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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

That moment you want to save your poison ex's new victim

59 replies

Humblpi · 21/08/2021 17:56

Aw.

My ex was a horrific, using manipulator. He stole my youth, left me destitute and discarded me.

He prides himself on his interesting, saintly online presence which doesn't match his real life situation when you live it with him. Thats what lured me in, and he's snared himself another victim. I still have to see the guy due to sharing a child.

Thing is, she seems really nice! She's a LOT like me (puke) and i think if it werent for me needing to keep as muchhhhhhh distance as possible between me and him, we'd be friends.

I soooo want to hold her hand, look deep into her eyes and say 'girl, save yourself!' ...but i know i cant :(

Just needed to get that off my chest! And if you are reading this and have met a silver-tongued 40yr old man who SEEMS to have an interesting outdoorsy adventurous life and makes you feel understood and adored, who APPARENTLY dotes on his darling DD, who has swept you off your feet and wants you to move in with him after meeting 6 times and likely tells you about his crazy, unreasonable ex wife - run! He doesnt own the house and doesnt pay for it, everything is a charade, he'll bleed you dry and crush your soul! x

OP posts:
uqueen · 21/08/2021 18:26

I'm in the same situation now, except I'm friends with the girlfriend he had after me, and his meet another beautiful girl, to destroy

NiceGerbil · 21/08/2021 18:27

Do you have any mutual friends?

Who could pass on the warning?

It would not work coming from you. But I totally understand your desire to stop her being fucked over.

Original poster
Humblpi · 21/08/2021 19:00

No mutual friends sadly - i hope we do end up friends like the pp!!

OP posts:
TerraNovaTwo · 21/08/2021 19:01

I share a similar experience, although we don't share DC.

Unfortunately you would be wise to stay out of it. Don't risk being branded crazy and if they're still in the idealisation phase you likely wouldn't be able to convince his new victim either.

The idealisation phase can last longer in subsequent relationships. It gives onlookers (friends, family, coworkers) and you the ex the illusion that it must have been you that was at fault the entire time and this new person is 'the one'.

However, a narc does not ever change. So their current victim likely does not have a (very good) bullshit detector or is still being expertly hoodwinked by the narc and or is emotionally vulnerable. Eventually the narc will either get bored with their new supply or the supply will do something that grossly disfavours them, beginning the devaluation phase. Rinse and repeat.

I'm sure you know all this, but you cannot be certain if the gf is yet aware that something is off or is at all unhappy. They might be in complete denial if you tried to help.

alwayswrighty · 21/08/2021 19:05

I'm also friends with the other ex. He's now working his way into bankrupting #3 and abusing her in other ways too. Wish #3 and I or ex #2 had mutual friends, but we don't. Sad thing is I'm scared DD will think this is normal.

Original poster
Humblpi · 21/08/2021 19:17

You're right Terra - he is using his online persona to suck her in, he's lovebombing her and thats why he thinks she's moving in after 6 meetings. I was a naive child of 22 when we met, im hoping that at 39 her bullshit detector is better tuned and she'll spot that everything's fake quicker....

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 21/08/2021 19:20

If you don't have mutual friends how do you know, from her or from him? If her then you're pretty close it sounds like?

SkinnyEx · 21/08/2021 19:27

Could you let a mutual friend tell her, or tell her yourself anonymously?

Original poster
Humblpi · 21/08/2021 19:35

This is through him - he's a secretive bastard, likes to think he's cleverer than everyone else and keep things from me so he only told me because he had to, he must be fairly certain she has/will take the bait and move in - she'll be moving from another country Confused. He wanted me and her to meet before she meets our daughter, he is doing Dad of the Year atm to impress her i think. I simply felt i was being manipulated again - so what if i like her or not? Is he going to call off the relationship if i dont Hmm what does it have to do with me? I feel like he's trying to whip me up to do something 'crazy' maybe. So, i'm keeping out of it and won't go out of my way to meet her before DD does. But, i did facebook stalk obviously and she looks lovely, similar interests to me. Thats how he's got her i think, she's fallen for all the things i did. He moved me in very quickly after a whirlwind romance too. Ironically, the lifestyle he enjoys now is at my expense!!

I'd like to kick him in his bizarrely saggy balls Grin

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 21/08/2021 19:35

Sorry I'm confused. They've only met 6 times. How do you know she's nice and what he's doing online etc?

Original poster
Humblpi · 21/08/2021 19:37

Gerbil - he uses this online persona to promote his 'business'. He's a shit kind of influencer i guess. Big online following, makes 3k/yr, cadged the rest off me. His customers dont realise its all lies.

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NiceGerbil · 21/08/2021 19:39

She's moving from overseas? Jesus.

Where? I mean with brexit and covid etc I mean I thought that would be really hard. She's got a job on the list or something? Sorry not sure how it all works. She's taking a massive risk. This whole situation is bizarre.

I don't have any idea what you should do.

torquewench · 21/08/2021 19:42

I received an anonymous letter about someone I met OLD a couple of years ago. I did some asking around. Long story short, it saved me being sucked in by a narcissistic waster. Forever grateful someone took the trouble to warn me. If you think you should, do it. Anonymously if you need to.

