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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've finally ended it but he says it's all my fault

42 replies

beingsunny · 19/08/2021 11:28

So I've been with my partner 6 years, we each have a child from previous marriages.

I'm so lonely in the relationship and after a fall out on Sunday I have finally (now my son has gone to his dads for a few days) sat down to have a serious conversation about what do we both want.

He says all the problems between us are entirely on me, that I'm angry and passive agressive and horrible. None of the problems are ours and he isn't responsible for any of the issues we have had over the last year.

How do you know if they are right?

He is so adamant that everything is because of me that I'm starting to wonder if he's right.

I've talked to friends about some of the difficulties we have had but I'm wondering now are they telling me it's not right because I'm telling my side? I like to think when i talk I'm being reasonable and not looking for confirmation that I'm right, and trying to look at both sides.

At this point I don't think it even matters that much because we can't seem to reconcile our differences but I'm so sad about what we once had.

Could he be right? Could I be the cause of everything and not be able to see it?

OP posts:
Wnikat · 19/08/2021 11:32

It's possible but unlikely. This is textbook gaslighting. He's making you doubt your own perception of events. Just bin him off as soon as possible. He sounds toxic.

InkieNecro · 19/08/2021 11:33

It doesn't matter what he thinks anymore.

I know that isn't what you asked and you know that, but you can stop wasting your time on his thoughts and behaviours now.

Original poster
beingsunny · 19/08/2021 11:40

Thank you for your replies, and you are right. And I told him this evening that none of the detail really matters anymore. We are both clearly unhappy,

But he really has made me question myself and my behaviour, he has always said this, I even had Councelling to deal with it at the beginning of the year, he thinks my expectations are too high, in some instances they were perhaps but in most he has many issues that I can't reconcile.

Imagine a relationship of six years where he hasn't once told you he loves you.

I'm feeling quite sad that we couldn't make it work, I feel very isolated , 11 weeks into Lo known, all my family are in the uk and so I can't visit them (I'm in sydney).

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 19/08/2021 11:40

Its done now. Its over. Walk away. He can't create the drama if you don't respond to it.

None of it matters any more.

I know it's hard as we all need to rant but there's no point in ending it to just get sucked back into all the crap.

Don't waste a secind more of your precious time trying to work him out.

Original poster
beingsunny · 19/08/2021 11:44

You're right, I'm just tired for today. I've asked him to leave, and said I need us to make plans for that to happen and he said he wilMove out in November Confused obviously that doesn't work we live in a tiny apartment and are in lockdown so here all the time. I will tackle it again tomorrow with more gusto.

OP posts:
Hen2018 · 19/08/2021 11:48

Why is he still with you if you are that awful?

Orgasmagorical · 19/08/2021 11:54

Why November? Fuck that Angry

It's not you, it's him. As PP said he's gaslighting you. As well as controlling if he's stating he won't leave until November. Is there Women's Aid or similar in Sydney? It sounds like you could do with some support Flowers

Theunamedcat · 19/08/2021 11:56

Whose name is the apartment in do you have a legal recourse to remove him or is it joint? Can you move and turnover the tenancy to him?

Naunet · 19/08/2021 12:31

He is so adamant that everything is because of me that I'm starting to wonder if he's right

Well if it’s true, he should be delighted you’ve broken up with him, god knows why he didn’t do it himself 🙄

I highly doubt it’s all on you OP, the very fact that you’re considering if it could be true, shows that you listen to him and take onboard what he’s saying. Meanwhile he refuses to examine his behaviour at all. I think that tells us a lot.

Anordinarymum · 19/08/2021 12:34

What are you specifically doing that is so bad OP. Can you tell us?

Original poster
beingsunny · 19/08/2021 13:31

He says that I'm always angry, that I'm passive aggressive and have too high expectations of him.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 19/08/2021 13:33

Could it be that he causes some of it? Could it be that he is pushing your buttons?

