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Original poster

Depressed over miserable sex life

29 replies

dontcallmeafter6pm · 22/08/2021 10:07

I've come to realise my husband has a serious case of the Madonna/Whore complex and it's tearing me apart.

He is 30 so of the age heavily influenced by porn in adolescence. When we first got together he wanted me to act like a porn star, but after we moved in together and married sex became more and more infrequent. He has to close his eyes all the time, and then he could only orgasm if I was facing away from him. He then couldn't touch me or give me oral anymore, it made him lose his erection. Then, he couldn't orgasm at all. Then he started going soft 60 seconds after entering me.

As a result, he wont even attempt to try to have sex with me more than once every 3 months. And he always goes soft. My sex drive has been getting higher and higher, but when I try and talk to him he says I'm a whore for wanting sex.

He went to the doctor a year ago and was given viagra, which he tried once and it worked. But he won't use it again. I have tried to explain I see sex as something needed in a marriage and it's not about being a whore, it's about intimacy and sharing. But he just doesn't want to know.

I can't put myself through the humiliation anymore so I've said I'm going to stop trying. This has really hurt my self esteem as I've worried there's something wrong with me. I've told him our marriage will not last much longer if this continues, I've suggested marriage counselling etc but he is so unbothered. I don't think he would even care if I was unfaithful at this point.

Can anyone relate to this, is there ever any solution? I imagine the answer is probably no Sad

OP posts:
DDIJ · 22/08/2021 10:09

This reply has been withdrawn

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SheABitSpicyToday · 22/08/2021 10:09

Why would you even want to have sex with someone who thinks you’re a whore??

Eclairesarethebest · 22/08/2021 10:11

This isn't a you problem. This is a Him problem.
If he's not willing to change his ways or look to improve things, I think your beating a dead horse and prolonging the outcome sorry to be blunt op. Thanks

afghanistanwhatnow · 22/08/2021 10:11

I'm going to sound harsh op but has your appearance changed since you met him?

This happens a lot on relationships I know, when people meet and they're in good shape and then sometimes don't make an effort and then the attraction fades.

If this isn't the issue then he needs to communicate with you and tell you why he cannot look at you during sex - that is very bizarre and does sound like he isn't attracted to you (sorry to be blunt but you asked for advice)

I hope you resolve it but it sounds like it's unlikely. He really needs to be honest with you - he knows the reason he just isn't saying. If he is attracted to you then he needs medical help for his sec life to resume but the problem lies with him.

PermanentTemporary · 22/08/2021 10:11

This is really sad.

I always end up recommending therapy! Sex and relationship therapy for you both would be ideal. But if he won't go.. I'm not sure what the answer would be.

It may be more complicated than it looks. Or 'just' that he was terrified by his erectile dysfunction and has found it less threatening to stop trying. I really feel for you both.

afghanistanwhatnow · 22/08/2021 10:12

And yes the white things is very very odd. He sounds very immature - do you like that kind of thing too? If so then fair enough but if you find it off putting then probably best to leave tbh. He can fulfill his weird fantasies elsewhere

Original poster
dontcallmeafter6pm · 22/08/2021 10:12

I'm going to sound harsh op but has your appearance changed since you met him?

Yes but for the better - I look much better now than I did when we met. He says it has nothing to do with how I look.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 22/08/2021 10:13

I do wonder if he could possibly have been abused?

Palavah · 22/08/2021 10:14

His attitude to this would mean the end of the relationship for me. Life's too short

Notenoughcider · 22/08/2021 10:16

I think it is time to leave. He has a problem that he is not willing to do anything to fix. You cannot do it for him.

Do you want to have kids? If so, that won't happen if you don't have sex. He will just destroy your self esteem. Leave now before the damage is irreparable.

TDMN · 22/08/2021 10:17

OP you deserve better than this... if he loved you he would at least try counselling but he's putting the blame on you! Nothing useful to add just that no matter what the root cause of the issue is, it doesnt excuse him treating you like this and you need to remember that.

