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Original poster

Overreaction to passing comment

46 replies

Attackofthenarc · 22/08/2021 13:06

Have NC
So I've just had the weirdest call with my dad who is apoplectic at a passing comment I made to my niece that I assumed was truth as he'd told me it.
I'm no contact with her dad as he is a proven narc but I still am in contact with her mum and we all met for coffee yesterday for the first time since before Covid. Niece doesn't go to her dad's much as he's let her down many times and I think the relationship is quite strained.

Niece does a hobby and before Covid I was told by my dad that her work within this hobby had been spotted by a pro and she'd been invited to showcase her work. So naturally I said grandad had told me and asked how it was going and was told that wasn't the case. Changed subject and carried on with the afternoon. All fine.

Well, this morning my phone blows up as niece's mum has text her dad asking if grandad is not proud of her as she is and feels the need to lie about her achievements. Her dad has contacted our dad and gone off on him calling him a liar and he's then called me absolutely raging, that he never said it, won't be called a liar, I must have dreamt it and I'm to sort "this fucking mess out". I said he definitely did say it to me but yes, I'll call and say I obviously dreamt it. He then still rages at me about him "getting shit from (brother)" and hangs up.

I've messaged the mum and said to say I obviously dreamt it then and there must bigger issues and she's now messaging me saying sorry it's caused all this drama. I don't understand why I'm getting the rough end of rage for a passing comment. I've done what was asked of me even though it's not what happened. I didn't dream it.
Any suggestions?!?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 13:09

The mums got a brass neck. She’s the one who kicked all this off by texting the father and kicking off.

Original poster
Attackofthenarc · 22/08/2021 13:24

@Bluntness100 Agree, but what more can I do now? I said I would say I dreamt it.
I'm bloody 45 years old and feel like I'm about 5!

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 22/08/2021 14:22

I've messaged the mum and said to say I obviously dreamt it then and there must bigger issues and she's now messaging me saying sorry it's caused all this drama. I don't understand why I'm getting the rough end of rage for a passing comment. I've done what was asked of me even though it's not what happened. I didn't dream it.
Any suggestions?!?

Yes.
Stop colluding in this madness.

It did happen, he did say it, none of it is your fault, & you should tell anyone giving you grief about it to take it up with your dad. Explain that all you have done is mention a nice thing to your niece, & it's not your responsibility when anyone else decides to get weird about it.

ChargingBuck · 22/08/2021 14:25

[quote Attackofthenarc]@Bluntness100 Agree, but what more can I do now? I said I would say I dreamt it.
I'm bloody 45 years old and feel like I'm about 5! [/quote]
It's not surprising is it?
All this bullshit does is remove your agency from you.

Just tell the truth, & redirect anyone who can't cope facts back to your dad. That includes dad himself btw - "dad, you said the thing, what's the big deal, grow up & stop mithering me".

username890 · 22/08/2021 14:25

I don't really understand the OP. You said to your neice: I was told by my dad that your work within this hobby has been spotted by a pro and you've been invited to showcase your work.

Your niece said that this wasn't the case.

Your niece's dad (is he your brother or BIL?) then calls you and says it's not true and this is now a massive drama.

So your niece has told her dad that her grandad is lying about her achievements because he feels she hasn't achieved enough.

OP it sounds like a storm in a teacup. Why is everyone around you raging? Are they normally like this? I know some people thrive on drama and if there isn't any going on, they create it. Does that sound familiar. I'd back away from the lot of them. I wouldn't feed the drama either by getting involved further and refuse to discuss it with anyone.

They sound mad as a box of frogs.

Original poster
Attackofthenarc · 22/08/2021 15:14

Thanks so far for confirmation that I'm not odd in thinking this is all weird.
This has never happened before, it's my dad's reaction that has thrown me - he was absolutely raging. I've never heard him swear before let alone raise his voice.
I haven't spoken to mum about it yet - they're divorced. I just don't know where to move forward from here and think I'll just wait for him to reach out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Attackofthenarc · 22/08/2021 15:35

I'm even trying to think that even if I lied (which I didn't) and just made up he'd said it that the rage is disproportionate to it.
I'm now seriously doubting myself even though I shouldn't be! I'm even tempted to check in with NC brother to find out why this has gone volcanic.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/08/2021 16:09

You said your ex is a narc, and I wonder if your dad has narc tendencies that you haven't recognised until now, because that's a full on narc rage.

We're often drawn to partners who mimic our parents behaviour.

The narcs I've dealt with have often gone unrecognised as such - until their façade as a lovely charming friendly person is exposed, then they explode into rage, usually at the person who has exposed their lie.

