How to come to terms with never "making it"

[25andAlive]

Hello!

I'm just looking to hear some experiences or maybe some advice on this situation. I'm feeling a little lost lately.

I'm 25, turning 26 soon. I have always suffered from anxiety and mild panic attacks but I would say since turning 25 they have become so much more frequent. Its often based on my future plans, money, and successes.

I live a very normal life for a 25-year-old. At least I think so. I am single, I'm not a very sociable person (as in I'm, not a party person/ out every weekend) however I do have friends I can catch up with now and then. I still live at home with my mum and two younger siblings.

I have a decent-paid job but it's not a career, not one I'm happy in any way. I just think my life feels pretty mundane and I worry that this is it for me now, in regards to my job, where I live and I feel like the life that I so often dream about, is simply just that and that it is not achievable for me, no matter how many hours of work I put in or how badly i want it.

I grew up in east London, we didn't come from much, my mum is an incredible woman who raised us on her own. I believe that moulded me into who I am now. I am so proud of myself and my family for what I/we have achieved so far, we no longer struggle financially the way we did when we were children, we aren't wealthy, but we’re okay, we are able to put food on the table and my little sister doesn't go without. To me, it's just not enough. I feel like I should be further than I am, more successful, doing more but don't know where to start.

My job is great and I am so incredibly grateful that I am young, healthy and able to work (i work in marketing). The people that I work with are amazing too but this was never the job I wanted and I am purely doing it for the pay. There is also not much room for growth so I've pretty much hit my limit at the company I'm at. It's a decent salary but it's certainly not enough for me to move out in London, it's barely enough for me to run my car and I often find myself poking into any savings that I do have.

Recently I've also realised how incredibly draining and toxic social media is. I've always prided myself on being a person that supports and is genuinely happy for others, which is always the case but it also makes me resent my own life and wish that it was different or that I had done things differently.

I don't really know what my question is, I guess I want to know if it is normal to feel this way. How do I stop daydreaming about the mansions, holidays, happy / stress-free lifestyles and abundance of money that I see plastered on social media and become happy with my normal little life?

I would like to mention that I don't think there is anything at all wrong with living a "normal" life, it's beautiful and I love seeing others living their lives and being happy. It's just I am failing to see the beauty in MY life at the moment and I'm tired of feeling like a failure.

Thank you.

You're 26, you have a job despite Covid and earn enough to live in London and drive a car. You haven't lost your job or been unemployed since leaving school with no qualifications. You apparently (?) don't have any major health issues preventing you from retraining in another field if your current job is dissatisfying. If you fancied, being 26 and not tied down with a husband and children (?) you could go volunteering or working abroad for a few years and learn a new language to spice up your CV.
At 26 you can't have failed as your adult life has hardly begun. Come back and start a new thread when you're in your 50s with less chance to change things! :)

Get off social media and go and live your real life. It's the only answer. Feel the sun on your back and the wind in your face. Talk to strangers. Help your neighbours. Discover the world. It is glorious and rich and frightening and real.

You're not seeing anyone's life on social media. It's not life. It's not real.

When I was your age social media just didn't exist.

I can absolutely promise you that what you're seeing on social media is fake. Or, if not fake it's a very heavily edited version of the truth.

I'm not going to tell you to quit social media as I don't know how important it is socially etc for a 25 year old, I don't have any use for it really in my life though.... But I am going to tell you to never believe the version of real life people post there.

I'll tell you what a normal life is - it's what you're living. And when you're married (if you wish to be) and have kids (again if you wish to have them).. it's not mansions and stress free life styles.

Life is fucking messy as hell, marriages are complicated and stressful especially when you chuck kids into the question, sleepless nights and stresses over if you're feeding your kids the right thing. Homework dramas, the tooth fairy at the last minute and you don't have a 2 quid coin, fighting siblings pulling hair and hitting each other...arguments with your partner because you're just so exhausted etc. Chronic illnesses (for some of us), baby loss (for some of us) family dramas , anything , everything.

But even with all of the above which is all normal life stuff ... I could post the most PERFECT family picture of my absolutely beautiful children and the husband who I love to bits (but we do fight esp when exhausted), and I could say whatever I fancied about it on insta for anyone to interpret how they like.

Go easy on the social media and well done for having a successful job at such a young age - it might not be enough to move out yet but you should be really proud of yourself :)

Also what's "making it"? Making it according to who?

I have my dream job, the only job I've ever wanted to do and I like to think I'm good at it. But it really doesn't pay a lot at all. But if you asked me if I'd made it? Yes 100% I have but in the least glamorous job un-instagrammable ever! That to me doesn't mean I've any less 'made it" though.

My version of making it doesn't require mansions and fast cars - what does yours require OP? That's what you need to ask yourself, and ask yourself, not insta!

Have you considered Life Coaching? They are quite helpful at making you view your life in accordance with your values and living it rather than aspiring to 'should's' - i.e. I should have a better job, bigger car, flat of my own etc

Have you thought about what you really want out of life? Not mansions etc but really? Do you want to see the world, have a more altruistic career, go to / back to university, volunteer, learn to surf? Whatever it is you can make it happen. Start with some mindfulness practice and listen to some meditations to help you work out your goals, then go for it. Money is no real object to the ideas I've suggested - you could save up to travel, get student finance to retain or find a different job. All up to you!

