acts like a person with responsibilities or it’s better that you separate and parent amicably together as you can’t cope mentally with marriage and parenthood combined with his lifestyle -

@Crikeyalmighty oh so caring about others is champagne socialism, OK 😂 Yes the lone patenting stress comes in all forms doesn't it. as much as I hate the phrase "gatekeeping" as a criticism, it springs to mind here!

GettingItOutThere Sun 22-Aug-21 22:20:27
gardeninggirl68
you have not been anything like a 'single mother' whilst married with a secure income and an albeit useless, partner in the home!! nothing
he will have to step up for his child.....which is likely to have him trying to get you back within the month, once he realises...or he will give up swing the child completely. what has he said he wants/envisages?
this ^
the single mother comment is offensive to actual single parents, on one wage you know? you think even in this relationship this is okay exposing your child to? Just end it and become an actual single parent..

Being a single mother / parent isn't confined to people with low income or on one wage. It's parenting your child ON YOUR OWN without help from the other parent.

@Bbub. Yep it seems you aren’t allowed to care now if you personally are doing ok and get to do nice things— apparently it’s champagne socialism-. (Or in my case White wine socialism) . It pisses me off— it’s simply inverse snobbery.

The 'single mother' thing is one of the latest Mumsnet pet peeves. See also: bio mum and gender guess
Anyway, congratulations OP, you're about to find life a lot calmer. I doubt he will be that useful or interested as time goes on.
Good luck