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Original poster

is this acceptable when you have children?

37 replies

Candycotton · 22/08/2021 08:15

hello,

I am 7 months pregnant and have a 2 year old. partner went out with some old friends yesterday. he said it wasnt that kind of night, just a trip to the pub to watch some football and they had a meal booked in the evening. might pop to one of the friends who lives near us for a couple after but nothing major.

well I have just come downstairs with the 2 year old and he isnt home. I'm not sure where he is. I presume he is okay as he was online 20 minutes ago but hasnt said a word to me.

I'm not sure its okay when you have kids to go AWOL with no word to let your partner know your okay or basically to say where on earth you are?

I cant imagine how he would feel if I did this and he had or child with him, if I stayed out all night and didnt say a word to him. I think he would suspect I'd cheated on him or ask why I didnt atleast send a message saying the night had got out of hand and I'm staying out.

not sure if I should just let it go if/when he eventually rolls through the door or if I should say a message so I knew you weren't lying in a ditch somewhere would be appreciated. pre kids, I think I would still be a bit put out that he had stayed out all night with no word and no real knowledge of where he was but I think now we have a child and one on the way this behaviour is a bit...juvenile.

thoughts? thank you.

OP posts:
Dragon50 · 22/08/2021 08:21

Has he always done this?

I think the DC are irrelevant. Once you live together a text to say whether or not you are coming home is responsible?

Does he do this often since you e had the DC or is it a one off?

Presumably you’ve tried to call message, he’s been online but not responded? Indicates no respect for you in my opinion.

Original poster
Candycotton · 22/08/2021 08:24

so I am not sure really - I know that sounds stupid but we had our first child just before lockdown so things have only just started opening up properly. I hope this doenst become a normal behaviour for him.

we both enjoyed going out before children but not staying out all night. I messaged him last night saying I was off to bed and i hope he had a nice evening. came downstairs this morning and he isnt here. checked my phone but nothing from him.

I've sent one message so far saying are you okay, I'm a bit concerned as I've not heard from you and you're not home. he has been online but not responded.

OP posts:
Candleabra · 22/08/2021 08:30

It's not ok if you don't have children, so definitely not when you have responsibilities and someone else has to pick up the slack at home.

Comtesse · 22/08/2021 08:32

This is not ok. I would even say you are underreacting.

Original poster
Candycotton · 22/08/2021 08:34

I think it's because I have read threads on here where the OP has been given a hard time with comments like we have all had nights that got out of hand etc. so I end up feeling like maybe this is normal for some people and not a big deal!?

he has just replied saying I'm fine will be home soon. that's it - no explanation.

OP posts:
TreeNug · 22/08/2021 08:34

I agree. 100% not ok. I would be very cross at this point tbh.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 22/08/2021 08:34

To be honest this would have really annoyed me even before children. If you have a partner at home, surely you know that they’ll be a little bit concerned if they wake up the next morning and you’ve not come back? It takes absolutely no effort to send a quick message saying ‘I’m gonna stay at xyz tonight, see you in the morning’.

Leaving you at home to pick up the slack with the kids is a separate (but equally annoying) issue.

Bidendoesnthaveaclue · 22/08/2021 08:36

I would be livid. You may be 7 months gone but what if something happened to you or baby and you had to drop everything to go hostipal and you couldn't get hold of him? It's irresponsible.

whiteroseredrose · 22/08/2021 08:38

Definitely not ok.

DH still talks about the time I hit him with a toilet brush (only thing to hand) when he came in after doing that.

In 20 years he has never done it again. So disrespectful.

Original poster
Candycotton · 22/08/2021 08:42

he is saying he fell asleep at his friends house and didnt think to message. yeah I just think he hasnt thought about the worry it caused me for an hour this morning.

he wouldn't be happy at all the other way round.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candycotton · 22/08/2021 08:42

@whiteroseredrose

Definitely not ok.

DH still talks about the time I hit him with a toilet brush (only thing to hand) when he came in after doing that.

In 20 years he has never done it again. So disrespectful.

haha that's cheered me up
OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/08/2021 08:43

Massively not on, OP. Don't underreact when he gets home!

kaleidoscopeheartless · 22/08/2021 08:43

I wouldn't be happy if I had to look after a toddler all day whilst heavily pregnant. If I wasn't pregnant and it was a one off I would let it go. Make sure he does his fair share when he does eventually appear.