Good luck!

this was never the job I wanted
I am purely doing it for the pay
not much room for growth
I've pretty much hit my limit at the company I'm at

Mate I think you are just needing a new professional challenge, honestly and feeling a bit stuck in a rut. I bet if you find a new company, bag a promotion, making more money (even if just a little bit) a lot of these feelings will fall away as you will feel like you're moving forward again and making progress. And 100% co-sign stepping away from social media! It's all fake!

I read somewhere that everyone needs something to do, something to love, and something to look forward to - it sounds to me like you don't feel like you have anything to look forward to right now. Can you change this?

Try going a month without social media and see how you feel. In my experience it was so liberating i've no social media accounts. (except on here really if it counts) I realised people are constantly comparing themselves and their lives to completely false and glamourously edited versions of complete strangers lives. What is the point of this? I've never understood it. You are also so young and sound so level-headed so seems to me whatever you decide you'd like to achieve you can. I'd also say don't focus too much on the future because you're missing out on what really is going on in your life at the moment. Have a plan and goals sure but dwelling on the past and trying to live in a 'still to be created future' is such a waste of time. Be 25 and enjoy it i think you're in an enviable situation with so many doors wide open to you.

Hi All,

First of all, WOW, I didn't expect this to blow up as much as it did. Thank you all for taking the time out of your day to reply. I really appreciate it.

@ravenmum You are so right and I know I sound rather silly and ungrateful for all that I do have. I am blessed. You have given me some good ideas in order to step in a better direction. Thank you so much, I appreciate you

@lokomojo You know, I don't do half of those things as much as I should, and it's only when I do that I am reminded of how special they are. I also never realized how much social media can affect you, I only have Instagram and I'm not on it much, but clearly, it sticks in my mind. Thank you x

@namechangeandNC I wish it didn't in my generation too honestly!
You sound incredibly wise and I know everything you have said is very spot on.

I wouldn't say that it is important to me, I only have Instagram and I really don't use it often, I have only previously just re-joined after having deleted it for quite some time. It just feels like everyone is in competition with one another!

I really love the way you worded that and honestly, I have loved every moment of my life, the bumpy roads, the struggles, the illnesses. To me, your life really does sound beautiful. I don't have a partner, it's hard finding someone genuine and really into me for me so I've pushed that to the side for now.

I think my issue is, I want it all now, I want the house, the husband, the job, the children, the dog... you name it. I just feel as though I'm miles off. I think I should probably buy a cat or two for my bedroom in my mum's house (lol) Thank you x

@themuttsnutts Thank you for your comment!! No, i actually haven't but as of recently, it's something that I'm looking into potentially. Have you? would you say it helped?

@JardinVibe Thank you for your words. I don't know why I associate happiness with having money when I know that isn't the case at all.
You make a good point, it is time I sat down and realized exactly what I want from my life rather than just going with the flow and expecting change.

@Xiaoxiong Ah thank you for your reply, it has really resonated with me. I think you nailed it. I have been looking recently at potential new jobs or going back to study. Or both obviously. I haven't made a decision yet but it is something I need to set my focus on.
In regards to having something to look forward to, not so much at the moment. I guess that is something I should also pay attention to.
Thank you, your super x

@Naimee87 I am going to do this, as of today I have to delete it again. I find it all extremely draining, you are so right. I don't understand it either, I like to be real and raw with my situations so I often forget that others can be slightly fabricated.
Thank you for the compliment honestly, I do try to be level-headed and when I focus on something I can make it happen but I just feel like recently I'm muddled.
I have had many people tell me that I focus too much on what's coming rather than what's here, so I need to work on myself with this because I don't want to be one of those people that is never happy nor satisfied. Thank you for commenting x

Thank you again all, for taking the time to advise me.
You all are so spot on and you have all really given me a lot to think about. Sometimes you just need a shake eh?

Im 49 and have the career, a paid off house in a lovely part of the world and never have to worry about money again. I guess from your posting, I have made it!

I am however, single with cats and an 11 DD and have never been more lonely in my life. I have also lost both my parents.

Life isn't about how much money you have or the big house you've got. It's about experiences, memories, friends and having people there to help you through the sad times and join you in the good times These are the most important things in life.

Crikey you're only 25, you could do anything you want.

OK not be a olympic gymnast or top ballerina, and maybe you won't make millions, few people do - but you can go after whatever ambitions you do have or whatever inspires you.

Looking at the title I expected this thread to be from someone in their 50s. If you've already decided that you're not going to make it, you probably wont.

If I was your mum I'd say go travelling. Save up for a ticket and go have an adventure. It's time. Get a working holiday visa.

I know I sound rather silly and ungrateful for all that I do have
Actually, you sound like you under-rate yourself and should be prouder of your achievements.

Any chance of working abroad? Two people I know of around your age have just set off to do that. Or if you do have a dream career in mind, look into making it happen. Go to college, re train etc. It all gets so much harder to do when you get older and encumbered with a mortgage, marriage, kids etc.

