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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS not talking to me, WIBU?

47 replies

Sorbetq · 20/08/2021 12:31

Sorry know this isn’t AIBU but couldn’t face posting there. Happy to be told I’m in the wrong though.
Ds 12 stays at home sometimes if I’m local (going to supermarket, seeing a friend who lives near) he comes with me if I’m going a bit further afield but we live in a city so everything is relatively close to us.
He’s sensible enough to be left alone, can safely use the oven etc, knows not to open the door to anyone.
I ring when I’m out to check in, let him know how much longer I’ll be, I do text sometimes but he rarely replies.
Yesterday I had to do some shopping & then a party for younger DC to attend straight after (all still local), over the course of 2 hours I rang his mobile approx 20 times, also rang the house phone approx 6 times which he eventually answered when I was rushing home to check he was ok.
At first I thought maybe he’s not heard his phone if in the kitchen or toilet hence I kept on trying.
When I got in he had an excuse about the contact name not showing and just the number which he didn’t recognise.
I’ve told him that he now has to come out with me in future & he’s not spoke to me since (just one word replies when I’ve asked him questions)
Was I in the wrong to tell him he has to come out with me? I tried to ask him what he would do in my shoes but was met with silence

OP posts:
Original poster
Sorbetq · 20/08/2021 12:31

Sorry didn’t realise how long that was but didn’t want to drip feed

OP posts:
Blushingm · 20/08/2021 12:34

At 12 and if you're local I think you were being a little bit unreasonable

BluebellsGreenbells · 20/08/2021 12:38

Get a dog! Mine howls at the phone until someone answers it, quite annoying.

Seriously I think you’ve over reacted in panic and worry. I think you need a chat about him replying to messages etc. That you’ll give him a second chance, however if it happens again he’ll forfeit the right to stay home.

LadyCatStark · 20/08/2021 12:39

If your number really did come up as just a number not your name then he absolutely did the right thing!

BluebellsGreenbells · 20/08/2021 12:40

Change the ‘Mum’ to Answer the phone!!

girlmom21 · 20/08/2021 12:41

I actually think you're right to say he needs to come with you in future.

You agreed he can stay home if he answers the phone when you call.

If he chose not to answer the phone, you had no way of knowing he was safe.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2021 12:45

I'd probably give him another chance, 1 more. I think he'll be more likely to answer the phone next time if he knows what will happen if he doesn't

YANBU generally though

Original poster
Sorbetq · 20/08/2021 12:46

I did check the number thing when I got in, it showed he has missed calls off ‘mum’ and when I rang ‘mum’ and my Memoji pic showed up.

we have a dog who I know would bite anyone that that tried to get in.
I was more worried he might’ve slipped and banged his head/hurt himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sorbetq · 20/08/2021 12:48

Also if it did just come up as number he did do the right thing as I’ve warned him about scam calls but I did say if someone has rang you more than 3 times in a row it’s probably something important

OP posts:
Original poster
Sorbetq · 20/08/2021 12:49

I think maybe I’ll have another chat and give him one more chance as suggested but my goodness they don’t realise much they worry you do they Sad

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 20/08/2021 12:50

At 12 you should be able to leave him without the constant phone calls to check on him. However I would also be annoyed that he didn't answer his phone at all to you.

waffleyversatile1 · 20/08/2021 12:51

Hi op. This has happened to me on occasion in fairness usually when my battery has died. When the phone switches on again if a contact calls it comes out with just their number. Then if I've checked call history it says their name.

Emmelina · 20/08/2021 12:52

A quick peek at the call history will show if your name came up or not.
It’s in his best interests all round that he answers your calls. Not only will it avoid this panic in future - what if you were calling to ask if he wanted anything?

Myneighboursnorlax · 20/08/2021 12:54

Why don’t you agree with him that if it happens again in future that your number shows up without your name and he isn’t sure, ask him to text you saying “mum did you just try and ring me?” or the other way around, if he doesn’t answer, send him a quick text saying “it’s mum, answer your phone”.

Carboncheque · 20/08/2021 12:58

He should have answered the phone but

’over the course of 2 hours I rang his mobile approx 20 times, also rang the house phone approx 6 times which he eventually answered when I was rushing home to check he was ok.’

This is extreme. Why did you keep calling and assume he must be hurt? Do you suffer from anxiety?

Original poster
Sorbetq · 20/08/2021 13:01

Thank you everyone, these are all helpful suggestions.

I do usually only ring once when I’m out, he doesn’t ever need the phone call, doesn’t usually leave his bedroom but it’s just to check in & let him know how long I’ll be/ask if he needs anything, I just panicked as I couldn’t leave the party straightaway and after the first few calls I thought something was up.

OP posts:
Candydreamer · 20/08/2021 13:05

To be fair, I can understand why this panicked you but I wouldn't now say he has to come with you all the time. I would remind him though that you want him to answer the phone if you call him when he is alone at home so that you know he is okay.

girlmom21 · 20/08/2021 13:05

This is extreme. Why did you keep calling

Because the point of the call was to check in and make sure he's ok and he didn't answer - surely that's obvious?

godmum56 · 20/08/2021 13:06

@Carboncheque

He should have answered the phone but

’over the course of 2 hours I rang his mobile approx 20 times, also rang the house phone approx 6 times which he eventually answered when I was rushing home to check he was ok.’

This is extreme. Why did you keep calling and assume he must be hurt? Do you suffer from anxiety?

I don't think that's unreasonable as a Mum's response to a 12 YO who has been told he MUST answer as part of the home alone deal....looks like he fibbed about the "it only came up as a number" thing too.
R0tational · 20/08/2021 13:08

Ott

ILoveMyMonkey · 20/08/2021 13:11

I don’t think the ground rules are clear enough. You said that you normally text and he doesn’t reply very often - maybe he wasn’t expecting you to ring him and as he doesn’t reply to the texts he didn’t realise he had to respond to the calls.

You need to have a chat and make your expectations crystal clear - ie if I text or phone you then you must reply / answer / phone me back within a set time limit or your in trouble.

MostlyNormalSometimesOdd · 20/08/2021 13:12

YANBU. Part of the “staying at home” deal is that he answers if you call.
I’d suggest a final warning, on the understanding that if he doesn’t answer he doesn’t stay home alone in future and you’ll stop paying his phone bill

SarahBellam · 20/08/2021 13:23

I’d take his phone off off him (since he doesn’t appear to be using it anyway 😜) and make him go out with you for a week. At the end of the week you can review. If he has come with you without moaning then he can stop and he can have his phone back with the proviso that he pick up when you phone or the next time it happens it will happen for 2 weeks.

Famousinlove · 20/08/2021 13:47

If he had just turned his phone on, the number might have shown instead of your name, it happens on my phone when it turns on and i havent put the password in yet

Carboncheque · 20/08/2021 15:39

If someone doesn’t answer the phone my mind doesn’t go straight to, ‘Oh no! What’s happened to them? They must have had an accident!’ Surely ‘they can’t be arsed to answer the phone’ is much more likely for a 12 year old.

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