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Original poster

I think my ILs have been possessed!

27 replies

Spinxsta · 21/08/2021 11:18

DH has had a tricky relationship with his parents from an early age. Nothing overtly abusive. They're not "emotional types" so he feels he didn't receive much support or affection throughout his life. They're fairly controlling and wanted their children to follow the same lifestyle and hold the same values at them. They've said some quite nasty things, offered lots of criticism, and openly criticise their children's spouses & ways we/they raise our/their children. They're openly annoyed that their children all moved out of area and got white-collar-middle-class type jobs... that sort of thing.

There was a huge breakdown in their relationship after we had our 1st child and they weren't happy about our surname choice! Things have muddled on in a strained fashion. They became openly hostile to me and I stopped seeing them or engaging with them.

In recent months, DH has felt increasing sadness that he doesn't have an emotional connection to his family. So, this week, after lots of discussions, soul searching, and reflection, he called them and explained how he was feeling and how he wanted to move forward.

His parents apologised! Said they regretted the lack of cuddles as children and how their relationships with them have developed. Apologised for creating drama at our child's name and other things they'd said. Told him they were proud of him, love him unconditionally, etc... they made all the right noises!

So, is this the start of a happy ending or have the body snatchers been in? It's brilliant they've said the right things. DH feels much better (just from the feeling that he's now not afraid to have an open discussion with them). I'm vaguely skeptical but keeping my skepticism to myself.

What are people's opinions? Do people who've had a lifetime of emotional detachment suddenly change in older age?

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 21/08/2021 11:20

Maybe they’ve felt really sad about what’s happened too - and we’re delighted to receive an unexpected olive branch (and so snatched at it?). Hope things work out for you all.

isittimetogotobed · 21/08/2021 11:21

I think trust being a parent is such a hard job... you are at the beginning of this journey, you might have more compassion when you have got thorough the teenage years with your own children

Celticdawn5 · 21/08/2021 11:26

They might lose the energy they had when they were younger for a fight but fundamentally they don’t change
And as far as my parents go, It’s too little, too late and the damage is done.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2021 11:27

I would also maintain a degree of scepticism here because in my experience such people do not have an epiphany. They may be telling him simply what he wants to hear. And why now too after all these years; what do they want from him?. Trust also needs to be earned.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 21/08/2021 11:31

My df was hands off. When u had dc he tentatively became a good dgf.. Until his dw stepped in and out paid to that.
Good luck op but ime be a bit skeptical!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2021 11:37

"In recent months, DH has felt increasing sadness that he doesn't have an emotional connection to his family. So, this week, after lots of discussions, soul searching, and reflection, he called them and explained how he was feeling and how he wanted to move forward".

He would have been far better off seeing a BACP registered therapist to deal with his fear, obligation and guilt and reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. None of the abuses he and in turn his family unit in you people have suffered, was his fault in any way. This was and remains all on them.

I would also show him the Out of the FOG website as this could be useful to him too.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/08/2021 11:40

I would accept it and move forward tentatively. So, no suddenly going for a weeks visit but arrange to meet up for a coffee or relaxing day out like a visit to a nice garden. Something that gives you something to talk about without pressure. Baby steps and assume neither party is going to get it right without a few setbacks.

Original poster
Spinxsta · 21/08/2021 12:20

@WimpoleHat

Maybe they’ve felt really sad about what’s happened too - and we’re delighted to receive an unexpected olive branch (and so snatched at it?). Hope things work out for you all.
I'm skeptical that they're delighted to have a way back in, so to speak. Rather than an olive branch... but that's my cynical mind after 20 years with DH and knowing their dynamic.
OP posts:
Original poster
Spinxsta · 21/08/2021 12:25

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"In recent months, DH has felt increasing sadness that he doesn't have an emotional connection to his family. So, this week, after lots of discussions, soul searching, and reflection, he called them and explained how he was feeling and how he wanted to move forward".

He would have been far better off seeing a BACP registered therapist to deal with his fear, obligation and guilt and reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. None of the abuses he and in turn his family unit in you people have suffered, was his fault in any way. This was and remains all on them.

I would also show him the Out of the FOG website as this could be useful to him too.

