Dealing with an avoidant

[thatuniqueusername]

My wife is avoidant and doesn't seem to be doing anything about it.
She knows it is the main reason why there's problems in our marriage.

She concealed and lied about debt she'd built up before we met that nearly stopped us buying our house. She then worked up a massive amount of debt (several 10s of k) that we had to extend the mortgage to sort out. She wrote to me that she'd do anything to put it right.
We went to counselling and some of the reasons why were discussed but she stopped going. Nothing was resolved.
Within a year I find out that there was now another set of credit cards that have been accumulating debt.
At this point I had had enough of the lies and said something needed to be done to stop it. We either needed to have proper joint accounts or I needed to be able to know what was going on with her finances. How could I trust her not to do this again? This is when she said that the marriage wasn't working for her.
Not long after that she manufactured an argument over me not doing the dishwasher despite me having been working in the garden for nearly 2 days as she'd been complaining it was messy. She said after that that we should just be co-parenting but seems to have been sending mixed messages since as to whether we're a couple or not.
We live together still. We go on holidays together. She says she loves me.
I managed to get us back into doing some counselling. I found out that she's avoidant and that she's known that for some time. She needs to go through a lot of stuff but she's refusing further counselling and appears to be doing very little to tackle the things that might allow us to have a more normal relationship.
It's been over 2 years since the argument. It's been over 3 years since there was any kind of intimacy and even then it had been very infrequent for over 10 years.
Email discussions on what is going on and what should be done next are left by her for weeks and months at a time or just abandoned entirely. When I try to talk about things the response is that there's too much pressure.

What am I supposed to do? I don't think we can afford to split up but I can't really continue in this relationship that's not really a relationship but might be a relationship thing.

What happens if you sit her down and speak to her face to face? I see writing it down helps but if she’s still avoiding?
My partner of 5yrs is avoidant, he’s currently ignored me for 3 days, it’s an awful way to be treated when you want to try and support them?!

@Flia42 Talking face to face doesn't work most of the time as it's usually either that it's putting too much pressure on her or she needs some kind of warning that there's going to be a discussion. Even if there's been a warning then there's no guarantee that the discussion will go ahead. If the discussion goes ahead and I think we've made some progress it will have been forgotten by the next discussion.
It's not that she ever ignores me just that she's doing all the classic avoidant personality things.

@thatuniqueusername it sounds very difficult. Mine does discuss, usually retreats / sulks ) after and it’s all brushed under the carpet.
I’m not sure if it’s worth saying to her in a nice way ‘we need to resolve x because I’m finding this relationship unhappy to be in’
Does she appear bothered when she probably knows you are unhappy and frustrated?

You are wasting your life with her. Do whatever it takes to get out of this marriage and move on.

I was married to a dismissive avoidant for 16 years. Nothing was ever discussed, nothing was ever resolved. He was in his own little world, totally unreachable, lived like a single man with a live in housekeeper, childcare and cook, me. It wore me down until I didn't know who I was anymore. If your DW won't do the necessary work at therapy (mine used it to manipulate the counsellor onto his 'side') there is little you can do to alter this situation.

Best thing I did was to go into therapy to work on my people pleasing tendencies. Now divorced, new partner and couldn't be happier as he's a secure attachment and there are no mind games. Perhaps properly investigate the finances if you split? It may be better than you think. It's no way to live.

I was confused by your title about her being avoidant and then you open with she is a liar and a spending addict.

@Flia42 That's the thing she does seem bothered about me and upset at the effect it all has on me but she's still unable to do what's needed.

I should probably just find somewhere to rent and move out. We can probably afford it. It will probably just mean getting rid of things and downsizing. So much time, money and energy wasted.

What is she spending tens of thousands on?

I ended my marriage primarily because my ex kept wracking up debt/lying and nauseum.

I just couldn't cope with being in such a financially precarious position all the time.

Well, and he arranged to meet a young woman in a bar when on a work trip, but that was icing on the cake really.

