Narc MIL at funeral - what to expect?

[Lottapianos]

It's FIL's funeral next week and DP and I are trying to brace ourselves for MIL's possible antics. Brief history - she had significant narcissistic tendencies, plays the victim, woe is me, the whole world is against her, completely self absorbed and turns EVERYTHING round to herself within one minute flat. She had a range of health issues which she neglects and takes no responsibility for, but moans about endlessly. DP has been organising every aspect of the funeral and all MIL has done is 'worry' at great length and in a very performative way about various aspects of the plans. We're dreading seeing her tbh. She lives 6 hours away so we haven't seen her since just before FIL died 3 weeks ago

I know that everyone is different and there is no way to predict how she will be on the day, but I would be grateful for any stories (good or bad) from people who have been in similar situations about how things panned out and how they coped. Any galvanising or supportive advice also very welcome

If my description of MIL doesn't ring any bells for you, and you're wondering why I'm being a bitch about a poor bereaved old lady, then please just accept that this is not the best thread for you to be posting on and move along

Thanks all

I think your already prepared in your own mind. You know to expect anything and everything, there are no limits when a narcissist is involved. My ex his sister and mother were all narcissists and any funeral was like a night at the palladium, the performances were outstanding, and almost funny if I weren't cringing so hard. Lots of people on hand to indulge them and their behaviour. Don't worry, she will be in her element. Your biggest problem will be trying not to let your eyes permanently roll to the back of your head.

Narcissistic people like attention so ask her how she is and make a fuss of her.' - will definitely not be doing that

Delegate.

Oh I think she'll be in her element as the widow front and centre at the funeral of her husband. Potentially it'll go without a hitch for you all.

It's afterwards when she's missing that attention that she'll be insufferable. Expect DH to be summoned for every little task even if she has easily done them for herself up to now, because now she's widowed

Also beware of her angling to move in with you. No good being a drama queen if nobody is there to be your audience.

No matter what she does or says, do nothing. She is looking for drama and a reaction, give her none. Nothing. Keep your face neutral and just get through it.

Just grey rock it.

Just make sure your DH gets to say goodbye to his father the way he wants to.

Make the correct faces and noises towards the mother in law.

@Lottapianos

'wailing that SHE was dying and that he'd only gone and died just to spite her'

We have had a toned-down version of that. Dry-crying (where she 'sobs' and shakes but remains completely dry-eyed) that it 'wasnt supposed to happen this way' and that she was supposed to die first, because of all her many ailments, you see. I wonder if part of her is furious that he's upstaged her by going and dying while she's so ill 😊

Oh this was definitely the case with ex-husband's grandmother. Couldn't stand the thought of being upstaged. Oh and we had the "dry crying". One of ex-husband's cousins once sidled up to me and murmured, "You know, for someone who cries so much, she never seems to run out of tissues" as he gestured at the unopened tissue box on the coffee table, still in its cellophane wrapper....😂

At my GM (mothers mother) funeral the eulogy speech that my mother had written mysteriously disappeared just before the service.
"Don't worry darling I'll whizz home and print it out again" said my F, too quick.
All the guests and staff meanwhile SCOURED the venue to no avail until he came speeding back up the gravel drive like the Dukes of fucking Hazzard. What a hero.
How he could do that to my mother I'll never know. Honestly you couldn't make this shit up.
Speech later 'miraculously' reappeared in plain sight on a coffee table.
I'm sorry you're going through this painful time. Grey rock, smile, grit your teeth and inwardly chant 'fuck 'em'.

'Also beware of her angling to move in with you'

and also . She lives 6 hours away and hasn't left her home county in about 10 years. I think we're safe! But also .... NO FUCKING WAY. It would either be the end of my relationship or the end of my life, or both. DP is one hundred percent on the same page

It is about her though - she’s lost her husband, you’d have to be a complete arse to neglect that fact. Give her the attention now, you can ignore her at other times.

She'll be dressed like Miss Havisham, in full mourning. If you're lucky she'll turn up pissed and try to seduce the vicar

@underneaththeash

It is about her though - she’s lost her husband, you’d have to be a complete arse to neglect that fact. Give her the attention now, you can ignore her at other times.

It isn't all about her, OP DH has lost his father, that is a big deal too, and shouldn't be forgotten.

@underneaththeash

It is about her though - she’s lost her husband, you’d have to be a complete arse to neglect that fact. Give her the attention now, you can ignore her at other times.

The funeral is about the FIL isn't it?!!

My mum was like this at my dad’s funeral……but the kicker is they were divorced, he was remarried, mum hated my dad and had beaten him up before the divorce. But being the total narc she turned up even after I told her not to and tried to play the grieving widow…..I banned her from the wake. Which won’t be an option for you. Agree just letting it wash over you for the day is best.

My MIL launched herself at my DH to grab his other arm (he was holding my arm & grief stricken) at the graveside, with such force to pull him away from me, the three of us nearly fell into the grave. Thank goodness for a muddy ground & my stiletto boots, which anchored us enough to merely teeter on the edge of the hole.

The best thing is to hold your tongue, hum”always look on the bright side of life” in your head all day, smile & remember this day will end. Be at one with the madness of a narcissist MIL for just that one day. Be there for your husband.

And wear foot ware with bloody good heels.

