Would this irritate you?

[stressyseptember]

Probably one for AIBU but ... Dp wears tee shirts with images on - as in like Marvel Comic characters. I have never liked this tbh but lately it's started to irritate me to the point I'm wondering if it's about to trigger the ick. If I'm honest, I think it's a tad puerile. He's 40. I'm 46.

Now, I'm someone who just doesn't do this and never have. I don't see the need to parade that I like a brand or tv/film or for it to define me in some way. I don't buy branded clothing either where the brand name is highly visible.

Of course, he can wear what he wants. I still don't like it. I suspect he's never going to stop and (in my mind) 'grow up'. I suspect, too, I'm being unreasonable to be irritated.

I never say anything to him though I do tell him when I think he's looking nice (and invariably this is when he's wearing plain tee shirts).

So, to gauge the extent of my own (possible) unreasonableness, would this irritate you in a relationship?

@stressyseptember

I* think this is more related to the fact that you say that he won't ever 'grow up'. What's the real ick? * This has made me think. There are, of course, other things that irk me. He can be stubborn, defensive and a little argumentative at times. However, so can I. I think relationships are not perfect so we rub along and resolve those things when they come up.

He's 'adult' in loads of ways that my ex wasn't. He can organise things, stand his ground and make his point clearly to others when needs be, is confident socially, knows a lot of stuff, etc. My ex was a man-child.

He's into film, archive telly, gaming and I guess these type of tee shirts are common to that culture. It's just very far removed from where I am culturally - Radio 4, walks, gardening, massage, eating out, wine.

Now, he does come on walks with me - because he knows I love it and he has helped construct things in the garden (a pond, greenhouse) but it definitely is something he's doing for me rather than a genuine interest. Similarly, I'll go to places where he wants to visit as it's been the film location or whatever.

He's great with my kids - older teenagers and supports them in lots of ways. When he's with me, he regularly tells me he loves me, brings small presents, says my body is lovely (it's 2 stone overweight at the moment). All good stuff there.

We don't live together but see each other at weekends. Been together 4 years.

I do wonder if there's longevity in relationships where there are genuinely no common interests.
What 'binds' us - or has in the past as this past year has been beset with other unrelated problems - is that we laugh together. We banter well as a rule and find the absurdity of life funny.

Ah so this is the real (and interesting) problem and the band T-shirts are just a small symptom!

I also changed my mind about my own answer as I was typing. Initially I thought - I know tons of "opposite" couples. He likes classical music, she likes dance music. She likes arty black-and-white Eastern European films, he likes Marvel adaptations. She likes sci-fi books, he likes philosophy. He's outdoorsy, she's bookish. But actually all of them still have an identifying THING they have in common and do together. The first couple do a lot of activism together and even though they don't have the same music taste, they still bond over the fact they're both passionate about music. The second couple are both huge foodies.

Also a lot of couples take on their partner's interests - not to change who they are but in a more organic way. I play chess with DP - before I met him I hadn't played since school, if we were to split I wouldn't go out of my way to play it, but I enjoy playing with him immensely except when he wins. Same applies to him and my sport. I don't think there's necessarily a clear dividing line between "something I do because it's my own passion" and "something I only do because my partner likes it" - the latter can range from things I do under sufferance to things I also enjoy, if perhaps not to the same extent as DP.

I think the key would be to fully respect your DP's interests and to embrace your differences. If someone's an interesting person to me, I'm interested in what makes them tick, if you see what I mean? So while I might not be into Marvel comics myself, I'd be interested in what he gets out of them in a meta way. It's also important for you to have good friends you can do your interests with (if they're not solo), so you're not dragging your partner around all the time.

Also you have to think about what you mean by longevity and what you want this relationship to become. When you move in together, the other person's interests are always present in a way that they're not when you live apart. You'll hear the music they like and see the films they watch, you'll also have more time to decide what to do together on a daily basis.

From your posts I would say that your view of his interests as childish and slightly beneath you is not a great starting point. However your mutual sense of humour and obvious thoughtfulness about each other is a rock-solid foundation to navigate all the above - good luck!

I'm 37 and wear marvel tshirts.