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders
I'm not sure how the avoidant personality plays into things exactly but keeping finances separated seems to be part of an avoidant strategy. A way to keep independence. Whether the avoidance is related to the lying and spending or is a different issue I'm not sure.

The money issues were why we ended up in counselling and how I found out she was avoidant.

@aerosocks
I tried to find out and eventually had several years of statements through getting her to send data protection requests. There's nothing obvious in any of the statements I've seen other than general buying and then not paying off debt. There was well over 10k just in interest and charges. She's always got loads of clothes and shoes and our daughter has more clothes than she could ever wear. I think it's a general accumulation of stuff that's not really needed. There was a point where there would be several parcels a day turning up at our house.

Interesting you’ve mentioned about finances, mines very independent with that side of things. Never has much or so he says but he does because I know what he buys. I suspect more to it but like I said we have hit the end of the rd sadly.

What would you like to come from this? Sadly it can be ingrained and as much as you try you may not be able to change her ways?

There was a point where there would be several parcels a day turning up at our house.

This sounds like it could be part and parcel of a shipping addiction? It’s only my own experience - partner with 30k of debt -but the dismissive avoidant lies were covering up the shame and panic about the addictive behaviour of the uncontrollable spending. They couldn’t face it. Does this sound like her?

It sounds like your just friends/co-parenting and she’s happy squandering money.
You need to see a solicitor, make an appointment with one and let her know she needs to attend.

*shopping

Why waste your one precious life trying to figure out and live with someone who isn't prepared to compromise with you? Stop using fancy words and face the fact she is not a team player. Fine if you like being lied to and coping with extravagant spending, but really, face facts for goodness sake and end this self inflicted torture.

Sadly I think you're doing all the work in this relationship and she's taking the piss. To keep racking up debt, to avoid intimacy, refuse to discuss...you can do better than this. You've tried every option...I'd go for divorce now. Sorry!

Yes interesting about the spending and debt. My ex husband was a spender. Would go to the shops most lunchtimes and come home with bags full of unnecessary stuff, mostly for himself. Had an odd habit of buying multipacks of cleaning products if they were on sale. Never saw him clean in all the years I knew him.

Never in the black in any of his bank accounts, always overdrawn. No savings, always spent more than he earned. No financial planning at all. Despite earning an enormous salary. When we divorced there were relatively little in assets apart from his pension and ongoing salary.

I suspect it's an emotional issue with the spending, getting a buzz from buying that they can't get from personal interaction with other people. Doesn't give any security though being with a spender.

I wish people would stop using this attachment style nonsense as an excuse to tolerate utter bullshit from people.

Your wife has an addiction and is refusing help for it. She is also a liar into the bargain. Everyone has their issues but her issues are substantially detrimental to you and your family. THAT is what matters.

She doesn't want to change. She wants you to accept this nonsense. Anxious attachment...pfffft hogwash baloney rot, doesn't matter a jot.

See a solicitor and for yourself out of there.
Good luck!

@Flia42 It feels like we used to have a really good relationship and then several external things over the years have caused her issues and she's gradually shut herself off and done stupid things with money. Maybe if she got help with the underlying issues there would be some way we could retrieve the relationship.

I know I deserve better than all of this but it feels wrong to walk.

@thatuniqueusername your wife has an addiction that unless she addresses will drive you both further apart. I expect it’s not fun for her either in ways but it’s also important you have an enjoyable life too.
You sound lovely and willing to try but ske needs to help herself and until then no one really can help her

LTB.

Leave The Bitch.

DTB. Ditch the Bitch. This is not good for you and when it finally all goes belly up (as it will) your DC will need someone stable to turn to. That can't be you if you are still involved with your DW and caught up in the mess.

@thatuniqueusername how are things?

She has issues and her usual strategy of you rescue and fixing her works well for her. Paying her debt - you are enabling her.
I’d suggest you look up codependents anonymous and see if you identify with the traits.
You can start by focusing on yourself more.