is this acceptable when you have children?

[Candycotton]

hello,

I am 7 months pregnant and have a 2 year old. partner went out with some old friends yesterday. he said it wasnt that kind of night, just a trip to the pub to watch some football and they had a meal booked in the evening. might pop to one of the friends who lives near us for a couple after but nothing major.

well I have just come downstairs with the 2 year old and he isnt home. I'm not sure where he is. I presume he is okay as he was online 20 minutes ago but hasnt said a word to me.

I'm not sure its okay when you have kids to go AWOL with no word to let your partner know your okay or basically to say where on earth you are?

I cant imagine how he would feel if I did this and he had or child with him, if I stayed out all night and didnt say a word to him. I think he would suspect I'd cheated on him or ask why I didnt atleast send a message saying the night had got out of hand and I'm staying out.

not sure if I should just let it go if/when he eventually rolls through the door or if I should say a message so I knew you weren't lying in a ditch somewhere would be appreciated. pre kids, I think I would still be a bit put out that he had stayed out all night with no word and no real knowledge of where he was but I think now we have a child and one on the way this behaviour is a bit...juvenile.

thoughts? thank you.

You should let anyone you live with know if you're not going to be home when you said you would be. I have once not done this when I fell asleep after too many drinks at a friend's but I was very very apologetic.

So I'd say it can happen to anyone but if he's not apologising profusely and realising he did wrong then give him hell.

he thinks its mildly amusing I think. still not back yet, this particular group of friends is part of a crowd we both used to go out with in our early 20s and they are the kind who will have thought it wasnt an issue and will have said things like "ah she will be allright wont she" none of them have kids or responsibilities though so it's easy for them to be in the mindset oh it just got a bit messier than we thought, no harm, no biggie.

one of these friends I actively dislike as he always encourages him to do stupid things and I almost feel like I should have seen this coming. he is quite sexist too, invites DH everywhere and if he refuses or says he is looking after our child says why cant candycotton, as if I have nothing to do other than be wife at home and sadly I think that is the attitude of that group. not making excuses as DH could of easily behaved better than he has off his own back but I know this friend will be involved somewhere along the line which has also added to my uneasy feeling when I came down and saw he wasnt here.

I think your issues are around your unequal relationship and his expectation that you'll provide childcare to facilitate his 'single lifestyle'

If it wouldn't be ok for you to behave like this then why is it ok for him? Because he's sexist, selfish and inconsiderate that's why

@Candycotton

yeah it's the lack of communication that has bothered me more than him actually staying out tbh as I have enough on my plate without worrying if he is alive and well.

Nail in the head here. Either set the expectation before going out that you'll be back the next day or communicate whilst out to let you know. Don't just go AWOL, that's disrespectful and inconsiderate to you.

Hopefully a one off.

His friends are irrelevant as they bear no responsibility to you they also didn’t need to know whether he messaged you or not.

He on the other hand has left his pregnant wife worried about him, and IF this was discussed with his friends as you describe then he is a bastard for knowingly leaving you to worry.

I don’t think either of us have ever forgotten to message, but I know we would panic that the other was unnecessarily worried.

X-post.

You are blaming friends for a grown man’s actions?

He pays more attention to what his friends think than what you do?

If your DH is friends with this group then he shares their attitudes…

Yeah my ex did this (we didn’t have kids) and it absolutely wasn’t ok. (He was cheating, as it happened, but I didn’t find that out till afterwards).

My husband now doesn’t go out particularly often, even pre baby and pre Covid, so when he does he can get a bit excited and end up being much later than he originally planned. But he lets me know, so it’s fine.

Why didn’t he let you know? He can’t claim he had no phone/ battery/ signal if he was online.

I’d be really upset if I were you. I can’t sleep of DH is really late (or, he says he will be home at 11 but doesn’t rock up till 3am). Like you, it’s not the staying out I mind, it’s the lack of communication because my brain goes to really panicky places. I know of DH did this he would message me immediately he realised what he had done. The fact that he’s been online and hasn’t bothered to contact you is really disrespectful. I’d be having a chat when he gets home! You sound super calm, well done for not losing it!

no, not blaming these friends as such but just the fact that I am not particularly surprised at all that this has happened on a night he was with this group. they have always been a bad influence. not taking away from my DH because he should have more sense but this group have been causes of problems before because of the sexist attitude they have, too much to go into on here but it contributed to why I was even more worried/annoyed when I realised he wasnt here.

he has just got in and has apologised. he is saying he passed out in his friends spare room. have said what I said here basically, that its not the fact he slept in his friends spare room but the complete lack of thought to let me know they were his plans.

Could he see your point of view?

What was his response?

And is he going to continue to hang around these ‘bad influence’ friends?