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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband never takes me out or plans anything

32 replies

SickOfCrap · 20/08/2021 17:08

How do you guys deal with a husband that loves you and do everything for you EXCEPT for acknowledging that you need romance!!!
I never, literally NEVER get taken out for dinner unless I ask for it or plan it.
If we're going to travel, it's gotta be a cheap place. I have never been surprised on my birthdays with anything except for what I asked for...

This gets me really frustrated...

OP posts:
MrsCatE · 20/08/2021 17:11

Eh? Is this a reverse ?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 20/08/2021 17:13

Ok. When was the last time you took him out and what did you do?

Original poster
SickOfCrap · 20/08/2021 17:26

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Ok. When was the last time you took him out and what did you do?
On his birthday, less than two weeks ago. I took him for dinner and paid for everything.
OP posts:
Original poster
SickOfCrap · 20/08/2021 17:26

Sorry, what do you mean?

OP posts:
PasstheBucket89 · 20/08/2021 17:30

Its a tricky one is it, id feel a bit upset about somewhere having to be cheap, does he actually say that?

what's your financial situation, in terms of being able to do stuff?

trevthecat · 20/08/2021 17:32

Have you said this to him? If not he probably needs it spelling out!

Bookaholic73 · 20/08/2021 17:32

My DH is like this, and I feel totally unappreciated.

If I want him to plan something, I literally have to spell it out for him.

category12 · 20/08/2021 17:32

Have you directly told him you would like him to do these things?

Original poster
SickOfCrap · 20/08/2021 17:33

@PasstheBucket89

Its a tricky one is it, id feel a bit upset about somewhere having to be cheap, does he actually say that?

what's your financial situation, in terms of being able to do stuff?

We're not rich nor poor. I see couples that make way less money than us doing everything, traveling, going on dinners, etc.

Yes, it has to be cheap!
I would never be taken out to a fancy restaurant. He's just cheap!

OP posts:
Original poster
SickOfCrap · 20/08/2021 17:34

@trevthecat

Have you said this to him? If not he probably needs it spelling out!
I have, a million times, but he doesn't agree with it and won't change. These discussions usually turn into an argument and it dies out after some fights and a couple of days.. I'm beyond frustrated.
OP posts:
Original poster
SickOfCrap · 20/08/2021 17:35

@Bookaholic73

My DH is like this, and I feel totally unappreciated.

If I want him to plan something, I literally have to spell it out for him.

I feel you! Story of my life! Literally doing everything for everyone and always taken for granted.
OP posts:
category12 · 20/08/2021 17:36

What's to argue about though? You would like him to arrange romantic dates and getaways occasionally - how does that turn into a fight?

Original poster
SickOfCrap · 20/08/2021 17:38

@category12

What's to argue about though? You would like him to arrange romantic dates and getaways occasionally - how does that turn into a fight?
Because he thinks I'm exaggerating and making drama. He doesn't acknowledge that this is a big deal for me... Also, after a while and not seeing any changes, you start getting frustrated and angry, like: How is it possible that he won't see my side?
OP posts:
category12 · 20/08/2021 18:12

Literally doing everything for everyone and always taken for granted

Perhaps you need to address this problem rather than making it about romantic gestures/dates? Because really, if you are doing everything for everyone else all the time with no appreciation, is a nice meal out or a weekend away really going to compensate?

Maybe you need to do less people-pleasing and more boundary setting.

category12 · 20/08/2021 18:24

Although in your op, you say he's a husband that loves you and do everything for you so it's hard to reconcile that with you literally doing everything for everyone and always taken for granted. Confused

QueenHofScotland · 20/08/2021 18:28

My husband is the same. It’s just the way he is and I’ve come to accept this. He loves me, is a great husband and dad.

He isn’t particularly spontaneous, he does like to eat out but wouldn’t really surprise me with booking a meal. It would be planned. Presents have gone so wrong in the past that he prefers to know what I want now.