Original poster
Attackofthenarc · 22/08/2021 19:06

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation It was my brother who is the narc.
Just got a text from my dad saying he still waiting for an apology and "trust you're sorting it!"

OP posts:
Original poster
Attackofthenarc · 22/08/2021 22:52

Spoke to mum and apparently he was ragey to her on a few occasions. Vein popping rage apparently. I never would have guessed. He was the most fun growing up, always calm. It was always when she called him out on a lie too. So there we are.

OP posts:
Backtoblack1 · 22/08/2021 23:13

Put this back on him! Your father has gaslighted you and your brother sounds horrible too.

SnarkyBag · 22/08/2021 23:19

He’s raging because he’s been caught in his own lie and would rather make you look stupid than admit it. I would not apologise at all and certainly wouldn’t be telling people you dreamt it/made it up.

Comtesse · 22/08/2021 23:58

What exactly are you supposed to apologise FOR? Tell him he’s being ridiculous.

Original poster
Attackofthenarc · 23/08/2021 00:05

He wants me to get niece's mum to apologise to him via my brother (her ex/niece's dad).

OP posts:
Maze76 · 23/08/2021 00:28

I’d leave it now or as others have said direct those angry family members to your Dad.

johnd2 · 23/08/2021 00:44

His feelings (and everyone else's) are not your responsibility! Yes he should let you know how he feels, as should everyone else, but it's their own feeling for them to deal with themselves.
Regarding apologies, everyone who wants to can apologise to whoever they want to!
Sounds like you want to keep out of this complex web of needy people, rather than trying to fix the impossible!
All that's left is for you to be clear about your feeling eg "I'm very confused and disturbed by what the big deal is" and about where your responsibility ends eg "I'm happy to explain myself to anyone but i can't make anyone else do anything and won't attempt to"

Recessed · 23/08/2021 04:07

Brother's a narc... wonder where he got it from? 🤔

Don't give in to your dad's demands - he's shifting the blame because he's embarrassed (as he should be what a weird thing to lie about) he's a nasty piece of work making this your fault. Stand firm here OP and tell him he's being ridiculous and is a liar.

BeachDrifting · 23/08/2021 04:52

He’s been caught in a lie and I suspect that you are now seeing a glimpse of the behaviour that led to your parents divorce. This is who he is. The rage and behaviour is inappropriate, immature and should not be tolerated. Do not apologise. Do not engage. If it was me I’d text “you need to stop. I’m disgusted by your language and your behaviour. You are not 5 years old. Nobody is apologising to you. Grow up. You’re acting weird because you got caught lying. Own it. Stop messaging me or I’ll have no more to do with you. Narc behaviour will not be indulged”

PinniGig · 23/08/2021 05:10

Jeez you touched a nerve there somewhere I think. Not your fault by any stretch it's a perfectly normal, reasonable and pretty standard thing to bring up in conversation but it must have hit the sorest arse nerve ending for whatever reason.

brokenbiscuitsx · 23/08/2021 07:12

[quote Attackofthenarc]@EvenMoreFuriousVexation It was my brother who is the narc.
Just got a text from my dad saying he still waiting for an apology and "trust you're sorting it!" [/quote]
Whatever you do OP don’t double back and say things like, oh maybe he didn’t say it. He did! He needs to learn the consequences of his fibbing, did he honed think someone wouldn’t bring this up with your niece? Just don’t back track OP, stick to the facts/truth!

brokenbiscuitsx · 23/08/2021 07:13

Honestly*

Theredjellybean · 23/08/2021 07:19

I'd be wondering where all the grown ups have gone?
Calmly reply "I really don't understand why you are all so upset about what appears to be a simple misunderstanding, I am sorry you feel like this but niece is not bothered by my misinterpretation of things so I consider it sorted"

Ughmaybenot · 23/08/2021 07:30

Why are you still engaging?
To your father, either block completely or simply ‘you’ll be waiting a while given I’ve absolutely nothing to apologise for. Don’t say that which isn’t true and then get annoyed when it’s repeated.’
To your brother, nothing at all.
To nieces mum, ‘I can’t really explain it, (Dad) definitely said that but I think it best we all leave it now’ Absolutely do not make yourself look a fucking fool covering for your bonkers father!!
To niece, seemingly the only sensible one, nothing.

JSL52 · 23/08/2021 07:50

I don't understand what niece's mother has to apologise for?
Does your Dad think she lied about the 'achievement' and made him look stupid for telling you ?

Holly60 · 23/08/2021 08:00

Your dad is embarrassed because he got caught out in a lie. Just back off from it all. It is not your mess to sort. Your dad is the one who needs to apologise for lying and then everyone should just move on

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