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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bad online dating experience

26 replies

LilyW32 · 21/08/2021 15:27

I met a man from a dating site and we chatted over text and a few phone calls for about 2 weeks. He was a bit intense from the start, telling me about his childhood and the fact that he was abused by his family and is now NC with them. We had agreed to meet up this weekend but a few days ago, we had a disagreement that escalated very quickly.

It started when he used a word in conversation that is offensive. It’s a slur used against disabled people and as a close member of my family is disabled, I respectfully said I was uncomfortable with it. He isn’t from this country so I thought it was the language barrier. I expected him to just say OK and move on but he took this very personally. He began arguing over text, accusing me of thinking I could tell adults what to say and said I was over sensitive. I stopped talking to him and he texted an hour later telling me I was petty and creating unnecessary drama.

When I explained that I wasn’t sure this would work out because of his reaction, he left me a long voice note. In it, he said I take myself way too seriously, I’m dysfunctional and single for a reason. He then said he could accept the negative traits of my character and that unlike me, he isn’t ruthless and tries to fix people rather than turn his back on them (like me).

Yesterday, he messaged to ask if we could still meet as he still really likes me and feels that this was all a misunderstanding. He wants to put it behind him as he doesn’t think that what he said was that bad. He tried to use his bad childhood as an excuse, saying that he can’t deal with being accused or rejected and that he needs someone who loves and understands him as he is ‘damaged’. He seems to think things will be different if we meet in person.

I’m not going to meet him. This situation ruined my week and I still feel upset about it. I feel like this man completely over reacted and criticised me unfairly. I’ve deleted the dating apps as this experience has put me off meeting men I don’t know. I feel so disappointed, as I was getting on well with him before this and he seemed to be nice. Is this something that happens a lot with OLD because I don’t seem to have good experiences.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 21/08/2021 15:38

Bad experiences? Yeah, online dating is full of them.

I had loads I didn't get as far as a date with. I'd been chatting to one. Physically, no, he wasn't my type but not unattractive and I was attracted to aspects of his personality, character and lifestyle but he messaged one day out of the blue berating me for messing with him and saying, "Women like you aren't interested in men like me..." he was really angry! Well, he was right about that! But it hadn't nothing to do with his looks!

Another went out got a drunk and I got a similar barage from him - I'd been out and hadn't replied quickly enough. He was unleashing hos wrath towards all woken amd directing it at me
He tried apologising the following day and asked if we could still meet. Er... I think I replied with something along the lines of when people show me who they are I believe them the first time and blocked him.

Quite a few men blocked me because I'd been online but not messaged them. I had a message from one at midnight and, when I replied in the morning, he told me it was too late and I couldn't mess people around like that and then he blocked me too.

Honestly, online dating is full of the truly undateable!

Amdone123 · 21/08/2021 15:44

I'm sorry you experienced this op (and pp) and I'm not surprised it upset you. It sounds awful. I've never been OLD, but I read the threads on here and quite frankly, if I were to find myself single tomorrow, I would not even consider it.
It seems like there are lots of success stories, too, but on the whole, I definitely hear more bad than good.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 21/08/2021 15:49

What you did was brilliant! You set a boundary before you even met - which he didn't like - and you got to see the real him.

Thank goodness you didn't have to wait until later, after meeting up, to learn this.

VioletVesper · 21/08/2021 15:49

You are absolutely doing the right thing but meeting him and his behaviour is no reflection on you whatsoever. I know you are upset at the moment but I think it was lucky he revealed his true colours prior to you actually meeting up and potentially becoming involved. Try not to let him ruin the rest of your week!

DismantledKing · 21/08/2021 15:50

Online dating, like most of life, is strewn with nutters and unpleasant people. You’ve done nothing wrong.

DismantledKing · 21/08/2021 15:52

But saying that, I met my spouse through OLD. It can be dispiriting, but there’s decent people there too.

PumpkinKlNG · 21/08/2021 19:09

Tbh I wouldn’t have met him from the time he told you he was abused growing up, it’s a bit heavy for a first date conversation and a bit of a red flag to me (as in it’s not usual to tell strangers this type of thing)

SquirryTheSquirrel · 21/08/2021 19:12

If there's this much drama after two weeks, think what he'd be like in a relationship.

I'd say 'lucky escape' - but it's good judgement on your part, not luck. Well done.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/08/2021 19:23

@PumpkinKlNG

I agree with this - it suggests massive issues with boundaries and little understanding of protecting himself emotionally.

It doesn't sound like he is ready for dating as he is still clearly reeling from his childhood.