SarahBellam · 19/08/2021 13:39

You’re angry because he’s shit/lazy/rude. You’re passive aggressive because you know that no matter what you say to him it doesn’t make a jot of difference, you have normal expectations of a partner - he fails to meet them because he gaslights and blames you for everything. He is likely to blame for lots of this. You will both be so much happier without each other. Why does he have to wait until November? That’s months away. He could be gone by the end of August.

Original poster
beingsunny · 19/08/2021 13:39

Yes, he goads me into being angry and reacting. But he tells me nobody is able to make you feel that way, you should be in control of your own emotions and I have to own it.

OP posts:
citycitycity · 19/08/2021 13:40

@beingsunny

He says that I'm always angry, that I'm passive aggressive and have too high expectations of him.
Are these ‘high expectations’ actually normal expectations that he just can’t be bothered to do?
Original poster
beingsunny · 19/08/2021 13:41

Thanks @SarahBellam you're right, I don't see why he wants to drag it out, I've told him I need a clear plan and timeframe because I need to give clarity and certainty to my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
beingsunny · 19/08/2021 13:44

So I do have high expectations of people, and of myself, not that I think they fall into the ridiculous area. But I've said it about myself to nice and he has used it as a stick to beat me with ever since.

I know I'm doing the right thing asking him to leave, I just need some support right now while I'm wavering and he's is pushing me into questioning myself.

Regardless, it's not working for either of us so why won't he leave?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 19/08/2021 13:45

Can you leave?

IceLace100 · 19/08/2021 13:49

Imagine a relationship of six years where he hasn't once told you he loves you.

This says it all. You made the right decision!!

Purplewithred · 19/08/2021 13:49

What's the financial/home owning/tenancy setup?

ravenmum · 19/08/2021 14:16

@beingsunny

Yes, he goads me into being angry and reacting. But he tells me nobody is able to make you feel that way, you should be in control of your own emotions and I have to own it.
When he says "in control of your emotions", he means "not complaining about my shitty behaviour", is that correct?

Of course you can be angry about someone else acting like shit. That's not losing control of your emotions, it's expressing them.

You are leaving him because you are not satisfied, so he's pissed off and defending himself. That's all.
If you were so crap, he'd have left you.

You're used to looking to him for support as he was your partner and that's how it normally works (in theory). You need to get used to the new situation in which he's your opponent.

Pinkbonbon · 19/08/2021 15:22

Even if it were the case, it would still mean that you clearly are not compatable.

Why would you want to be with someone who makes your stressy and angry?

I would just go "you know what, you're right, I dont like me when I'm with you. So clearly you are not the man for me (so take a hike asshole)'.

Honestly though, it just sounds like he is a nasty piece of work who wants you too focussed on changing you rather than noticing he is the one with the big massive red flag issues.

You dont need any other reason to end things other than 'this relationship does not make me happy'. Nor does he have to agree with you ending things or the reasons why. Dont waste your energy trying to explain why his shitty behaviour is shitty. He knows, he just doesn't want you to know he knows (and just doesn't care).

Orgasmagorical · 19/08/2021 18:50

Regardless, it's not working for either of us so why won't he leave?

Because he wants to be in control. You asking him to leave is not allowing him to do things his way.

All the confusion you are feeling is what he wants. He doesn't want you to have the headspace to see what he's actually doing to you. He wants you to stay hanging on, trying to work out how to keep him happy, until he's ready to move on to his next victim.

HappyintheHills · 19/08/2021 18:59

So he would like you to lower your expectations and won’t say he loves you?
Fuck that.
Could you move elsewhere?

layladomino · 19/08/2021 19:02

Please stay strong. You are clearly not happy with him. I sense that he wants to be on control, in the right, the one to call the shots. He isn't happy that you are saying you want out. He's trying to make you doubt yourself. He'd rather you were pathetic, needy, begging him to forgive you.

Please stay strong and insist he leaves sooner. And then distract yourself as best you can and grey rock him.

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