OneAugustNight · 22/08/2021 08:43

No not at all ok.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 22/08/2021 08:45

It's not OK, regardless of whether you have kids. All it took was a message to say things had got messy and he was staying at a mate's etc. And if he was doing it lots then it would piss me off, regardless of whether he sent a text etc.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/08/2021 08:45

And make sure you are leaving him with the kids sometimes to have time away. Might help him get fully into parenting mindset?! Hmm

Mindyourbusiness22 · 22/08/2021 08:49

I once fell asleep at my friends house after a very boozy catch up, first thing I did was call my partner, apologise profusely, and get my butt home, and at the time we didn’t have children. I felt awful, as would hate if he had done that to me. It’s just common courtesy.

Original poster
Candycotton · 22/08/2021 08:52

yeah it's the lack of communication that has bothered me more than him actually staying out tbh as I have enough on my plate without worrying if he is alive and well.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 22/08/2021 08:56

Every time you leave the house for the next few weeks you say I’m popping to the shops, might go see a friend after, might be home tonight, might be home tomorrow.
And if he reacts say so it’s only ok for you is it?

RevolvingPivot · 22/08/2021 08:59

@kaleidoscopeheartless

I wouldn't be happy if I had to look after a toddler all day whilst heavily pregnant.

Plenty of women do this?

Dragon50 · 22/08/2021 09:03

Pre DC my DH (20 years) and I regularly went out and stayed out. Esp me.

Admittedly it was usually planned for, but where is wasn’t it was standard to message the other if it looked like a heavy night or couldn’t be bothered to come home. Basic respect.

What was your norm pre-DC and how often did this happen?

While every couple is different but if you aren’t happy with it then there needs to be a compromise at least.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 22/08/2021 09:05

This wouldn’t be ok for either of us in my relationship. Pre-kids staying out was fine but a text was expected. Both would have been upset to be left uninformed for safety reasons. Post-kids staying out has to be prearranged and agreed as you’re assuming the other parent will be solely responsible for the kids. I would hit the roof if dh just stayed out now and wasn’t there when I woke up.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 22/08/2021 09:07

This is wrong when you're llin a relationship becuase it's making someone you know cares about you worry when all you has to fo was not be thoughtless and tell them when you should be back. Then of you aren't going to back you should tell them.

When you have a child together it's the same but worse, because you are opting out of parenting when you had agreed to when youd be back as a couple and as parents but then you've just ignored that and left your partner to do all the parenting at a time you said youd be there to do your share. With you being pregnant it's even worse because you now have the the stress of the worry that anyone would have if their partner just didnt come home after saying they would, the stress of parenting by yourself when you thought youd be sharing the work, and your partner obviosuly doesnt care about what hes putting you through I'd he hasn't even apologised for behaving like a single childless person who lives alone when hes actually got a heavily pregnant partner at home who doesn't know if the father of their children is dead in an alley somewhere.

layladomino · 22/08/2021 09:09

Having children has nothing to do with it. It's really poor behaviour. Really thoughtless.

Even if you accept that he may have had too much to drink and fallen asleep on their couch (which is still quite poor form for an adult) that doesn't explain why he was online for a while this morning before contacting you.

Surely if he fell asleep then the minute he woke up he'd be appalled at himself for leaving you worried and would be on the phone to you, with a huge apology and assurance he's OK and on his way home shortly.

So for me there are 2 issues -

  1. Why didn't he let you know as soon as he was able? Why wasn't his first thought 'oh no, Candycotton will be worried sick, I need to say sorry and explain'? He is either utterly thoughtless or something happened last night and it was more important to deal with that issue first (not trying to worry you there, just trying to think of a good reason why his first thought wasn't reassuring you).
  1. Was this a one-off or is he going to start doing this stopping out all night regularly? (and if he is, decide if you are happy with that, and make sure you also get some nights out when he has the DC the next day, so it's fair at least).
AlmostSummer21 · 22/08/2021 09:11

Not acceptable at all for me, with or without children. Stay on a friends sofa, fine, not letting me know, not fine. Not many adults would fall asleep without any warning and if they did being 'online' and messaging your partner not being the first thing you do - totally unacceptable.

Add in pregnant wife & toddler... just no.