Narc MIL at funeral - what to expect?

[Lottapianos]

It's FIL's funeral next week and DP and I are trying to brace ourselves for MIL's possible antics. Brief history - she had significant narcissistic tendencies, plays the victim, woe is me, the whole world is against her, completely self absorbed and turns EVERYTHING round to herself within one minute flat. She had a range of health issues which she neglects and takes no responsibility for, but moans about endlessly. DP has been organising every aspect of the funeral and all MIL has done is 'worry' at great length and in a very performative way about various aspects of the plans. We're dreading seeing her tbh. She lives 6 hours away so we haven't seen her since just before FIL died 3 weeks ago

I know that everyone is different and there is no way to predict how she will be on the day, but I would be grateful for any stories (good or bad) from people who have been in similar situations about how things panned out and how they coped. Any galvanising or supportive advice also very welcome

If my description of MIL doesn't ring any bells for you, and you're wondering why I'm being a bitch about a poor bereaved old lady, then please just accept that this is not the best thread for you to be posting on and move along

Thanks all

I suspect the only way to deal with anyone like this at any event is to be calm, neutral and non-committal. Keep things very grey rock and ignore absolutely any kind of 'performance' that you can. Unless she asks you a direct question I'd simply reply, Oh really? Oh dear or something similar.

My advice? Do nothing. She's not your (joint) responsibility, you can't change her behaviour or personality and nothing she can say or do at the funeral is a reflection of who you are as people.

Sounds easy to say but hard to do; we have an inbuilt desire for everyone to act appropriately at a funeral and to feel embarrassed for the bad behaviour of other people. I suspect the other people will be well aware of her personality and will feel nothing but sympathy for you if she does kick off.

Practice your eye-rolling!!

I assume she’ll be her element in soaking up all the ‘sorry on your loss’ comments. My ex MIL made every funeral she attended about herself - even when completely unrelated - fainting, crying etc. so she loved being the centre of attention at her parents in law and actual parents funerals so much. Probably because her husband died young, had massive funeral and she always introduced herself as ‘I’m a widow’.

Funerals and weddings tend to bring out the worst in people. I'd assume she is going to behave, how she is going to behave, and leave her to it, unless she does something truly outrageous like try to throw herself in the grave. . .

It's one day, it's awful, and then it's over.

The job of her personality type is to have you constantly on your toes, walking on eggshells, or dreading her behaviour at her husband's funeral but you never know, she might surprise you and be on her best behaviour because she'll be the centre of attention. We can but hope.

I agree with PP though, a non commital "Okay" when she says just about anything will see you through the day, she can't kick off when you're agreeing with her

I think as it is her husband's funeral you'll just have to let her be the centre of attention & pull back from her afterwards.

'she might surprise you and be on her best behaviour because she'll be the centre of attention. We can but hope.'

That's what we're thinking - that there will be so much attention and martyrdom inherent to the situation that she might actually be fine. God knows. And yes, grey rock is the plan all the rest of the time. I'm planning to have as little to do with her as possible tbh.

Order a taxi for her immediately as soon as she says “ I need to go home “.

Her husband died regardless of any personality traits , you are just going to have to suck it up just don't be drawn in if you don't want let.her carry on

As much as I love my dm she too can be like it.

The tendencies are there,like forgetting to tell me a close relatives pretty urgent scan results that need further work (bear in mind it was me who took and escorted and helped the relative along with dm who huffed and puffed the whole time )

If she forgets something (recently organised thing between us) she plays the victim and that she's got a lot on her mind blah blah but really she had a better offer but didn't bother to let me know. Shel go into a strip about how she's stressed and tired and not sleeping even though she's happily retired very early with no financial issues and spends her life moaning she's bored

When I've been in a similar situation to yours I've either told her quietly to bloody behave or I've just completely ignored the dramatics and grey rocked her

Is it your DP’s father who has died?

Are there any siblings or other close family/ friends who will be around to support?

Yes, DP's father. No siblings. DPs aunt will be with us though, and she's entirely normal and lovely. She's also been dealing with a lot less of MIL's shit recently than we have, so she will have a lot more tolerance for it, and will no doubt be a very helpful presence on the day

MIL and FIL couldn't stand each other. I'm not sure I ever heard a nice word pass between them in the 16 years I've known them. I honestly don't know how she feels about him being gone, whether she's sad, happy, relieved, all of the above or something else. It's very unsettling

The best one for this was the weird (and distant) cousin who wailed through the funeral of someone she was only distantly related to by marriage.