@ gannet

'... before I met him I hadn't played [chess] since school, if we were to split I wouldn't go out of my way to play it, but I enjoy playing with him immensely...*'
*
Yes, I do get this. And, despite previously not understanding anything about cricket, I went to a day-long match with him the other day because he wanted to go and found myself actually really enjoying it and would go again (though I do know Marvel stuff will never have any appeal to me).

I also see what you mean by being interested in what makes him tick. Far better to have someone who is passionate about something than vanilla about everything.

I think you are at rush of losing a really good and decent man over snobbery and being uppity - he's not where I am culturally.
I would place higher value on other things such as support to your son. Valuing you.
Practical help

I have a friend who left her boyfriend for similar reasons and has regretted it since.

Risk (not rush)

It would not bother me I my Fiance wore that kind of top. He wears band t shirts a lot with big boots etc. I too wear what I want. I don't think your partner is doing any harm wearing marvel t shirts.

It sounds like overall you have a very good relationship. The t-shirts wouldn't bother me personally enough to cancel out all of the good things you have.

As for interests, I think it's good to have some overlap, but there's nothing wrong with having things you're perfectly happy doing because your partner enjoys them and you want to spend time together WITHOUT that being one of your own hobbies. Having different interests also expands your horizons!

You can encourage him by saying what you think suits him or what you like seeing him in, but as long as he's capable of (or open to guidance on) dressing appropriately for whatever events or activities you do together, I wouldn't see his wardrobe as an issue :)

Wow, imagine the comments if a man was saying some of these things, that they were telling them they when they could wear certain items or subtly replacing their clothes with things they prefer.
If it was something he wore before he's not going to change just because he's older lol

Telling their girlfriends or wives I meant to say

wouldnt bother me but them im the 44 year old that wears the disney pjs from primark

The T-shirt thing sounds relatively minor, but I wonder if your irritation at this is actually a symptom of something more deep seated? Only you can know this, and you’ve said generally positive things about him otherwise, but maybe it’s something to think about.
I was in a long-term relationship once when, suddenly one morning, I realised I hated his slippers. They were sort of “old man” slippers and we were in our 20’s. I was watching him making a cup of tea wearing those slippers, and realised I had to end it with him. It obviously wasn’t really about the slippers at all, but in a way that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

'suddenly one morning, I realised I hated his slippers. They were sort of “old man” slippers and we were in our 20’s'

My ex was like this. Wry smile at me having swopped someone who's old before his time to someone whom I perceive as younger than his age. Hmmm ... food for thought there.

Ok to be devil's advocate here.......

Superheros are not childish or naïve.
I have a fine art degree and love superheros.

We listen to radio6, radio4 and radio1 xtra for the kids mainly.

I garden, enjoy sweeping landscapes on walks but like fairgrounds and fresh donuts.

I can high brow argue culture arguments with anyone, see the influence in a renaissance painting and be aghast that Black Panther didn't win best Oscar.

I love Calvin and Hobbes and Raphael.

The Mr knows almost every word to every cypress hill song and has grade 8 classical violin.

Passion is great whatever it is.
Life is full of colour and differences.

Look up Robert Feynman or xkcd. So much philosophy is hidden in superhero or star wars movies.

I buy my Mr logo t-shirts. I also cook Mexican from scratch, research blackcurrant bushes to plant, draw and paint, do jigsaws and teach the kids how to spray paint graffiti, go camping at dark sky fields chasing the milky way, sing Cyndi Lauper songs in tutus (much to their disapproval), build Harry potter Lego sets and insist our robot baby yoda is mine.

I have been face down in mud at a dance festival and dressed up to the nines at the High Commissioner of India's Diwali banquet. The mud was much more fun!

Don't be a culture snob, it's nonsense.

Blimey, I'm 45yr old f & I wear Superman t-shirts, Pink Floyd Dark side of the moon etc... I don't see the issue with it.
I suspect there are a number of factors annoying you - not just his wardrobe choice..

frozendaisy well, aren't you Everywoman.

I can do cultural theory just as well as you, if I'd a mind to. I've lectured on it at HE level for a number of years so am quite knowledgeable about its theoretical underpinning. Of course, cultural value is relative, subjective and semantically diverse. I don't have an issue with that.

However, that is not my point. The issue is the difference between us, as matched (or not) partners. That he values a culture and I value another in terms of interests. That's all.

