I've finally ended it but he says it's all my fault

[beingsunny]

So I've been with my partner 6 years, we each have a child from previous marriages.

I'm so lonely in the relationship and after a fall out on Sunday I have finally (now my son has gone to his dads for a few days) sat down to have a serious conversation about what do we both want.

He says all the problems between us are entirely on me, that I'm angry and passive agressive and horrible. None of the problems are ours and he isn't responsible for any of the issues we have had over the last year.

How do you know if they are right?

He is so adamant that everything is because of me that I'm starting to wonder if he's right.

I've talked to friends about some of the difficulties we have had but I'm wondering now are they telling me it's not right because I'm telling my side? I like to think when i talk I'm being reasonable and not looking for confirmation that I'm right, and trying to look at both sides.

At this point I don't think it even matters that much because we can't seem to reconcile our differences but I'm so sad about what we once had.

Could he be right? Could I be the cause of everything and not be able to see it?

If you are that awful then he would not have moved in with you surely. Is it your mortgage / your tenancy? Change the locks?

It doesn't matter what he thinks anymore. this

added to which why had he stayed with you if you were tis person he makes you out to be? bit strange don't you think.....

It doesn't matter who's in the wrong, you want to end the relationship so end it.

What is the housing situation, is it rented, mortgage, who's name is on it?

People who come across as angry and passive aggressive all the time never recognise it so the claims of him gaslighting you are pretty knee jerk and typical. Women are wrong and behave badly as often as men.

What do you mean by he goads you?

He’s right that your response is still your decision.

Only you and he really know the truth but it’s clearly over so try and look forward and deal with the practicalities.

Op, it's likely he is projecting.If he was sure it was you he would have happily left.

It's typical of abusive men that he make themselves the blameless victim. I would recommend you read The verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. It may help to clarify what's going on.

@AnneLovesGilbert, the op has tried to sit down calmly and discuss issues but his response is to blame her completely. That's why this feels off.

So the apartment is in both names (rented) but I have lived here several years before he moved in and I added him to the lease.

We agreed he will be the one to move out, most of the furniture and appliances are mine.

I need a clear plan and expectations to tell my son what's happening, it's just the worst timing.

And yes I think most of you are right in that it's about control rather than perhaps he doesn't want it to end.

One of the biggest barriers was his inability to communicate, and it's so deep rooted in him that I know he can't change. He has chronic pain which he hasn't been doing anything to improve but taking lots of heavy medication.

I wonder if he's actually depressed but it's not my problem now.

I'm fairly sure it's not all me, sadly I can see parallels in the way he describes me to the way he told of his ex wife.

I'm certainly not perfect and I've put a great deal more distance between us this year. For me the trust has gone, I don't feel like he's there for me in any way. He upped and left after a row last year just before Christmas, two weeks of zero contact, he took our car, didn't pay rent or bills until he returned so I had no idea what was happening. Then he just walked back in as though nothing had happened one night, when I tried to talk to him he acted as though nothing was wrong whereas I'd been through hell making plans to manage financially by myself, how do I get hi. To sell the car etc.

I shouldn't have let him home then, but he was sneaky and arrived back when I was putting my son to bed knowing I won't have arguing while he's around.

The more you write about him the more his abusive behaviour is shining through. Is there a place near you that supports abused women? They would be invaluable for you helping to free yourself from him in the safest way for you and your son. Not all abuse is physical, you are in as much need of help as anyone

@beingsunny

So I've been with my partner 6 years, we each have a child from previous marriages.

I'm so lonely in the relationship and after a fall out on Sunday I have finally (now my son has gone to his dads for a few days) sat down to have a serious conversation about what do we both want.

He says all the problems between us are entirely on me, that I'm angry and passive agressive and horrible. None of the problems are ours and he isn't responsible for any of the issues we have had over the last year.

How do you know if they are right?

He is so adamant that everything is because of me that I'm starting to wonder if he's right.

I've talked to friends about some of the difficulties we have had but I'm wondering now are they telling me it's not right because I'm telling my side? I like to think when i talk I'm being reasonable and not looking for confirmation that I'm right, and trying to look at both sides.

At this point I don't think it even matters that much because we can't seem to reconcile our differences but I'm so sad about what we once had.

Could he be right? Could I be the cause of everything and not be able to see it?

If he's the only human being on this Earth that's flawless and perfect, yes, he's right about everything he says. If not, then you know he couldn't be more wrong. In fact, it sounds like he might be the root of your problems, with an attitude like his...

I am going through exactly the same thing and feel awful. Perhaps because we expressed unhappiness and they didn’t listen we became cross and couldn’t care less

Perhaps because we expressed unhappiness and they didn’t listen we became cross

It's very often the case with some men that when we express unhappiness it's not that they don't listen, it's that they become cross that we think they're anything less than perfect - how dare we! - then they need to punish us in a way of their choosing.

Their behaviour is designed to have you doubting yourself, being cross so they can be cross back, not understanding WTF is going on, feeling awful. Once you're out the other side Lolabray you will start to feel better and blossom, I hope it won't be too long for you

What expectations did you have of him that he thinks are too high....just out of curiosity?

Being as the lease was originally in your name can you remove his and give him notice?

He's not a nice person and he's using everything he can throw at you to undermine you to draw attention away from his behaviour.

I bet you that if you ever question his behaviour, he immediately responds with accusations about how you do exactly the same thing but worse. And then when you're trying to defend yourself from that, he comes up with something else that is deeply personal and hurtful. And then you really lose your temper from frustration and then that's when he goes in for the kill saying you're obviously the problem.

Am I right?

Thanks everyone, I have started telling friends and have some good real life support. I also have a therapist recommendation from a friend who has left a bad relationship.

I feel exhausted and weary today.

He is gaslighting you.
You can have high a standards as you wish. And he isn’t up to that standard. He hasn’t told you he loves you in six years???
He isn’t up to your standard at all.
Please do not doubt yourself. When I’m relationships like this, you don’t realise the level of manipulation until you are out of it, and look back and realise.
This is not what a living relationship is.
You deserve better.
Ending this is the first step in taking back control of your own life and healing from this Good luck x

Narcissists often don't like special occasions that are not all about them (or things that pull your focus away from them). So I'm not surprised he chose Christmas to pull drama.