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Original poster

Strained friendship that needs to end, but carries on.

47 replies

PushpullPushPull · 20/08/2021 08:25

I’ve NC’d for this, been on MN a while, but please bear with me, I’m not the best at articulating things well.

Back story; Dh and I have been friends with a couple since 2009.
I’ll call them Joe and Jane.

Joe was a colleague of dh’s, we all went on work nights out, and were in the same group of friends.

Just before he met Jane, Joe came on holiday with dh and I, a bit of a last minute thing.

We all really hit it off, same music tastes etc, so we were really pleased when he met Jane.

A friendship between the four of us developed and we started to meet up for nights out quite regularly, weekends away etc.
Then Joe and Jane were hit by a tragedy. Their little girl died a few hours after Jane gave birth.

At the same time I was going through hell with my mother, which resulted in me having a breakdown. I’m ashamed to say that because of this, I wasn’t there for Jane as much as I should have been.

I apologised to Jane and explained the best I could about what happened but she didn’t want to listen.

Jane comes from a very close family whereas my family is dysfunctional so she didn’t believe what I was saying. I went NC with my parents shortly afterwards, and we all still went out as friends, but Jane pulled back a bit from our friendship.

They eventually had a little boy and I was there for her, but it seemed like the slightest thing I said/did was wrong.

One evening Dh and I went to their house for a few beers and Joe dh and I were discussing music, having a bit of a pop quiz so things got a little raucous which woke their little boy up. Jane glared at me and made it to be my fault, and then accused me of fancying Joe. Of course I don’t, but that didn’t stop Jane telling our wider group of friends that I do.
Group of friends have since made passing digs at me and because of this I can’t talk to Joe without feeling I’m being watched.

But the friendship continues, as Joe and dh were friends originally.

When we spend time together it’s a constant struggle.
Jane makes it clear she is bored, makes seemingly Innocent digs about my looks but I’m supposed to take it as a joke, gushes to anybody who listens about how she loves their house, how big it is (she doesn’t like our house, she pulls her nose up at it).

I can’t talk to her on her own anymore as she is quite nasty so I’ve given up and talk more to dh and Joe, so then it’s the ‘push pull fancies Joe’ accusation. I can’t win.

I feel like there is an elephant in the room and I would like to end the friendship but it isn’t easy as dh and Joe were friends beforehand and as usual I’ll be the bad guy even though I suspect she wants out also.
Sort that was a ramble.

What can I do?

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 20/08/2021 08:26

Why can't joe and DH hang out without you and Jane?

StCharlotte · 20/08/2021 08:29

My oldest friend and I have issues with each other's DHs and they with each other. We just see each other without them. Can your DH see his mate without you?

RandomMess · 20/08/2021 08:31

Yep DH and Joe out together alone.

Eslteacher06 · 20/08/2021 08:31

Was about to suggest that.

R0tational · 20/08/2021 08:33

Dont invite her to your house.

Original poster
PushpullPushPull · 20/08/2021 08:37

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Why can't joe and DH hang out without you and Jane?
The pandemic stopped them going out but I think now the restrictions have lifted, Jane has planned a lot for them to do family wise so Joe hasn’t got time to go out…
OP posts:
dottypencilcase · 20/08/2021 08:40

The pandemic stopped them going out but I think now the restrictions have lifted, Jane has planned a lot for them to do family wise so Joe hasn’t got time to go out…

So they've cut you both out, problem sorted. Shame about the men being forced to EBF their friendship though.

dottypencilcase · 20/08/2021 08:40

End*

Cam001 · 20/08/2021 08:42

Sounds tricky if it's a group of friends. Definitely stop seeing them as a couple just you and DH. Let DH see his friend on his own. In a group situation just focus on the others and be pleasant but distant with her.

thedevilinablackdress · 20/08/2021 08:42

Absolutely stop spending time with someone who doesn't like you. She's hurt and can't get over it. There's no right or wrong in the original situation, just a lot of awfulness and pain. But don't put yourself through this
Tell your DH to South me time with his friend but you won't be doing the same as a 4 anyone as Jane does not like you. Keep it simple.