It's not a good idea to give such personal information early on. It can leave you vulnerable to manipulation and at that early stage he had no idea if you would turn out to be abusive.

There are a lot of idiots on OLD just like there are offline. You need a thick skin as well as excellent boundaries (which you clearly have). Well done for calling him out on his offensive language and for his ridiculous reaction.

firstimemamma · 21/08/2021 19:56

I had a terrible online date and then the one after that turned out to be lovely and I am now married to him. We have a little boy and another baby on the way. Don't give up and I'm sorry you had a rough time

Original poster

LilyW32 · 21/08/2021 20:22

You have all made me feel a lot better so thank you I hate feeling that I’ve upset someone and always try to end things amicably because I don’t like confrontation. I did feel sorry for him because of his childhood. He’s clearly someone who has emotional issues and he struggles with rejection.

However, he messaged me this evening asking if we should stop texting. I said yes because I wasn’t comfortable after what happened and I got several nasty messages back. Saying that I was not normal, my reaction was extreme and how could I ever have a relationship if I overreacted to such small things

I blocked him on WhatsApp and got a text on iMessage straight after telling me he was right, I’m not normal and I was unreasonable for blocking him. So I blocked him on there too.

Definitely a lucky escape. Better to find out now than later on. It’s scary how quickly someone’s true colours can come out.

OP posts:

GratitudeGoddess · 21/08/2021 20:27

Your experience sounds really similar to someone I met online. I blocked him and have no regrets.

Allypallya · 21/08/2021 20:28

I met my dp of 18 months online. Honesty there are good ones out there but you need to be ruthless. Block him and move on

Pinkbonbon · 21/08/2021 20:38

Loads of those looneys about unfortunately. I had a guy tell me in he course of convo the other days that he 'only had one major breakdown' and 'would never hit a woman'.

The thing is though that at least you can spot these nutters over message first before meeting then in person. As opposed to if you had just met them in a bar or something.

Cosmos123 · 21/08/2021 20:39

Block him.
Try to erase from memory.
Normal person will come along sooner or later.

You don't need this drama.

ohthatbloodycat · 21/08/2021 20:54

The guy is a complete screw up. I'm sorry you had to bear the brunt of his inadequacy though

TerraNovaTwo · 21/08/2021 21:24

I hope he doesn't know any of your personal details like where you live and work? He sounds unhinged - a stalker. I've had similar experiences and had to call the police once.

I no longer date and like to think my boundaries are now solid af. Blocking is absolutely the way to go to retain a peaceful life.

PumpkinKlNG · 21/08/2021 21:39

Why would you tell people online you’ve never met where you live and work, surely no one does that 😕

Geppili · 22/08/2021 11:06

You have dodged a bullet! Block. Never give out your personal details to strangers online again.

Sparkybloke · 22/08/2021 11:33

@Geppili put it perfectly....you dodged bullet there....OLD is full of odd balls but there are lovely people too. Me and dp met through OLD...it can work...just be wary about giving personal info in messages. I'd advise meeting in person sooner than later. If they avoid meeting then move on..meet in a very public place....that way you can see what they are really like....garden centre cafes are good...

FreeBritnee · 22/08/2021 11:35

Well he’s starting to sound unhinged isn’t he? I assume he can’t track down your address somehow?

Chocaholic9 · 22/08/2021 11:58

Wow, what a nut job. Good on you for cutting him off.

Original poster

LilyW32 · 22/08/2021 13:58

I was vague with what I told him about myself. The only details he knows about me are my phone number and the town where I live (quite a big town so no way he could find me.) I didn’t even tell him my last name so it’s unlikely he could find out where I live or work.

Meeting in a public place is definitely a good idea and I always do this. He wanted to go for a walk if we met and ignored my suggestions of going to a cafe or pub. I’m glad I trusted my instincts and blocked him.

OP posts:

Amdone123 · 22/08/2021 15:03

@LilyW32, great instincts and I love how you trusted your gut and set out your boundaries. Well done.

SafeMove · 22/08/2021 15:14

Oh I have had so many bad experiences via OLD messaging. One guy asked me to pee on him, another tried to recruit me as a third person in his marriage, I had a lot of men who were very angry because I put in my bio that I would never date anybody who voted for the Conservatives. My choice, I know our values would never align, but so many men thought it was acceptable to message me abuse that I would reject someone based on politics. A fair few people who I went on one or two dates with but decided they weren't for me messaged me incessantly.

I met my DP on Tinder so it's not all bad but seriously, OLD only confirmed my quite dismal view of men tbh.

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