No-one is being a cultural snob here actually.

Dump him then. Find someone more suited let him do the same.

And you are being a snob you used the word puerile in your original post. Indicating his clothing is childish in your opinion.

So dump him for someone with more grown-up clothing problem solved.

Just responding to what you wrote down.

I'm 38 and I wear whatever the hell I want lol marvel , disney ect love a bit of marvel merch

The majority of men written about on here are total shits and the OP should LTB.

Yours sound like a good one. Don't let his t-shirts ruin a good relationship.

Yeah that would put me off. When dp wears his football top it puts me off him.

I do sort of agree with you OP that fan tshirts, along with slogan ones, are best left to the young.

I'm into metal and cult TV and mature reader comics and football. Up til my 30s I had very few tshirts that weren't band shirts (preferably for tours I'd been to), Red Dwarf or X-Files, The Sandman, or a selection of Tottenham Hotspur home and away kits, 1971-1999.

Then I got married and had a child and one day at playground pickup I looked around and thought "I'm the only person wearing a shirt with Krytens face on it... Do I look a twat?" So I asked my DH. And he said, "You wear whatever you like my darling." And I said "Do I look like a twat though?" And he said, "Well, some people might think so." Clearly he did but was far too kind to say 😂 From that day on I didn't stop wearing them but I just gradually replaced them with clothes that I still enjoyed but were more suited to my life at that time (I was on a good career track.) Then I lost a significant amount of weight and I just never bought any more.

I think a large part of wearing those shirts was a feeling that I didn't belong in the mainstream world - it was a signal to other like minded weirdos, hey, fellow weirdo here! Want to be friends? I could have gone down the goth or punk route (although punk was dead by then really) but I wasn't into those music scenes.

And of course the footie shirts were a tribal thing. Again, it's creating a signal to "my people", with the added bonus of making sure everyone knows you're a REAL fan, not some dilettante. Virtue signalling, in a way!

Anyway...

Would this habit irritate me in a 40yr old man? Yeah, maybe a bit? But not enough for me to say anything about it, if he had the good qualities that you've said your fella has. He sounds kind and thoughtful, which by far outweighs any dodgy fashion choices!

He's not that different from you culturally. It's just his hero narratives and sagas are retold by people like Stan Lee and Steve Englehart rather than Homer or Suidas and his monsters are brought to life by Ray Harryhausen, Toho or Industrial Light and Magic, rather than being enacted around a fire and then eventually only surviving in the somewhat singed Nowell Codex. unless you have no interest in such boring ancient tales either

It's still possible to have a crossover in interests - I'd never put Mint into the ground in a herb garden because it's got the regenerative powers of the Hydra's Teeth, for example. Apart from things such as ISIHAC, The Unbelievable Truth or JAM the game we all love to play, I'd rather boil my eyeballs than listen to Radio 4's general pontification shows when I could be listening to something like Luis de Victoria's Magnum Mysterium or the Dead Kennedys.

But then again, I'm biased because when I'm not wearing the oh, so respectable, unpatterned, sensible clothes at work, I'm on my way to the gym for a legs session (can't do the longer walks or runs without strength training - do enough and I run like a T-1000), I'm likely to be wearing a Gojira, Tyrell Corporation or Captain America T Shirt. Or I'm wearing the colours associated with Loki.

The joy of things like Marvel is the way they lift you out of the ordinary and mundane through predominately visual means - which is easy to engender just by seeing another image. You lift yourself with the bouquet and taste of a wine or the appearance of an Acer in October ; it's just a different method of gaining a similar psychological reward.

I think you're devaluing the means by which he accesses fundamentals of human experience whilst aggrandising your own (wine, walking, etc) - if you think you could do better purely on the basis that it makes him smile to put on a t-shirt that carries an image that means something to him, rather than putting one on whose absence of image carries an equal level of symbolism largely class related IMO, I'd have to say that he probably could as well.

Better him and his tee-shirts than some peacock preening himself in designer gear.

I'm currently wearing totoro slippers and an Ant Man T-shirt

Dare I put my Oodie on?

He sounds like a good ‘un. This wouldn’t bother me in the least but I wear Marvel and other character shirts and I’m 50 😊

Sounds like you are more concerned about your different tastes, and the tshirts are just a symptom of this problem