At your age, the world is your oyster, but nothing will happen if you don't make plans to make it happen. In my 20s I imagined I could meet anyone, go anywhere, become something glamorous, but it doesn't happen by chance- or very rarely.

@B1rdflyinghigh If I was to be completely transparent with you, yes, your life is what I imagined would bring me happiness. Isn’t that bizarre of me? I didn’t mean to come across as so woe is me and selfish. I will always be great full for what I have because there are others that have it so, so much worse.
I’m sorry that you feel lonely, I do too sometimes. Do you not want to meet anyone?
Thank you for commenting, you sound very clued up and I hope true happiness finds you x

@category12 Thanks for the comment! It tickled me on the train. I didn’t realise I came across so Whiney. You know you go on social media and you see people, teenagers even that are successful and I guess it just distracts you from what’s really important… x

@SeaShoreGalore You make a good point, I do think this too sometimes. I need to work on myself.

Guineapigbridge Travelling is a dream of mine! The only reason I still live at home is due to my mum having health issues and suffering with seizures so I feel upping and leaving would be so unfair to leave my mum and younger siblings:.. thank you .

@category12 Thanks for the comment! It tickled me on the train. I didn’t realise I came across so Whiney. You know you go on social media and you see people, teenagers even that are successful and I guess it just distracts you from what’s really important… x

Sorry When you're twice your age (nearly ) like me you can whine about not making it. And even then you'd be a bit previous - I have mates in their late 40s who are just starting to sell their books and things. So sorry to be a bit "you're so young you've barely started life!" on you, but, um, you are .

Grab it, live it, go after things.

You need a promotion.

I don’t know how careers in marketing work - nor what sort of qualifications you have, but I’d suggest a period of study leading to an upgrade in your CV.

Honestly, honestly, at 25 pretty much everything in the world is still possible. You just can’t see it right now.

There are hundreds of threads here from women in their 50s starting first or postgrad degrees ...

(Btw you’re not required to reply to every single post individually!)

You've only been an adult for 7 years. You've (hopefully) got another FIFTY at least to be an adult yet!
Give yourself a break. Find a goal and work towards it. As long as you don't give up, you're moving closer to it!

OP yes, I did a few years ago. I am still in my crappy job but it's made me realise that high powered and corporate isn't me. I hate stress and am very susceptible to it. However, I do want to use my skills - maybe do something more interesting, altruistic

OP you mention not really using social media that much and I'm very similar. But the images are everywhere - advertising billboards by the road, glossy magazines promoting latest fashions or make-up, even our nearest and dearest with their latest house or haircut or car or whatever.

It's only since last year that I've started to really understand what subliminal advertising is. And what impact it had on me - my values, my lifestyle, the goals I was working towards in my career etc.

It already sounds like you're reflecting on that a bit. Once you understand your values, you can try and live them.

I recommend (if you have Netflix and the time) watching the Minimalists documentary. Since watching it last year it has honestly made me do a 180 on what I value, what I consider a 'good life' to mean, and my own views on 'making it'. An example from the documentary which I love and have said on MN before - the 'dream forever home' for some people is a big kitchen with an island or breakfast bar, with room for a table and chairs in, and then a separate dining room. The average person would have to walk very fast between bites to eat their meal in all 3 places.

At 25 I was single, unemployed after losing yet another crappy job, living with my mum and on antidepressants. Fast forward to 35 and my life is unrecognizable - in a good way!

25 is so young OP you have it all ahead of you though it doesn't seem that way.

I saw this today and think it's appropriate here OP

My first piece of advice would be to delete Instagram app off your phone (you can keep your account). You’ll magically feel better in 2-3 days.

Second piece of advice is to realise you are SO YOUNG! I started working when I was 26 and am in a really fulfilling career now. So on the career front all is not lost. And marketing is a career, maybe you’ve reached your limit in your current role but there are so many ways to segue marketing into a job that earns 6 figures with amazing bonuses. I would get myself thinking about career next steps and talk to people in careers you’re interested in and ask them about their career journey - I get LinkedIn requests for these types of convos and am always happy to chat to people.

Third thing is, start thinking about what kind of content you consume. Less social media and content that makes you compare yourself and sucks the motivation out of you (comparison is the thief of all joy) and more content that expands your world view and makes you see all of the amazing things people have achieved from much worse positions than you.

Some podcasts I love are “from scratch” and “HBR ideacast” and start listening to Ted talks as well.

It’s natural to question the meaning of life and it’s easy to get despondent no matter how many trappings of success you have. It’s up to you to make sure you’re feeding your brain and soul with content that lifts you up.

You’ve got so much ahead of you and can really do anything with your life, stop comparing yourself to others (who have struggles you know nothing about) and start turning some of your dreams into reality .

It’s so tough for young people these days with the cost of housing and 25, despite being young, is a difficult age in terms of settling down.

But life isn’t a movie. No one is watching you or judging you. Do the best you can to achieve the things you can and anything else that comes to you is a bonus.

You sound like a lovely person. The way you write shows that you have lots of empathy and don’t take anything for granted. On that front I’d say you were already winning at life