Original poster
PushpullPushPull · 20/08/2021 08:42

I don’t think they want to come back to our house anymore anyway.
The last time they came was just before the pandemic and we had just decorated it. Jane looked round, didn’t say a word.

She mentioned a xmas meal out this year with other friends and for us all to go to theirs afterwards, no other plans beforehand, so I don't think they’ll be coming to ours again anyway.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/08/2021 08:43

That's Joe's issue to sort out to have time to see DH.

thedevilinablackdress · 20/08/2021 08:43

*spend time

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 20/08/2021 08:44

Problem solved then!!

RandomMess · 20/08/2021 08:44

A group meal once a year would be fine just sit as far away from them as you can. Beyond that let it dwindle.

Dozer · 20/08/2021 08:46

Don’t see or have contact with Jane again, and leave DH to decide what to do re his friendship with Joe.

NameChangeNamaste · 20/08/2021 08:46

Why has your husband not handled this? It clearly makes you uncomfortable and there’s literally no need to carry on. He can simply see his friend when he likes and leave you to do your own thing…

Original poster
PushpullPushPull · 20/08/2021 08:59

It’s never that straightforward.
Every time I think they have ‘gone’ so to speak, Jane contacts us to ask why we’ve not been in contact with them. Like it’s us that has to contact first.
Another thing for us to look bad.
I think Jane is thinking that if Joe and dh go out together, then me and her would have to go out as well, so I think that’s why it’s stopped.

OP posts:
Original poster
PushpullPushPull · 20/08/2021 09:02

I feel she is game playing.
Push pull push pull.

OP posts:
Babymamamama · 20/08/2021 09:08

I would have a chat with her and say you feel she doesn’t like you so you’re going to take a step back and focus on other things and let yours and her partner crack on with their friendship without all these additional dynamics.

BeachDrifting · 20/08/2021 09:09

My advice is to stop trying. Start focusing on plans with other people. Be super polite to her but do not commit to any plans unless it involves other women so you can avoid her. She has ptsd and big issues and she’s taking it all out on you. Don’t be her whipping boy. Be polite and friendly. Don’t contact first. Don’t share any personal info. Build other relationships. If she’s nasty then stick up for yourself. If she’s nasty then call her out “there’s no need to be nasty”

Dozer · 20/08/2021 09:21

Doesn’t matter much what Jane does/says to others about you/DH

You seem to have made the decision to end your friendship with Jane. So do that, in whatever way you think best.

JonahofArk · 20/08/2021 09:30

I agree with the other posters about leaving Jane to it.

If you do want to continue the friendship in some way, then I would tackle her head-on. So the next time you are at her house and she makes a snide comment, ask her why she is making that comment. If she is giving you dirty looks, ask her why. In front of everyone. If it continues, then ask her why she even wants to be friends because it doesn't seem like she likes you very much.

Be clear and direct and put her on the spot so that she has to explain herself. I would do this in front of whoever you are with-not with her alone because that way she can't twist the situation.

I would do a lot of:

'What do you mean by that comment?'
'Why are you directing your anger at me when all of us were making noise?'
'Are you okay with me being here because it seems like you're angry with me?' And so on.

Mamette · 20/08/2021 09:30

Jane contacts us to ask why we’ve not been in contact with them

Well that’s an opportunity for honesty, why not take it? Or if you can’t do that, fob her off with excuses but either way, stop making new plans.

TheFeistyFeminist · 20/08/2021 09:33

If Jane asks, tell her that it feels to you like she's carrying some hurt from a time in your life when you both needed someone to lean on but sadly couldn't be there for each other. If she minimises what you went through gently call her out on it. Like, neither of you know what it's like to deal with what the other one went through, but you don't see that as a reason to make the friendship difficult now. If she wants to call it a day, that's up to her.

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