We've discussed the FOG and he believes that he's moved out of this! Which is partly the reason why he has now been more open and honest with them. He wasn't scared of upsetting them by discussing these things. He does need to speak with a professional though. There's still many things he needs to work through and discuss with someone who's far more objective than me! It does a bit like he's so happy to have made this leap forward the blinkers will be on.
OP posts:
Original poster
Spinxsta · 21/08/2021 12:31

@Disfordarkchocolate

I would accept it and move forward tentatively. So, no suddenly going for a weeks visit but arrange to meet up for a coffee or relaxing day out like a visit to a nice garden. Something that gives you something to talk about without pressure. Baby steps and assume neither party is going to get it right without a few setbacks.
They live hundreds of miles away. The last few times he's met up with them has been for day trips but this hasn't resolved this underlying angst (obviously lockdown hasn't helped). He felt he needed to discuss the issues to be able to build a relationship. However, we've decided they won't be staying with us if they want to visit. We've also said we won't have them sitting around our house all day and we'll arrange to see them for ab hour or two for lunch, a walk, or an activity. It's not just building a relationship with DH, they need to improve their behaviour towards me too!
OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 21/08/2021 12:43

It is quite possible that they've changed. It's been a long couple of years for people, and they may have confronted themselves and realised they don't live up to who they want to be or thought they were.

I don't think it's wrong to be a little skeptical. But your DH has nothing to lose by trying to build a better relationship with them. Take it super slowly and make your boundaries very clear. Just be clear on what's important to him, what's a dealbreaker and so on. If they are genuine, they'll be happy to do things at his pace and make the necessary effort to reconnect with you also. If they are being manipulative for some ulterior reason of their own, it will hurt a lot, but at least it will be clear.

So, proceed with caution?

AtticusHoysAnus · 21/08/2021 13:04

Time will tell won't it.

Holly60 · 21/08/2021 13:25

I think other posters have covered it here. Obviously you have your DH’s best interests at heart so I think support him to take it slow and build the trust slowly. If they really have changed it will be obvious as time goes on. Meet for things like lunch, afternoons out, have telephone calls. As the trust builds so the relationship will. If they haven’t really changed, that will become obvious too, at which point you will need to be there to support DH through that.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/08/2021 13:30

I can't imagine they will have changed. People don't change that drastically.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 21/08/2021 13:32

Is your child F M-B? If not, you're not the only Mumsnetter with ILs who object to the baby's surname!

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/08/2021 13:37

I would see how they manage with DH first before I got too involved. Maybe focus on supporting him for a bit. You and the children only after they've proved are worth the effort?

Original poster
Spinxsta · 21/08/2021 14:08

@Outfoxedbyrabbits

Is your child F M-B? If not, you're not the only Mumsnetter with ILs who object to the baby's surname!
Do you remember Fluffy? It's almost 6 years since that drama!

Apparently they've accepted his name and apologised to DH for the drama they caused. If I'm honest, it bugs me that they even said they accept it, it's not up to them to accept his name... but that just my bad attitude and I'll get over it!

OP posts:
DifferentHair · 21/08/2021 14:13

How you do you feel about him wanting a closer relationship with people who have been 'openly hostile' to you for having the audacity to name your own child without deference to them?

Has it put any pressure on your relationship?

Original poster
Spinxsta · 21/08/2021 14:13

@beastlyslumber

It is quite possible that they've changed. It's been a long couple of years for people, and they may have confronted themselves and realised they don't live up to who they want to be or thought they were.

I don't think it's wrong to be a little skeptical. But your DH has nothing to lose by trying to build a better relationship with them. Take it super slowly and make your boundaries very clear. Just be clear on what's important to him, what's a dealbreaker and so on. If they are genuine, they'll be happy to do things at his pace and make the necessary effort to reconnect with you also. If they are being manipulative for some ulterior reason of their own, it will hurt a lot, but at least it will be clear.

So, proceed with caution?

Yes, proceed with caution. I'm also going to keep encouraging him to find a counsellor so he's better equipped to deal with any crap without falling back into a FOG.

