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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DS not talking to me, WIBU?

47 replies

Sorbetq · 20/08/2021 12:31

Sorry know this isn’t AIBU but couldn’t face posting there. Happy to be told I’m in the wrong though.
Ds 12 stays at home sometimes if I’m local (going to supermarket, seeing a friend who lives near) he comes with me if I’m going a bit further afield but we live in a city so everything is relatively close to us.
He’s sensible enough to be left alone, can safely use the oven etc, knows not to open the door to anyone.
I ring when I’m out to check in, let him know how much longer I’ll be, I do text sometimes but he rarely replies.
Yesterday I had to do some shopping & then a party for younger DC to attend straight after (all still local), over the course of 2 hours I rang his mobile approx 20 times, also rang the house phone approx 6 times which he eventually answered when I was rushing home to check he was ok.
At first I thought maybe he’s not heard his phone if in the kitchen or toilet hence I kept on trying.
When I got in he had an excuse about the contact name not showing and just the number which he didn’t recognise.
I’ve told him that he now has to come out with me in future & he’s not spoke to me since (just one word replies when I’ve asked him questions)
Was I in the wrong to tell him he has to come out with me? I tried to ask him what he would do in my shoes but was met with silence

OP posts:

Haffdonga · 20/08/2021 15:56

YANBU

If for some strange reason his phone doesn't show your number when you ring him yeah right ds then clearly it's not a suitable phone for him to stay at home alone with.

Perhaps his phone will start working again miraculously after a couple of trips to the supermarket with you and he'll remember to answer you immediately.

And ds not speaking to you is not the problem. It sounds like he's grunting when necessary so I'd ignore that strop.

Horst · 20/08/2021 16:10

If I don’t get an answer I tend to check his Xbox status. But seriously I went out yesterday morning. Woke up ds12 me and your sisters are going out… went to town shopping didn’t once check in as I knew he had probably gone back to sleep. Got back at lunch time and indeed he was still snoozing in bed.

I find a text is much better though he will either respond with a quick K or I can see it’s been delivered or read.

Original poster

Sorbetq · 20/08/2021 16:33

Ooo I didn’t think of checking the games console account! Good tip!

I don’t use text as a reliable form of communication because he doesn’t even open them half the time (not just to me to his friends too) he knows he’s to answer the phone if I ring and when he’s not answered on other occasions he’s rang me straight back and apologised that he was in the middle of a match/toilet/out of room etc.

Anyway I’ve dragged his miserable face out all day with me today, we won’t be going anywhere tomorrow & he’ll have to come out with me Sunday as we’ll be too far but I’ll give him another chance on Monday & hopefully by then his mood will have improved a bit to have a decent conversation (and not one where he’s on the defensive)

Thanks for all the helpful advice, you have saved my sanity a bit today

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 20/08/2021 16:39

I see he has been dragged along today maybe a few more out and abouts and he will be able to be left again ! I do think he is doing it to wind you up,. S o when you do start leaving him again just don't contact him you are not gone too long he should be able to be left without contact try and trust him more.

Tal45 · 20/08/2021 16:40

Oh god, just stop phoning him! He doesn't want to have to keep getting up to see who's ringing when it's probably just a cold caller. Text him to tell him how long you will be or whatever and then he can check that if he wants to know. Remind him to switch his mobile on when you go out and that you will only ring if you really need him to pick up - so he needs to make sure he answers if you do ring.

InteriorDesignHell · 20/08/2021 16:55

Sounds like he snuck out leaving his phone behind and is now busted? Unless he definitely has no door key.
Hence the buttoned lip. He screwed up and he knows he has!

Original poster

Sorbetq · 20/08/2021 17:04

Definitely didn’t sneak out, he’s a gamer so quite happily stays home.

Once I do leave him home again I WILL still ring him, he’s still a child & I have a responsibility to ensure he is safe, my goodness imagine something did happen and I had to explain why I hadn’t bothered to call him

OP posts:

category12 · 20/08/2021 20:29

Honestly I think you can leave a 12 year old home for a couple of hours and not need to call him.

If you don't trust him to not trip over and die in that time , you've no business leaving him at all.

girlmom21 · 21/08/2021 08:57

@category12

Honestly I think you can leave a 12 year old home for a couple of hours and not need to call him.

If you don't trust him to not trip over and die in that time , you've no business leaving him at all.

You don't really trust people to not have an accident though, do you? It wouldn't be his fault if he tripped banged his head...

category12 · 21/08/2021 09:08

Oh come on how bloody ridiculous -

assuming a perfectly healthy 12 yr old
home alone for 2 hours
probably going to spend the entire time gaming in their room

unless they're the sort of kid that you can't trust not to get up to stuff, phoning them is going to do sod all to protect them.