At one point it bothered me a bit. I feel I’m easy to buy for. But he doesn’t. And he isn’t a big spender. He’s not a cheap skate but isn’t frivolous (we have a good balance!). If we went somewhere nice though he wouldn’t have any issues with splurging a bit and certainly wouldn’t ever stop me from spending.

We have a joint account so I can’t really treat him either!

QueenHofScotland · 20/08/2021 18:30

Context - one Xmas he bought me a clip for the toothpaste to ensure that toothpaste didn’t gather at the bottom of the tube. He thought I would like it because I get a little annoyed when I have to squeeze out the last of then toothpaste. It was a children’s item. He also bought me a dog to hold my rings because I am always taking them off and sitting them down in random places.

Neither was appreciated despite him being really excited about me opening them 😂

PennyWus · 20/08/2021 18:42

I would share your frustration if you have tried talking to him reasonably and he has turned it into an argument. But a lot of people hate spending money unnecessarily, and think why pay top dollar for a 5 experience when you can pay less than half the price and have a decent 3 or 4 experience.

Have you tried saying, "as my present for Christmas I'd love to go to X restaurant with you, but if you don't want to go, then I will go with a friend." Or whatever. Maybe he really doesnt enjoy fancy places to eat where the wine list costs more than half your weekly grocery shop.

Cheap restaurants can be nice too. And define cheap, are we talking Nando's?

Travelling can also be cheap..are you saying you never take holidays together unless you plan it entirely?

What kind of presents does he buy? Do you spend a lot on yourself (hair at a salon, nails, cosmetics, new clothes or shoes, nice car, gym...)? Maybe he is just worried about total overall spend.

I would definitely be asking him for a compromise - so that sometimes he pushes the boat out, but then other times he finds the bargain-basement option.

bubblebath62636 · 20/08/2021 18:45

Sounds miserable I'd leave op.

frozendaisy · 20/08/2021 18:48

Mine doesn't do any of this, he never has really.

He will suggest things but knows I am better at details, he pays for things he suggests and things I organise, he will let me book, plan whatever I want for us and kids and is happy with whatever we choose. He will get involved with planning and choices.

But he NEVER did this. He didn't do it with his mates before me.

Saying this he is devoted, kind, hot, funny, generous, great dad, loves his family, home, life. I can talk to him about anything and everything. He will drop things to look after us. The fact he doesn't organise a weekend away is irrelevant to me. But as I said he never did I knew what I was signing up to.

He is romantic in a way but neither of us do mush as such. Daily he shows he loves me and the kids. This to me is so much more.

I married who he was, he hasn't changed. I wouldn't want him to.

Flyinggeese1 · 20/08/2021 18:50

OP when you say in your first post that he does everything for you, except romance, do you mean he does little, more everyday things to show he cares rather than what you might see as romantic (dinners, outings etc).

Is he loving and caring in other ways?

Flyinggeese1 · 20/08/2021 18:51

Mine was a slight cross post with frozendaisy. This is the kind of thing I meant.

girlmom21 · 20/08/2021 19:02

Has he ever been romantic?

StormTreader · 20/08/2021 19:58

You need to really scale back what you do for his birthday, xmas etc. Either he will get annoyed which will make your point for you, or you save yourself the upset of not seeing all your effort returned.

frozendaisy · 20/08/2021 20:54

@StormTreader

You need to really scale back what you do for his birthday, xmas etc. Either he will get annoyed which will make your point for you, or you save yourself the upset of not seeing all your effort returned.
Do you though? I do surprise stuff for my Mr knowing it will never be reciprocated. I get to go somewhere, do something as well.

My Mr says I'm the ideas one. He just works like a dog to pay for it all.

Although it really doesn't matter, you can't change someone this much. If he's never done it, you fell in love with him never had done it, you married him never have done it. I presume.

You can stop doing it for him. See how that goes.