This was my mother at my grandads funeral

For context he bought me up and in turn I was a child carer (I’m 100% convinced that I was bred so she didn’t have to look after him in his old age)

We where very close-I’d lived with him until 18 months before he died (she shoved him in a home when dementia kicked in-I’d go see him at least 5 days a week and I really think he hung on to see me one last time before he died)

she hadn’t seen him in the flesh for at least 10 years

I had to beg to be allowed to go,to say goodbye to the first man I’ve ever loved,and she kept changing her mind-one minute I could go,the next I couldn’t-I did go but she sent me to school that morning and refused to allow me to get changed out of my uniform and I was back at school for last lessons-I was in no fit state to go anywhere but home

I was standing at his graveside (at the back-where I was shoved) and she just had to take centre stage-she actually elbowed my grandads adult children and their kids out of the way to get to the front

My father (my granddad was his dad) is a very shy man and didn’t want to lead the way after the coffin so she elbowed him forward where she followed him-it was like she owned the show

She wailed and howled loudly (no tears tho) as the coffin was lowered and really made a show of herself all the way through-wailing that she loved him the most and how badly this affected her

It was that bad that people where starting to whisper about her behaviour

She refused to go to the wake as it was ‘for family only’ (what did she think we where???) and then snuck back out to go without us

It was like the funeral was her stage and she loved it-the fake tears and the smirks where a giveaway

When her mother died,I refused to go as she had been just as bad in life so I refused to pay my respects to her in death

I’m told my mother did exactly the same-she seems to treat any funerals as her personal stage-she’s a carer herself now so goes to a lot-I honestly think she does the job just so she can bask in the praise of the family and she what a good person she is (we’ll gloss over how she slags the oldies off and steals from them)

It’s all about her and fuck everyone else

MIL and FIL couldn't stand each other

Condolences, OP, and the above's obviously very relevant - hard enough if she really treasured him, but very difficult to listen to if not

My late, exMIL was the same, even making funerals of vague acquaintances about her; no matter how private family members wanted certain parts to be she'd muscle in, having a tantrum if resisted in any way and even downright lying about the level of her relationship with the deceased

IME the only thing to do is let it wash over you at the time and grey rock afterwards; sadly, there isn't much else to do

My story is much like @CovidCorvid. My parents had been separated 20 years, she'd spoken to him once in that time, never had a good word to say about him. He was always so gracious about her in my earshot (recognising how inappropriate it was to drag the children into the fighting).
She rocked up at his funeral, bitched about him to anyone who would listen, told some vile rumours about his final years (despite not knowing anything), and then picked a fight with my uncle.
When she died I struggled to find anything nice to say in her eulogy!

I would expect much wailing and gnashing of teeth. My DM tried to make my DFs funeral all about her when they had been divorced 20 years. I ignored her.

She may speak about him in a negative way inappropriate to the occasion if they never got on well and she's jealous of the attention his life is receiving. Or she may talk about how devoted she was to him (unrecognisably from your experience of their relationship).

The grieving partner is generally the person most affected by their partners death alongside children, but I would expect that she may presume she is the only person affected by his death and have no sympathy for anyone else.

If they had different views on religion, expect the ceremony to be in line with her beliefs rather than his. Though if your husband has organised everything expect the arrangements to be criticised left right and centre.

1. Expect her worst behaviour. That way you wont be surprised or as upset and if she does hold it together because she is getting her supply needs met, you will be pleasantly surprised.
2. Have you read the Karpmann drama triangle stuff? www.forbes.com/sites/remyblumenfeld/2018/12/07/how-to-transform-your-relationships-by-getting-creative/

It suggests moving to the middle and not getting involved in the drama. My narc cousin sent an obituary for my mother to a major national newspaper announcing the death of her aunt. Using the most hideous photo - mum would have been so upset, and I just felt so pushed aside by her behaviour. Not to mention the tons of mistakes and misinformation that she included. The extended family were pretty horrified by that to be honest, but I was so shocked she did it I didn't really take her up on it. Then she pestered me constantly about arrangements when I had told her I needed breathing space as the lead up to mums death had been horrendous (nursing her at home without most of the services we should have had because of the pandemic, by the time she died I was so tired I was getting dizzy spells and other physical stuff). Cousin also took it on herself to forward the link to the funeral to a bunch of people we had not invited (people she knows, but we dont). On one hand because it was online it was no difference to us but it felt like such a liberty. The only good news is that because of Covid she could not attend - she wanted to but I flatly told her no. Thank god, because I honestly dont think I could have stood to be around her.

If they had different views on religion, expect the ceremony to be in line with her beliefs rather than his. Though if your husband has organised everything expect the arrangements to be criticised left right and centre.

My dad had never been religious even as a child and was openly atheist as an adult, he planned every detail of his own funeral whilst he was terminally ill and yet my mother still forced the lord's prayer in against his expressed wishes.

We had this with narc mil. She was in her element on the day, just totally dismissed DHs grief as nothing compared to hers. It’s afterwards when all the fuss dies down you need to worry about. Mil still tells new people she’s a widow even though she’s now remarried.

'Its afterwards when all the fuss dies down you need to worry'

Very true. That's when the six hour distance will come into its own! Since we knew that FIL was terminally ill, we have made some physical changes to the house to improve accessibility for her, and arranged home help which is going well so far. Can do no more, so will be taking a BIG step back. DP is absolutely worn out by her - they had a big row a week before FIL died, which had been brewing for years , and she said some very unhinged and hurtful things. So we need to just get through the funeral and then back away for our own sanity

It’s horrendous that some people consider this appropriate behaviour. My sister and niece wept and wailed so much at my DF’s funeral the celebrant stopped the service. Appalling behaviour.
My MIL was also like this, attention seeking to the nth degree. No one was as upset and bereft as her even when it was a distant relative’s funeral, who she probably hadn’t seen for years!