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Original poster

MIL's expectations about granny flat

40 replies

RhinestoneCowgirl · 20/08/2021 18:44

I posted this earlier in Elderly Parents but I thought Relationships might have more traffic...

DH and I have recently returned from a visit to MIL's home city, we live 200 miles away and stayed with DH's younger brother and wife as MIL is still not happy with having people to stay in her house (covid related). It has come to light that MIL wants BIL and SIL, who moved into their first home about two years ago, to build a granny annexe in their front garden for her, she would sell her current house to pay for it.

As a background MIL is in her early 70s and in generally good health, she had cancer 15+ years ago but is fully in remission. Pre-pandemic she was full-time carer for her own mum who lived next door, but now other family members have taken this on and she isn't involved in her mum's care at all at the moment. MIL has been extremely anxious about covid and I think her MH has been poor. She can be quite a challenging character and has just one close friend who lives locally. She divorced from FIL nearly 25 years ago.

While we were visiting I had a long chat one evening with SIL, who I get on very well with (and she and BIL are fab with our children). SIL is very unhappy about the prospect of this proposed granny flat project, but says that BIL feels that he owes this to his mum and can't say no. I think it is causing some strain in their relationship. DH seems to be sticking his head in the sand about it, and has made non-committal noises when the subject was raised.

My own parents are a similar age and have no expectations of me providing care for them - we have had some roundabout discussions. I realise it's different for MIL as she's on her own, but I wondered how reasonable it is for her to have these expectations?

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 20/08/2021 18:46

I think it’s totally unreasonable to do this is any of the parties involved aren’t fully on board with it. It’s highly likely to destroy their marriage.

category12 · 20/08/2021 18:53

Well, MIL can suggest whatever she likes, it's up to BIL & SIL to agree or refuse. She may feel it would be a mutually beneficial arrangement - perhaps adding value to their house and if she doesn't currently need care, maybe she thinks she'd be able to help them out with childcare or something?

SIL needs to buckle up and tell her husband she isn't having any of it, if that's the way she feels.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2021 18:56

Your SIL needs to put her foot down, and I hope you and your husband will support her. Your BIL is being very dismissive.

Original poster
RhinestoneCowgirl · 20/08/2021 18:59

They not a family known for talking about things, and there's a fair bit of Catholic guilt going on too. I am encouraging DH to speak to his brother to back him up and spend more time visiting MIL this autumn. Up to now I think he's rather left BIL to deal with MIL as we visit infrequently and that seems totally unfair.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 20/08/2021 19:17

My mum did this for my grandma. I can’t stress enough how much your SIL should stick to her guns. It all seems fine when mother is in her 70s. But she will get older and it will get a whole lot harder.

adeleh · 20/08/2021 19:25

My mother used to suggest this sort of thing all the time. Everyone just ignored it when she did. She was constantly looking to convert outhouses, garages, etc. But none of us could have coped with her. She ended up in a challenging behaviour unit, I’m afraid.

PopcornMuncher · 21/08/2021 00:39

Let me guess. BIL will agree to it and SIL will get landed with all the work Hmm

BettyAndFrank · 21/08/2021 00:41

SIL needs to express a big Fuck That!

ineedaholidaynow · 21/08/2021 00:48

Your DH needs a word with his brother. Your SIL also needs to make is abundantly clear she won’t be helping with the caring/entertaining MIL. If BIL wants MIL to move in he needs to be the one supporting her.

If MIL pays for the annexe and it is a separate building, I assume there may be issues if she ever needed to go into a home and she had an asset that could fund that.

Lou98 · 21/08/2021 00:53

I don't think your MIL is being unreasonable to suggest it, it is perhaps coming from a place of loneliness.
If they said no and she didn't accept that - then she would be U but as it doesn't sound like they've said no, I don't think it's her that's in the wrong.

However, your SIL is also not unreasonable to say no. It sounds like the issue is between your SIL and BIL rather than an issue with the MIL.
Your SIL needs to put her foot down with BIL if it's really not something she wants and he needs to respect that and say no to his mum

B1rdflyinghigh · 21/08/2021 01:05

NHS professional who has seen families take on an ailing elderly family member and they've lived to regret it.
Never do this

Chloemol · 21/08/2021 01:10

Well mil may just find the local authority won’t allow a annexe to be built in a front garden. Unless is a conversion of an existing building

Maybe sil should contact the planning authority and ask the question

In the meantime dh needs to support his brother in saying no to the idea

She can move into warden controlled or elderly housing

endofthelinefinally · 21/08/2021 01:33

This is such a bad idea. Very expensive, even if planning permission were granted. Two lots of council tax, all the disruption.
MIL needs to sell up and move into good quality supported living with a warden on site.
Believe me, being on call 24/ 7 and trying to work and look after dc is not easy. I know because I have done it.

Driftingblue · 21/08/2021 01:41

BIL thinks the plan because in the back of his mind he knows that he gets to be the hero simply by agreeing, while the expectation for care will actually fall to his wife. He might not even realize that he is thinking in these terms because the societal messaging is so strong.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2021 01:45

@PopcornMuncher

Let me guess. BIL will agree to it and SIL will get landed with all the work Hmm
Ding ding ding we have a winner.

