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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you please help me justify I did the right thing

29 replies

Lolabray · 20/08/2021 13:11

My relationship has recently ended.

The reasons are:

Been together 3.5 years the relationship was not heading anywhere
Did not live together as had separate children
No plans for the future
He is not divorced and won’t get one (his prerogative and no pressure from me)
He has always been a drinker preferring Sunday all day sessions with his mates to doing stuff with me(which is fine)
No time together spent as children/friends/pub took place
The drinking has got a lot worse lately going out 3 times a week / couldn’t go for one / stayed all night
His ex created issues / was still needy
He shouted at me about an issue whilst I was at work-that could have been dealt with calmly at home
Accusations made up about me which were untrue (I accept I have been in the wrong on some parts)

For me that was the final straw and boundaries crossed.

It is very hard to end something. My feelings for him had been slowly slipping away due to not being heard and unfortunately no changes moving forwards

OP posts:

SarahBellam · 20/08/2021 13:45

Why do you need us to help you justify it? The only reason you need to leave a relationship is because you want to. It doesn’t matter if he drinks and has no time for you. He could be building homes for starving children and doing laundry for pregnant cats and be an all round amazing guy. If you’re not happy then he’s not the one for you.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2021 13:51

Agree with @SarahBellam but if you want an opinion on the reasons you had for leaving then yeah those would be reasons I would leave someone for

growinggreyer · 20/08/2021 13:53

Is he trying to change your decision? Don't be afraid to say that you need a period of no contact and then block him so that he can't message you. You need peace and quiet so that you can think and heal.

Original poster

Lolabray · 20/08/2021 13:58

No he’s not. But ultimately I feel like a crap person because he is a nice guy. It’s not going anywhere and he doesn’t listen or make changes/ I can’t spend another 3 years feeling like this !

OP posts:

Flatwhitewhiner · 20/08/2021 14:01

The only thing I’m wondering is why you didn’t end it sooner.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2021 14:01

@Lolabray

Well there's your answer, it doesn't matter how nice a guy he is, if he doesn't meet your needs/wants in a relationship then why would you stay?

Gastropod · 20/08/2021 14:04

He could be the nicest guy in the world (though TBH from your post I don't think he sounds especially nice in his treatment of you), give all his spare money to charity, rescue puppies and cook you 5 course dinners every night, but if you weren't feeling that the relationship was right for you, then you would still be entirely justified in ending it.

In other words, if it is not fulfilling you or making you happy, then you have every right to call time on your relationship.

Original poster

Lolabray · 20/08/2021 14:04

Ok perhaps the word justify isn’t the correct word I meant. I meant do these reasons sound valid

OP posts:

Original poster

Lolabray · 20/08/2021 14:06

@Flatwhitewhiner

The only thing I’m wondering is why you didn’t end it sooner.

Because he came around crying and carrying on when he was drunk and I stupidly took him back !

OP posts:

aerosocks · 20/08/2021 14:06

But ultimately I feel like a crap person because he is a nice guy

Not nice enough to spend Sundays with you, or to stop drinking so much, or to stop shouting at you, or to not accuse you of things you haven't done though, eh?

You say yourself it wasn't going anywhere.

You do not need to justify this decision to anyone other than yourself, and all you need to be able to do that is to re-read what you wrote in your OP.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2021 14:07

@Lolabray

Ok perhaps the word justify isn’t the correct word I meant. I meant do these reasons sound valid

Yes they do

couchparsnip · 20/08/2021 14:11

Your reasons are definitely valid. You don't need to second guess yourself because you made the right decision.

Original poster

Lolabray · 20/08/2021 14:14

Thanks all. I need this so much right now :)

OP posts:

robotcollision · 20/08/2021 14:20

He's really not that nice a guy. He doesn't prioritise you. He boozes too heavily. He has no plans for the future with you.

For me, a nice man is someone who:
prioritises you regularly - not at the expense of other important commitments but equal to them
happily discusses the future with you and is then not flaky about those discussions
actively wants to spend a big part of his spare time with you
talks to you and about you to others with warmth and respect

MNmonster · 20/08/2021 14:24

Nice guys don't spend every weekend in the pub with their mates ignoring their partner.

Did you ever ask the ex why they split? You may find out her reasons were very similar.

Clarice99 · 20/08/2021 14:25

@Lolabray

Ok perhaps the word justify isn’t the correct word I meant. I meant do these reasons sound valid

Yes, they are all valid reasons.

He doesn't sound 'nice' at all. He doesn't prioriitise you or your relationship.

Reading that list, my immediate thought was 'you're well rid'

Well done for having boundaries and applying them

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 20/08/2021 14:28

You seriously wrote all the things in your op then posted again to say he's a nice guy?

Seriously?

A nice heavy drinker who yells at you while you're at work, accuses you of things you haven't done, barely makes time for you in his life and doesn't listen to how you feel?

If that's your idea of nice what does a bloke have to do to be considered an arse?

TheCanyon · 20/08/2021 14:29

Seriously what's the point in posting? No doubt you'll be back next week asking the same thing yet again.

Chuck him, or don't, your choice.

AngusThermopyle · 20/08/2021 14:45

I didn't even get halfway down that list to need to decide. He is definitely NOT A NICE GUY!

You keep starting these threads though. How many more times do you need to check.
He's a prick and you're better off without him.

ScabbyHorse · 20/08/2021 14:46

Trust in that inner voice as it was right.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 20/08/2021 14:50

So he shouts at you while you are at work, accuses you of things you haven’t done, prioritises drink over you, makes no plans for the future
But I feel like a crap person because he’s such a nice guy.
Have a word with yourself, he’s not a nice guy, he’s a knob

category12 · 20/08/2021 15:25

All those reasons are excellent.

Not sure why you added (his prerogative and no pressure from me) about him not divorcing - it's perfectly reasonable for you to want a partner of a couple of years to divorce or have some intention of divorcing.

Nor this He has always been a drinker preferring Sunday all day sessions with his mates to doing stuff with me(which is fine) - actually it's not fine, and it's perfectly reasonable for that not to be fine for you - few people want a partner who chooses getting shit-faced every Sunday in preference to any one of a million things you could do as a couple.

It's OK to have needs and expectations of a partner.

dieblauenStrumpfhosen · 20/08/2021 15:39

You did the right thing. You're not responsible for looking after him. Plus, you're doing him a favour in the long run. Letting him get away with behaving like this with no consequences is basically telling him it's fine.

category12 · 20/08/2021 15:52

I think you might want to take some time to think about what you would actually like in a relationship and raise your bar a bit, and unpick why you have been accepting so little and been erasing your own needs/expectations.

Original poster

Lolabray · 20/08/2021 16:48

@TheCanyon

Seriously what's the point in posting? No doubt you'll be back next week asking the same thing yet again.

Chuck him, or don't, your choice

I beg to differ with you on that one .. my mind is made up we’re over

OP posts:

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