Exclusively together since January, seeing each other since November. Both mid/late 30s. From day one both said we were looking for something serious and wanted marriage ultimately.
We’ve slowly gone from one day/night a week to up to 3 nights a week together. We live far enough apart for one night to be ok but a bit of a trek. But more than that it’s that one night a week just doesn’t progress a relationship into a more serious realm as we both said we wanted.
Anyway… said we love each other. The issue is that most weeks we have a big discussion about which nights we can do. Im pretty much always flexible as I can work from home or his place, which I’ve done plenty of times. He is very difficult (in my view) about committing to 3 nights a week even when I leave it to him to say when is best around his work. This has started to frustrate me as sometimes we only have a night together as things just aren’t organised and I’m left thinking at this age what are we doing spending less than 24 hours together a week if we both want something serious?
I’ve raised it with him directly and he just says work is unpredictable for him and he likes to ensure i stay on nights he is likely to be home at a reasonable time. I’ve explained that I would rather we just saw each other at some point in the week than didn’t, even if that means a late evening together. I’ve also made the point that if we cant be around each other after a long day then it is going to be impossible to progress things as real life is long days at work unless we have an exclusively weekend based relationship.
So here we are again with him being ‘unable’ to commit to a few nights together next week. He’s said he will look at his work timetable and calendar and get back to me. We’ve spoken and text and so far no mention from him of having done this.
When (and if!) he brings up us next spending a night together, I intend to say that I’m happy to do that it I’m staying for a few nights (ie 2 or 3), but if he can’t commit to that then we are essentially dating as opposed to pursuing a developing relationship, in which case he can come to me one evening and we will get dinner and then both go home. I’m getting fed up of driving over for short periods and not feeling like things are developing. If he doesn’t want that and just wants me one night a week then it should be a date and he can start coming to me a bit and going out properly for the evening.
Is this fair of me to do this? Is it a reasonable perspective? I don’t want to be a dick to him but I am getting sick of being patient and carefully explaining to him that me driving over for a night and just relaxing at his is a long way for one evening and isn’t really a big investment for each other nearly a year down the line for two people mid/late 30s. I feel I need to take this action otherwise he will carry on being vague.
If he wants one night a week dates then let’s do that but he can start picking up the driving and we can swap a cosy night in for a formal date?! I don’t think he does any of this maliciously and we often do spend a few nights together but it’s always at my suggestion and always when I’ve explained why it’s a long way to go to him for a night and doesn’t equal a developing relationship…