It does concern me that if this isn't a genuine epiphany on their part it'll break DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinxsta · 21/08/2021 14:15

@Holly60

I think other posters have covered it here. Obviously you have your DH’s best interests at heart so I think support him to take it slow and build the trust slowly. If they really have changed it will be obvious as time goes on. Meet for things like lunch, afternoons out, have telephone calls. As the trust builds so the relationship will. If they haven’t really changed, that will become obvious too, at which point you will need to be there to support DH through that.
If they haven't changed it will really knock DH. He really needs to speak to someone professionally.
OP posts:
Original poster
Spinxsta · 21/08/2021 14:25

@DifferentHair

How you do you feel about him wanting a closer relationship with people who have been 'openly hostile' to you for having the audacity to name your own child without deference to them?

Has it put any pressure on your relationship?

They're his parents and it's what he wants. It's put a massive strain on our relationship in the past. He's been so wrapped up in the FOG and trying to please them that he didn't notice or turned a blind eye to their behaviour that was directed at me. There was an occasion when he minimised an incident and it wasn't until I told my parents and best friend about it I realised I was right to be pissed off. We had quite a serious chat after that. He's assured me that he won't tolerate any hostility towards me... but we'll see how much he wants to risk their approval or rock that boat!

It's a weird one. I'd happily never see them ever again but I learnt quite early on that you don't have to put up with people's crap, even if they're family.

DH said he wanted a relationship with his parents like we have with mine... we chatted lots about how they're not my parents and that relationship might not be achievable. He'll have to work out the best relationship for him and his parents based on them and no one else. But anyway, I've gone off on a tangent.

OP posts:
DifferentHair · 21/08/2021 14:26

Maybe I'm cynical but I don't believe that people who have been that selfish and stupid can suddenly improve dramatically. People generally stay as they are.

Have the ILs had therapy or some kind of epiphany that they've shared? On what basis are you meant to believe they've changed?

I'd be feeling trepidation as well. I hope for your DH's sake that I'm right.

We are NC with my in laws and one of my worst fears at this point is that they will make noises about having 'changed' and wanting another chance. DH, who obviously loves them, would desperately want to believe it's true and would be hurt all over again when he finds out it's not.

We have a peaceful happy life without them, and I'm still emotionally exhausted from the last time I had to pick DH up off the floor mentally thanks to them.

DifferentHair · 21/08/2021 14:30

I don't think your DH's expectations are realistic and that would really concern me.

There is no equivalence between your (presumably relative healthy) family and his toxic one. It's not realistic to think the relationship could or should resemble the one you have with your parents.

I agree with PPs, will your DH go to therapy for support? He needs a reality check and some personal boundaries before he dives back into a relationship with his parents.

Original poster
Spinxsta · 21/08/2021 15:41

@DifferentHair

Maybe I'm cynical but I don't believe that people who have been that selfish and stupid can suddenly improve dramatically. People generally stay as they are.

Have the ILs had therapy or some kind of epiphany that they've shared? On what basis are you meant to believe they've changed?

I'd be feeling trepidation as well. I hope for your DH's sake that I'm right.

We are NC with my in laws and one of my worst fears at this point is that they will make noises about having 'changed' and wanting another chance. DH, who obviously loves them, would desperately want to believe it's true and would be hurt all over again when he finds out it's not.

We have a peaceful happy life without them, and I'm still emotionally exhausted from the last time I had to pick DH up off the floor mentally thanks to them.

Based on them apologising, which they've never done before! I'm as cynical as you (privately) and feel exactly the same regarding having to pick up DH again.
OP posts:
Original poster
Spinxsta · 21/08/2021 15:46

@DifferentHair

I don't think your DH's expectations are realistic and that would really concern me.

There is no equivalence between your (presumably relative healthy) family and his toxic one. It's not realistic to think the relationship could or should resemble the one you have with your parents.

I agree with PPs, will your DH go to therapy for support? He needs a reality check and some personal boundaries before he dives back into a relationship with his parents.

We discussed that comparisons with my parents is unrealistic and unhealthy.

I told him he needs to find a counsellor before he meets them and I will "nag" him about this. He needs to talk to someone out of this situation.

OP posts: