How to come to terms with never "making it"

[25andAlive]

Hello!

I'm just looking to hear some experiences or maybe some advice on this situation. I'm feeling a little lost lately.

I'm 25, turning 26 soon. I have always suffered from anxiety and mild panic attacks but I would say since turning 25 they have become so much more frequent. Its often based on my future plans, money, and successes.

I live a very normal life for a 25-year-old. At least I think so. I am single, I'm not a very sociable person (as in I'm, not a party person/ out every weekend) however I do have friends I can catch up with now and then. I still live at home with my mum and two younger siblings.

I have a decent-paid job but it's not a career, not one I'm happy in any way. I just think my life feels pretty mundane and I worry that this is it for me now, in regards to my job, where I live and I feel like the life that I so often dream about, is simply just that and that it is not achievable for me, no matter how many hours of work I put in or how badly i want it.

I grew up in east London, we didn't come from much, my mum is an incredible woman who raised us on her own. I believe that moulded me into who I am now. I am so proud of myself and my family for what I/we have achieved so far, we no longer struggle financially the way we did when we were children, we aren't wealthy, but we’re okay, we are able to put food on the table and my little sister doesn't go without. To me, it's just not enough. I feel like I should be further than I am, more successful, doing more but don't know where to start.

My job is great and I am so incredibly grateful that I am young, healthy and able to work (i work in marketing). The people that I work with are amazing too but this was never the job I wanted and I am purely doing it for the pay. There is also not much room for growth so I've pretty much hit my limit at the company I'm at. It's a decent salary but it's certainly not enough for me to move out in London, it's barely enough for me to run my car and I often find myself poking into any savings that I do have.

Recently I've also realised how incredibly draining and toxic social media is. I've always prided myself on being a person that supports and is genuinely happy for others, which is always the case but it also makes me resent my own life and wish that it was different or that I had done things differently.

I don't really know what my question is, I guess I want to know if it is normal to feel this way. How do I stop daydreaming about the mansions, holidays, happy / stress-free lifestyles and abundance of money that I see plastered on social media and become happy with my normal little life?

I would like to mention that I don't think there is anything at all wrong with living a "normal" life, it's beautiful and I love seeing others living their lives and being happy. It's just I am failing to see the beauty in MY life at the moment and I'm tired of feeling like a failure.

Thank you.

There is nothing wrong with questioning what you are doing with your life, and nothing wrong with dreams of a mansion (or two) . You seem to have plenty of skills and you already know your current role isn’t really ‘you’. Great. That’s somewhere to start. What fulfils you? What do you enjoy? What are your values? Start from there and work up. Being young and single gives you freedom to make a big change if you want. You could decide you will stick to your job for a specified period of time whilst saving up to travel, for example. Or save up whilst researching roles that would be more ‘you’. You may find that what’s fulfilling isn’t likely to earn you a mansion. I found my ‘dream’ job way later in life than you and I earn bobbins at it, live in a nice house but not a mansion and am happy with that.

You're 25! Most of your adult life is ahead of you. The world is laid out in front of you. Life can be hard, I know. You have to be willing to work hard to 'make it' career-wise. Think about your aims and goals, and not all financial / career-related. Try volunteeing, retraining, travelling, new hobbies, something creative - it's actually really exciting to be young, single and without dependants. Have an open mind. And avoid social media - it isn't real!

We’re the same age! Don’t bother with dating for now, instead throw your energy into your career. What do you want to do? What qualifications do you have, what can you get? It sounds like you also need a pep talk of how to get yourself a better salary and more respect at work, as silly as it sounds read lean in or one of those books. A marketing career in London is one where you absolutely can rise fast, but also one where you can easily be taken advantage of by a rouge employer.

Also: it’s good at 25 to be distatisfied with your life. Turn that into a powder keg of energy to get where you want to be, don’t bother trying to learn to be “happy” in a job that’s not your eventual career. Aim higher for yourself, set yourself up for where you want to be.

Please, please, please stop comparing your life to those you see online.

If you look at my SM I have a fabulous career, a great relationship, eat out at great restaurants, play musical instruments travel the world, have a fiance etc etc.

What it doesn't show is that I have multiple chronic health issues that leave me barely able to function, I have strong anti depressants due to said conditions, I only have a few friends and ultimately I'm very lonely, I hate traveling so much as I'm a home bird and lockdown has reinforced that.

You can't compare the curated highlights of someone's life with your reality. It will make you miserable.

Plus, you are only young. I've completely changed my life from who I was at your age (5 years ago).

Oh, and I'm really really fat due to weight gain from one of my illnesses. All the photos on my profile are carefully chosen to not show that.

Assuming you don't have a life-limiting illness you've not mentioned, if you had completed everything you wanted to do with your life by the age of 25, what on earth would you do for the next 70 years?

The "successful" famous people you read about in the media are written about precisely because they're exceptions. For instance, there are millions of people living in the UK, only a teeny tiny number competed at the Olympics this year - that doesn't mean the rest of the population has failed at life. It is the nature of a competition, it would be pretty tedious if each country sent hundreds of thousands of people or there were hundreds of thousands of categories to capture all the different talents people have.

Keep things in perspective, eh?

I used to say I had a mid life crisis at 25! Feeling a bit dissatisfied and left behind comparing myself to friends. And I didn't have social media to contend with.

Have a read of this article.

waitbutwhy.com/2013/09/why-generation-y-yuppies-are-unhappy.html

I found it a really useful explanation for any age group about the gap between expectation, reality and happiness. And in fact at 25 you are just a Generation Y/millennial. It was written some years ago but I feel it's still relevant and useful starting point for thinking about how to reflect on and adjust our expectations in order to learn to be more content with what we have rather than what we don't, whilst still having drive and striving for success in what we want to achieve.

I would love to meet someone. I am truly disillusioned about the men on dating sites after 5 years! My boundaries are high....seems ain't no-one getting in!

I'm sure my time will come, when all the stars are aligned. Fingers crossed!

What comes through in your post is that you sound like you have some really decent coping mechanisms to try and deal with these emotions - you count your blessings and you are aware of the benefits of your current situations. That's good.

I just think my life feels pretty mundane and I worry that this is it for me now, in regards to my job, where I live and I feel like the life that I so often dream about, is simply just that and that it is not achievable for me, no matter how many hours of work I put in or how badly i want it

Life IS mundane OP. You know those vlogs of people on Youtube where they show you where they live and their extraordinary lives? There must be Instagram accounts like that too. That dream-like space you enter when you see or watch that content isn't their life. It feels dreamy and lovely because it's on screen and you're detached from it. The have moments of joy but a lot of their lives is actually very mundane.

This because life is actually meant to feel like that, as boring as it gets sometimes. I don't believe as human beings we are meant to sustain an emotionally highlighted state for a long time, but people grasp at it all the the time, believe they can shed themselves of this mundaneness.

Do you actually want success and why? What is it that you really want? Acknowledgment from your family or peers? Admiration? Attention? Money? Respect?

Would you be able to afford more things if you moved out of London and would you want to do that?

How do I stop daydreaming about the mansions, holidays, happy / stress-free lifestyles and abundance of money that I see plastered on social media and become happy with my normal little life

Stop going on social media, especially Instagram. It's incredibly good at knowing EXACTLY the type of content you want to see, down to the colours that you like and all sort of things. Stop liking posts if you can because a lot of their recommendations are based on that. Delete or close your account if you can. Take a break for a while, and when you think you're ready, start fresh and stop liking pictures of mansions and things like that.

The only reason I still live at home is due to my mum having health issues and suffering with seizures so I feel upping and leaving would be so unfair to leave my mum and younger siblings

You need to have a conversation with your mum about this. Does she actually want you to still live with her? If this is not addressed soon, you might end up sacrificing your entire life to become her carer. Do you want a partner or children? How exactly would you do that if you're still living with your mum? It's also time for your siblings to step-up if they're not already doing so .

@SeaShoreGalore

Looking at the title I expected this thread to be from someone in their 50s. If you've already decided that you're not going to make it, you probably wont.

I think that's true BUT thankfully I think the OP is only worried that she might reach that stage. She still has time to change her life.

If you want more out of life, you need a plan. Do you have a plan of where you want to be? What do you want to achieve in 5 years? 10 years?

I started work age 22 after going to uni. By age 25 I had only just started thinking about my future. I studied, got more qualifications and at age 28 took a big gamble by changing career and moving to a new country. Gamble paid off and I had a great time living abroad. At age 30 I was a bit more ready to settle down, but changed jobs again. At age 32 I moved countries again. I got married at 33, bought my first house age 34 and had children at 35 and 37. I'm now 43 and a completely different person from my 25year old self. I expect by age 63 I'll have a lot more stories to tell too! Hopefully by age 83 I will look back on my life with pleasure. Life can change in many unexpected ways, and its up to you to make the most of the opportunities available. I wish you very good luck for your next 5 years and beyond!

I get it OP. I always had an image on where I would be by my 30s. Then when I got to my 30s I realised I was worrying for nothing and relaxed and enjoyed life more.

I know lots of people who "had it all" at 25 and then lost it all by their 40s. About 75% of friend's relationships have now ended in divorce/separation/death. Even one couple I know who seemingly have the perfect life have problems with their kids and recently lost a lot of family members thanks to covid.

You're still young and you still have time to live.

I was on holiday for 2 weeks and had my phone off for 2 weeks, no social media, no dating apps etc. I couldn't believe how light my life felt. You'll always have more than others and less than others. Try and stop overthinking this and focus on yourself. Also, counselling or life coaching can also help put a different spin on things.

You live at home - get to college and retrain.

1. Switch off social media

1. What are you gaining from your current life? Feeling comfortable (but not challenged) in life can stop us from growing and expanding. The thoughts that you are having are the start of change, it is giving you motivation to start something new.

1. If you could wake up tomorrow and you had ‘made’ it, what would that look like for you? Start with one area at a time - What would your career look like if you had ‘made’ it?

qz-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/qz.com/2049935/what-does-a-good-life-look-like/amp/?amp_gsa=1&amp_js_v=a6&usqp=mq331AQIKAGwASCAAgM%3D#amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&aoh=16296154895331&csi=0&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fqz.com%2F2049935%2Fwhat-does-a-good-life-look-like%2F

I found my 20s hard.

Sounds like your mental health has worsened recently? Suggest seeking help with that, and doing the ‘self help’ things like exercise, sleep, eating well. That will help with other things.

Most people don’t love their jobs and mainly do them to pay bills, but there’re still some good elements to be had from work. Agree with PPs that sounds like it’d be good to apply for a new job elsewhere, on higher pay if possible!

This is so normal! I think that there is a competitive lens applied to younger people which becomes less applicable in the 40s and 50s, but it's still there so just learn to tune it out!

Some people never learn what's important but you sound like you have a real headstart. You're only in your mid 20s and you're already figuring out that ''Status'' and ''Social media'' ruin a lot of people's happiness.

this was never the job I wanted

What do you want to do with your life? You're only 25 - go and do it!