There's more risk he'll fall over running to get the phone cos mum is going to throw a fit if he doesn't answer than if she just left him the heck alone .

Horst · 21/08/2021 10:52

I mean he could trip over and die seconds after the op left the house if you want to get into the nitty gritty of it. Her calling after an hour or two wouldn’t change that. He would of still be stuck there all that time.

Imagine having a poo without your phone and getting 20 missed calls from your mum though or something else like that because you fell asleep.

His probably statically more likely to get injured being out with op in the car that home alone playing on his Xbox or pc.

Funnylittlefloozie · 21/08/2021 11:00

Next time, if he fails to answer, bring back something nice for yourself (ice cream, maccies, etc). When he asks where his is, tell him you rang him to ask if he wanted anything but he didn't reply. Guarantee he will ALWAYS answer the phone after that.

UserStillatLarge · 21/08/2021 11:26

I think it's ludicrous that you are needing to check in with a 12 year old if you're only leaving him for 2 hours. But if they agreement is he answers when you phone, then I agree he should answer when you phone.

That said, for a "first infringement" I would simply reiterate the "rules" and warn him that if it happens again you will not let him stay at home on his own. And possibly revise how much "checking up" he actually needs.

UserStillatLarge · 21/08/2021 11:27

You don't really trust people to not have an accident though, do you? It wouldn't be his fault if he tripped banged his head...

People don't check in on adults who are on their own at home for 2 hours though ... and they are as equally likely (probably more likely) to fall and bang their head etc.

UserStillatLarge · 21/08/2021 11:30

@InteriorDesignHell

Sounds like he snuck out leaving his phone behind and is now busted? Unless he definitely has no door key. Hence the buttoned lip. He screwed up and he knows he has!

I don't see why there would be an issue with a 12 year old (say) going to the local shop or round to the park to meet friends. Not leaving the house is a rule you impose on 9 year olds.

I do think OP needs to be clear what her expectations are. And she needs to check that her expectations are age appropriate for a 12 year old.

Athrawes · 21/08/2021 11:36

I am amazed you left a 12 year old alone for 2 hours!! But the law here (NZ) is that they have to be 14 before you can leave them alone. 12 seems very young indeed to be left alone for so long.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/08/2021 11:38

You're overreacting
I used to do a check in call when I first started leaving mine but by 12 he's on his own for the day when I go into the office (one day a week), gets himself up, scoots to the skate park and stays there all day. Unless he's got SN you shouldn't need to be checking him so regularly by now?
The things I have though are find my friends on iPhone so I know where he is, and also have an Alexa so I can drop in and chat to him if he doesn't answer the phone when I genuinely need t speak to him. Alexas are only about £25 so that might help? You can connect from your phone and it just bings and then opens two way speakers on the device. Your voice will just appear in the room as if you were there

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/08/2021 11:39

@Athrawes

I am amazed you left a 12 year old alone for 2 hours!! But the law here (NZ) is that they have to be 14 before you can leave them alone. 12 seems very young indeed to be left alone for so long.

Why? Most 12 year olds are perfectly capable of not setting themselves on fire or swallowing a penny for a few hours! Keeping children dependent until 14 is mad.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 21/08/2021 12:24

@Athrawes

I am amazed you left a 12 year old alone for 2 hours!! But the law here (NZ) is that they have to be 14 before you can leave them alone. 12 seems very young indeed to be left alone for so long.

It's totally normal here for a 12yo to be home alone for a couple of hours eg between after school and parents getting gone at 6ish.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 21/08/2021 12:26

My ds sometimes misses calls because he's playing games on a headset so doesn't hear the phone ring. Is that a possible reason why he doesn't answer ?

I'd be considering taking his phone off him for a few days (since he doesn't answer it) in the hope that he may get used to checking his phone when you go out.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 21/08/2021 14:14

Just googled the NZ thing www.aucklandforkids.co.nz/parenting/what-is-the-legal-age-to-leave-a-child-at-home-in-new-zealand/
Under 14s can't be left alone even in a car(!) but 14 year olds can be responsible for other children which seems like madness to me as it takes some time to learn the skills never mind be responsible for a younger sibling

Emmelina · 22/08/2021 11:25

@Athrawes

I am amazed you left a 12 year old alone for 2 hours!! But the law here (NZ) is that they have to be 14 before you can leave them alone. 12 seems very young indeed to be left alone for so long.

Weirdly, we don’t have a lower age limit for legally leaving your child at home. It’s a parent’s judgement call. Although it would be a really stupid thing to do, you could technically leave a 6 year old if you don’t believe they’ll be unsafe (though if something happens they’ll come down on you of course). There are “guidelines”, someone under 12 is very unlikely to be mature enough to be left alone for a long period, should never leave baby/young child etc. www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone

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