I'd have SIL's back on this one.

SpidersAreShitheads · 21/08/2021 02:43

Funnily enough, we're just starting out on the process of selling our house, my mum selling her house - the plan is to buy a house and build a granny flat in the garden for her.

We have very specific requirements about space and personal boundaries. I can't actually manage my mum in huge doses but given the separation between the main house and her annexe, I think - hope! - it will work out OK. We have had very frank conversations about what we both need.

I think granny flats are do-able - but you have to be prepared to have difficult and blunt conversations, and everyone has to be totally on board. You also need to be very clear about what your boundaries are and communicate those before you take any action. And if there is any question that boundaries won't be respected, then it's a no-go.

alexdgr8 · 21/08/2021 02:53

@PopcornMuncher

Let me guess. BIL will agree to it and SIL will get landed with all the work Hmm
yes. this is the problem. it might work if all the work was fairly shared, and with professional careworkers too if/when needed, and no quibbling over cost. but in reality it is nearly always a woman who is left doing everything. then there'll be the excuse, oh well she' a woman, and you're a woman...
mayblossominapril · 21/08/2021 03:05

I wouldn’t go for supported living flats. Look at what support is available locally and maybe move to a bungalow
Could it be phrased that SIL & BIL are going to move at some point and a granny annexe isnt a good idea because of it. But there are these bungalows
If she’s physically fine and has just been set back by the lockdowns every family member needs to be involved in getting her used to going out and socialising hopefully she will be fine for another 10 years or more

tiredmama2020 · 21/08/2021 05:39

Your SIL absolutely needs to stick to her guns on this one!

DH and I are planning on moving house next year (just had our first DC so want something more family friendly) and it had been mentioned to his mum in casual conversation. Saw her a few weeks later and she’d had an estate agent round to value her house and gave me this big speech about how she was selling up and we would all buy together so that we can get a fantastic big family house and she’ll be able to help raise our DC 🙄😳 absolutely NOT happening. I 100% shot it down straight away and continue to do so everytime it’s mentioned. She’s horrifically needy and plays the “but I can’t manage it by myself” card for EVERYTHING 😬 phones DH if a radiator needs bled/lightbulb needs changed/ a bit of paint needs touched up etc. She’s a very fit and healthy 60 😳 I can only imagine by the time she gets to her 80s!

timeisnotaline · 21/08/2021 06:10

Your dh needs to tell Bil that if he makes this kind of decision on his own then it would be reasonable for sil to move out, in whcih case they might have to sell the house anyway. He should ask him seriously how he sees it working- will bil do all care? Will sil be expected to clean the granny flat as mil becomes more frail? Who is at home to provide care? Will mil spend most of her time in the main house and if so who is at home spending time with her whether they wanted to or not? To what extent is he landing his wife with an extra, rather unappealing job that will take up nearly all of her relaxing at home time,at least in a fe years? Why wouldn’t she leave if this is the case? She will assume quite reasonably you don’t love her if you are treating her like this so that’s not a reason for her to stay.

Standrewsschool · 21/08/2021 06:44

Unfortunately planning permission wouldn’t be allowed...

My gran moved into a retirement complex with a warden on site - not a nursing home as you lived independently.

Mcartney and stone homes

Dashel · 21/08/2021 07:07

I wouldn’t want this, but there are a few things that would help stop it and planning permission is a lot stricter in a front garden than a back garden and you could probably find out quite easily that it would be a flat no.

If SIL and BiL weren’t sure if they were staying in the area it also might encourage MIL to think about other ideas

And yes to all the family stepping up and helping her get her confidence back and helping her to buy a more suitable property and getting it how she wants it. I would also encourage getting her to join seniors clubs, pre covid my MiL was a member of many including exercise groups which made a massive difference to what she could do

Tulips15 · 21/08/2021 07:18

@B1rdflyinghigh

NHS professional who has seen families take on an ailing elderly family member and they've lived to regret it. Never do this
I work within the care sector and Agree with this. Your SIL really needs to put foot down
TillyTopper · 21/08/2021 07:26

From the situation I am in at the moment I think you SIL and BIL should really think really carefully and if they have any doubts they should say no. DMum came to live with us a few months ago after DDad died, but it's very hard - she has quickly become much less mobile, she has been very poorly with recurring illnesses, she takes every bit of help and relies on us and does nothing for herself (including all meals needing to be prepared, all her personal finance management, shopping, everything). Actually I am not able to cope and DMum is about to go into a care home. I would say for her own health and wellbeing your MIL should stay as independent as she can for as long as possible. I also wouldn't let her build an annexe because once that money is spent she is stuck there - unless she has lots of money. If she builds the annexe and then wants to go elsewhere she may be stuck and they may be stuck with her. A swift "No, we don't want an annexe, we may move anyway, what other options have you thought of" now will save a ton of hassle later.

Apeirogon · 21/08/2021 07:30

I think BIL is awful for considering this against the wishes of his wife. I would be furious if DH did this without my agreement. As would he if it was the other way around.

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