Original poster
Humblpi · 21/08/2021 19:42

Oh i should keep out of it, you're right, it IS bizarre, and so is he. I stay as far away as possible except for DD and keep contact minimal and to the point. He can NOT manipulate me any more. He's had other women, but this one just looks so like me i felt a pang to save her! I hope she wakes up before she shits up her life to much.

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Original poster
Humblpi · 21/08/2021 19:43

Ohhh, anonymously, never thought of that.

He's not violent at least, she's not in DANGER so maybe it doesnt warrant it.

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Bananalanacake · 21/08/2021 19:50

Well done on getting out of there. Let's hope she sees sense and doesn't move in with him.

daretodenim · 21/08/2021 19:58

Unless by another country you mean one in the U.K., it won't be that easy for her to move here unless she actually has a job she's got herself. Brexit has made romantic relationships with foreigners in the EU much harder, in the same way it always was with people outside the EU.

So depending on where she's coming from, she may just be visiting. Otherwise he'd have to marry her and even then sponsor her, and that's not cheap, from what I've been told!

Original poster
Humblpi · 21/08/2021 19:59

Thanks banana, it took a lot to break out, and three years to even begin to put the damage right :( i still doubt my decisionmaking due to his gaslighting

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 21/08/2021 20:32

I really don't think you can warn anyone as until you experience a toxic person it's difficult to imagine what they could be like. Even family, friends & counsellors can't relate to the experience as only those who have gone through a narcisstic relationship can.

I believe Ex's ex tried to warn me but it fell on closed ears as I was naive. I judged him for how he was with me which of course was during an extended idealised phase.

I was different to his Ex so it seemed plausible why they were no longer together. What I didn't realise is how much he concealed and omitted. It only became apparent how much of a liar he was once we separated as he lied so much about me/us. Even towards the end I would never have thought he was capable of the extent of lies.

I also know he has tried to provoke me to act "crazy" and I suspect he succeeded with his previous Ex as I witnessed her negative behaviour.

As a "normal" person why would you suspect your new bf to be lying and provoking an Ex?? It's often thought that those who are in toxic relationships do so as a result of their conditioning but I was the opposite, I had such little experience of toxic people that I never assumed people would act like that. His now partner is fully aware he has had multiple marriages that have ended badly but she will think she is different.

I sadly think the new victim will have to tread the same path as you, perhaps she might be fortunate that he let's the mask slip early AND she confides in knowledgeable friends or family.

Original poster
Humblpi · 21/08/2021 20:35

100% correct firefly - it will be interesting to watch play out. I mean, maybe he's a changed man and it'll be fine Wink

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 21/08/2021 22:10

I think you have 2 options.

  1. Get in touch and warn her. Not OTT. But stuff like the financial side. That the image he presents is not true. Sounds like you can prove that. Don't slag him off. Just say you're worried about her taking such a big step. Moving to a different country when she's only met him couple of times. Just to slow it down and make sure. As he loves her he will wait he wouldn't want her to regret it etc.
  1. Just back off. You seem very over invested still. Looking her up on Facebook. Agreeing to meet her after a short time. Knowing what he's saying to her etc. That's not good for you. You're still too interested in him iyswim. Back off. Leave it alone. You need to talk as you have DC obv but keep it minimal. You are all grown ups. I know it's hard to watch him do this... So in the end. Don't watch. If you're not going to do option 1.
Heartofglass12345 · 21/08/2021 22:13

I think an anonymous letter/ email is the way to go. Just warning her to be vigilant if nothing else

Original poster
Humblpi · 21/08/2021 22:26

I havent 'agreed' to meet her Hmm i am bound to see her at child drop off/pick up times. I'm invested, i feel really bad for her. I'm not going to do anything about it, for my own sanity i have to keep a wall between me and him and its not my job to police his life - i wont be saying anything.

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NiceGerbil · 21/08/2021 22:33

Apologies - the situation is really complicated! It was that he wanted you to meet her. Was when I got confused.

She lives overseas and has only met him 6 times. He has asked you to meet her I think.

Where does she live? She's going to uproot her whole life job leave friends etc. After meeting 6 times? I mean she sounds like she's not in the most stable place herself tbh.

My advice stands. Do something. Or back away as much as you can.

Looking her up on Facebook and seeing her hobbies etc. Knowing that he's love bombing her etc.

You're still kind of wrapped up in him.

I'm sorry that's not what you want to hear.

Original poster
Humblpi · 21/08/2021 22:41

I'm backed - i said i wouldnt meet her, and the only involvement i'll have is incidental meetings. The lovebombing is my explanation for why a woman would move in with him so quickly, and because thats how he lured me in. I just had a quick look at her profile, i only know what he's saud to her from what he has told me, which i didnt ask for. Tbh, i think he would relish the opportunity to manipulate me again and i think thats a part of why he tells me things - nothing is for no reason with him iyswim? But, i am aware of it now and perfectly stable in my new life. If it wasnt for DD, we'd have no contact whatsoever, trust me.

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