Negative reaction from my pregnancy

[Mezzybbz]

I have just found out a few days ago I'm pregnant. I'm extremely happy about it and so is my partner (me, 20, him, 31). We decided to tell parents only, as I am currently only 3/4 weeks (unclear yet).
We told his mother first and she was really weird about the whole thing. She refused to see a positive line then when I did a digital, she said only the doctor can say it's true and I should go to make sure I'm in the "clear". And when I went doctor, she almost seemed upset it was true. I was terrified to tell anyone else because of it. I told my mother and father a day later and they were over the moon.
She fully expected my parents to drag me through the mud over it. She started asking where was the contraception when we conceived. I can't tell her we planned it. She would definitely lose it.
We even got a new car and she stressed me out so badly because she started screaming at us over one little dent. She kept saying it to me so I would give out to my partner over it. I know I'm stressing too much and I'm scared the stress will lead to miscarriage. It seems she's picking fights so she can say she doesn't support us on this baby. I don't know what to do.

So how far along are you now since you’ve had time to tell several people, see a nurse and do a self referral to the nurse?

Why the judgement on the age gap people? Not everyone dates strictly in their age range. I met my partner at 20 and he was 39/40. We are still together 15 years on. And I was certainly not a child at 20. How condescending. You don't know her and this post isn't about that. It's the strange reaction to her pregnancy and MIL. This is not AIBU. because the difference between 31 and 20 leaves room for a huge power imbalance.

Invariably relationships where someone has essentially got together with a school girl (18 is school age,) There is massive amount of potential for that relationship to be abusive/controlling, because she was a child when they got together and he wasn’t.

And no. 18 isn’t mature on any level.

And there is inherently something wrong with a man who wants to go chasing after school aged children.

The fact you happen to still be together 15 years on doesn’t alter my view on that. You have absolutely nothing in common with a 40 year old at 20.

What a lot of judgements you've made there from YOUR own view. How do you know we didn't have anything in common? Not everyone in this life is a predator! I've always liked older men and no I've not got a daddy issue before even starts. I met my beloved partner through work. And we still work together and live together. We have a cat, a car and planning our own children. Sometimes, regardless of the age, you meet someone who you wish to be with forever.

And he cooks, he cleans (both way more than I do) never ever stopped me doing anything in my 20s. We have a good life.

And the op sounds happy with her lot. It's not for you to decide its wrong. Not everyone at 18 acts like a child. I have always had a very old head and the op might be the same. This was not the issue of the post and she isn't going to suddenly stop being with her partner because of your opinion?

Apologies O/P for derailing the thread.

I don't think age gaps are the issue necessarily, but a 29 year old man with an 18 year old girl (I wouldn't even say woman at 18) is weird and I would expect my mum to tell me so if I were the 18 year old or the 29 year old.

You have to accept she is not happy with the pregnancy and that's her right. Maybe she doesn't really like you, or maybe she thinks the relationship is too young, too rocky for a baby. Maybe she think it's very unreasonable to get pregnant when you are not in a financially stable position, or before you have any further education/work experience.

Whatever the reason, she isn't impressed with her DS and the decision to have a baby. Hopefully she'll get used to the idea and will welcome the baby when he/she is born.

I showed the test because she is someone who wouldn't believe straight away if I was pregnant, even with complete confirmation.

What does this mean? That she doesn't trust you in general? I don't get what else you could mean here as it's such a specific thing - to be 'the type of person' who wouldn't believe someone was pregnant when they said they were. So you must mean she wouldn't have believed you were pregnant when you said you were.

Have you had issues before with her? Do you two live with her?

And FWIW while there are always some stories of happy endings with an age gap at this young an age, it is rare that a relationship that starts when one partner could be in sixth form and the other is nearly 30 works out.

Power imbalance, financial imbalance, life experience, biological clocks, opportunities to discover who you are without a partner etc etc. A myriad reasons that more often than not it doesn't work out - so it's not surprising that most people would be concerned that their 31 year old was having a baby with a 20 year old.

If a 29 year old started dating my 18 year old I’d be less than happy. If he got her pregnant I’d be livid! You’re barely an adult yourself- maybe that’s why she’s mad?

You sound very immature.

Parental disappointment about a pregnancy is usually never about the pregnancy. It's usually the fact that you plan/have planned a baby in what they feel are less than stellar circumstances, such as before completing education, or securing your spot on the career ladder, or maybe it's even a religious thing - she'd have preferred you both to be wed first.
Or maybe you've not been together a wet week yet and she's wondering if you even know each other well enough to be joint parents.

A baby, unlike a mortgage or a marriage, ties you to that other person for life. You can divorce or sell a house if your relationship hits the skids but when you share a baby you share them until they are grown and gone, and even then you still have their weddings and your grandchildren birthdays that you'd share with the man you decided to have a baby with all those years ago.

Anyway,
If you are grown up enough to plan a baby you are grown up enough to not give a shit about another woman's opinion on it. So fucking what if she didn't believe you - it's not like her believing or not believing you has any impact on your pregnancy. She can disbelieve all she likes but a growing belly is a growing belly and she'd end up with no choice to believe you soon enough.
The car? So she's not impressed - again, why do you care about her opinion? Do YOU like your new car? Then that's all that matters isn't it?

You seem like you are craving her approval and I'm curious as to why.

Ok so when i found i was pregnant with baby no.3 clearblue showed 2-3... went for a scan and was told there was nothing to see and couldnt confirm pregnancy as it was that early! So is possible she is 3-4 weeks as that was what i was. Now 19 weeks with my second baby girl

@NotaCoolMum

If a 29 year old started dating my 18 year old I’d be less than happy. If he got her pregnant I’d be livid! You’re barely an adult yourself- maybe that’s why she’s mad?

Absolutely this. I would think he was a predatory male and would be very very worried and disappointed. I would be similarly concerned if my sons did anything of this nature.

Wow so many judgemental and patronising people on here. The O/P wasn't asking for advice on her relationship or the age gap. You lot have no idea what her situation is in her relationship, how or when it began, or how they are financially. Also people saying because she's not married, REALLY? I know plenty married couples that don't have as good/stable relationships as younger unmarried couples.

The only reason I can think is that she’s upset that her son, who started dating a teenager when he was 30, has impregnated someone so much younger than him.

I obviously can’t speak to your particular situation or how happy you are, but as someone who is a similar age to your husband I do find age gap relationships pretty horrifying. 20 year olds seem like little more than children to me, and it baffles me that anyone my age would want a relationship with someone so young for any good reason. I wonder if his mother feels the same and is horrified by her son.

@Mezzybbz
Don't let any better dampen your good news if they don't like it's that's there problem not yours, my granda was ten years older than my granny and she meet him when she was 19 she lived in Wales and him from Ireland she moved here to be with him lived a happy life had 12 kids together he passed away when my mum was 16 my granny never went on to meet anyone else because he was the love of her life age is just a number and as long as your happy let the haters hate 💚

op, congratulations.

If you and your partner are happy about it and are prepared, then don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

My dis was same age when she fell pregnant and the age gap with her partner was even bigger (20 years). Not many people were thrilled, especially our dad but trust me, when the baby arrived it was a different story and the baby was doted on like you wouldn't believe.

It didn't work out for them but it wasn't because of the age gap, it was because the dad was an idiot but honestly, try to avoid telling his mum anything for the time being so she doesn't stress you out and enjoy the moment.

Good luck. X