Everyone thought she was very close to the deceased (another distant cousin) and went past the bereaved family (wife, children and their spouses) to offer their condolences to her. Which she graciously received.

Further wailing at the cemetery, had to be restrained from collapsing into the grave by the pallbearers and her husband and sat at the reception with a face like a smacked arse waiting to be offered refreshment - it was a buffet, laid on by the family.

There are no depths these ghouls will stoop to for attention.

My ex-husband had a grandmother very similar to your MIL. She was the single most melodramatic person I have ever known to exist. She only spoke Polish (refused to speak English despite living in this country for half a century) and was constantly "dying" from some ailment or other.

The sad bit was her husband was actually very ill but never said a damn word because his wife was too busy convincing everyone that SHE and she alone was the sickest person on the planet. When her husband did actually die, she was apoplectic with rage, hurling herself on his body at the hospital, wailing that SHE was dying and that he'd only gone and died just to spite her. She had to be dragged off his body by a couple of nurses, still flailing her arms and wailing at the up of her lungs. It was in such poor taste.

Ex-husband and I were absolutely dreading his grandfather's funeral simply because we just couldn't have said what his grandmother was going to do. As it happens, she decided not to attend her husband's funeral at all since it was much more dramatic that way...😂

There are no depths these ghouls will NOT stoop to for attention

All families are different.
Some people will have no idea what you mean @Lottapianos and think you are unreasonable.
Others do know and understand completely.

So sorry about the loss of your FIL.

I think the best way to handle it - is predict the unpredictable. Keep calm, remember who its for and ignore any drama. Give him the send off he deserves and if she does anything to upset you address it once the dust has settled after the funeral. X

'Further wailing at the cemetery, had to be restrained from collapsing into the grave by the pallbearers'

Good god. Would be funny if it wasn't so upsetting (I imagine) and just plain WEIRD

'wailing that SHE was dying and that he'd only gone and died just to spite her'

We have had a toned-down version of that. Dry-crying (where she 'sobs' and shakes but remains completely dry-eyed) that it 'wasnt supposed to happen this way' and that she was supposed to die first, because of all her many ailments, you see. I wonder if part of her is furious that he's upstaged her by going and dying while she's so ill 😊

As someone who has a flaky family my feeling is that you focus on taking care of your DP.

Narcissistic people like attention so ask her how she is and make a fuss of her.

I was 9 weeks pregnant and suffering from hyperemesis when by lovely Dad died.

Between my my dad dying and the funeral my mother told me over the phone that she expected me to 'look after' her cousin at the funeral as he would be attending alone. This cousin is a man 20+years older than me that I had met a handful of times in my entire life. Not wanting an argument I deflected and ignored.

At the funeral when my mother new I was feeling absolutely terrible, trying to time my cyclizine and food intake so as not to vomited at an important time, we had just come out of the service and I was stood around with my DH, DB, SIL and my own cousins from my Dads side of the family, my mother came up and pulled me away to 'remind me what she had ASKED (she never asks) me to do'.

That moment concreted for what I had always known, that my feelings and needs mean absolutely nothing to my own mother.

It still took me another 2 years to go no contact but 2 years on from that my only regret is not doing it sooner.

for you DH, tell him to stay strong.

Narcissists love funerals because they like dressing up and being admired. Funerals tick these boxes and gives them a chance to publicly shine. Narcissists love this level of attention.

They also get sympathy. And narcissists LOVE sympathy. Everyone feels sorry for them. And they lap it up. A narcissist knows that people they’ve wronged HAVE to call a truce during a funeral. Social convention dictates past grudges must temporarily be forgotten so they get a free pass for the day.

Narcissists take comfort in knowing how to handle the situation. There’s usually a few days notice before a funeral. So they can get their head round how to act. Attending a funeral is a public show demonstrating they have feelings for others. Narcissists like to hide the fact they don’t feel for others. They try their best to appear “normal”.

There’s lots of people at a funeral who see the narcissist. And lots of people to convince they care.

Narcissists want people to like them. And they want people to think they care. A funeral gives them the perfect platform, in front of many eyes.

'my feeling is that you focus on taking care of your DP.'

You're right - will definitely be doing this

'Narcissistic people like attention so ask her how she is and make a fuss of her.' - will definitely not be doing that

And the above is precisely how MIL behaved at her H's funeral (when in all truth she could not have cared less about him when he was alive).

'that my feelings and needs mean absolutely nothing to my own mother.'

My mother is the same, as is my MIL. I'm so sorry. It bloody hurts