CasaBonita · 22/08/2021 10:17

He called you a whore for wanting sex? He has issues.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 22/08/2021 10:17

Does he still use porn?

Original poster
dontcallmeafter6pm · 22/08/2021 10:18

I'm not sure if he uses porn now, he says he doesn't but I suspect he does.

OP posts:
BeachDrifting · 22/08/2021 10:28

How old are you OP? You say he’s 30 and I’m assuming you’re about the same? Do you really want another 50 years potentially of no sex!! Leave now today. You’ll have a shit year where you grieve and feel lonely. This time next year you could have met someone who can’t keep his hands off you. You’re married to someone weird to be honest. His whole attitude is strange. You’re done. Surely? You can’t make someone fancy you. They do or don’t. He doesn’t. Let him be on his own with his porn. Go find a normal life.

PermanentTemporary · 22/08/2021 10:29

Yes it seems likely that he does.

My answer would be that if he won't agree to therapy and won't talk to you, this is unfixable. It is incredibly sad that he is so afraid of opening this up that he is willing to lose you rather than do so.

Unanananana · 22/08/2021 10:39

Why would you want to be with someone who calls you a whore?!

Therapy my arse. Bin the disrespectful prick.

Outbutnotoutout · 22/08/2021 10:40

He wanted porn sex, but it didn't fulfil his fantasy and so he closed his eyes or asked you to turn round so he could pretend he was fucking those girls. But it didn't work, so he lost his erection.

Now the realty doesn't match the fantasy so he has stopped trying.

He needs counselling

But I don't think things would be the same again, so I would leave. He has never wanted just you, he wanted you to act in a certain way....

Joy69 · 22/08/2021 10:45

I would leave, it won't get any better. I had an ex once that was like this, but the opposite way. He wanted to do all kinds of degrading stuff in the bedroom ( I refused), but outside expected me to be like a virgin & not have had any other sexual experiences ( We were in our 50's fgs!). If I tried to initiate sex I was told I was a sex pest. It really made me question myself when really it was him with the issue.
You are young & should be having lots of fun sex with a loving partner, not one that turns you away from him. What is he like apart from sex? Is he a bit manipulative/controlling & makes you feel stupid?
Please listen to your gut & live the life that you want Flowers

Anothernick · 22/08/2021 14:12

The ability to satisfy a female partner is a fundamental requirement for a straight man. Most of us men pride ourselves on our ability to do this, which is a reaffirmation of masculinity and also a great ego booster. If he can't do that then his masculinity is incomplete. A sexless relationship at 30 is ridiculous and he should be well aware of that.

GoodnightGrandma · 22/08/2021 14:29

Leave.
There is nothing wrong with you. Call a solicitor and go get your new life.

minniemouseshouses · 22/08/2021 14:39

I agree with PP, just the fact that he called you a whore?! is beyond disrespectful to call your own wife, let alone any woman. I’ve lived in a sexless marriage, it doesn’t get better. Resentment grows, unspoken issues, painful stuff. I got divorced (separated technically) very recently and yes - it’s lonely but I already know it’s worth it. Flowers

WatieKatie · 22/08/2021 14:41

It’s not you OP it’s him.

I’m not sure what your situation is but I certainly couldn’t live with this especially when you are so young. Like you, sex is really important to me too. I think you’ve got some difficult decisions to make.

LocalHobo · 22/08/2021 14:53

He is calling you names to deflect from his upset at his impotence. That is not acceptable but somewhat understandable.
If, despite you handling his issues in a loving way, he refuses to get help, there is no future in your marriage.
I do hate PP's references to YOU not meetings the requirements of a man who has used/is using pornography. It is far more likely he feels inadequate seeing the well endowed, constantly hard male actors, who fully satisfy their mate (obviously I know this is fantasy). No woman should ever feel they are not enough to turn on their DP.

Amortentia · 22/08/2021 16:41

Run. Don't waste your precious youth and self-esteem on this man.