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Original poster

Is he insecure or controlling?

42 replies

Cranberriez · 18/08/2021 23:00

Hi all

I wanted to list some things that I’ve noticed about my partner. Please feel free to tell me what this sounds like to you. I’m getting vibes that he’s quite insecure or just controlling or both. For context we live together and have a young child.

1 - If I have a family member come over to see me and let’s say I’m engaged in a conversation with them, he will ask me to plate him up some food. I mean why can’t he just get up and get his own food, why even ask me to fetch it for him? Is this to show control or is this to divert my attention back onto him? Or does he want to show my family he’s boss? I find it very bizarre, unattractive and absolutely unnecessary.

2 - He’s happiest when I’m at home, if I go out there’s no issue but if I go out “excessively” he has a face like a slapped arse. I don’t think it’s excessive but to him 3 times a week is too much apparently. He says there is no real need for me to be out that much. This to me screams control. If I take the little one with me he’s not arsey, it’s if I go without the little one - that’s worth mentioning.

I had more examples and now I’ve started to type away I can’t remember them but I will post as I remember.

Cheers

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 18/08/2021 23:02

I think you know the answer OP.

The Women’s Aid website has a little quiz thing to see if you might be subject to abusive behaviour.

DismantledKing · 18/08/2021 23:03

I don’t think you need to list any more things.
You know what an arse he is.

Newcastleteacake · 18/08/2021 23:04

Yes, that is controlling. And very much so. If you give in even slightly it will get worse, so much worse. If you can't nip this in the bud now then you'll need to think about leaving I'm afraid.

Original poster
Cranberriez · 18/08/2021 23:06

Any elements of insecurity in there somewhere too? Or just pure control?

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 18/08/2021 23:07

It doesn’t really matter what’s behind the controlling behaviour; all abusive people think that they have an excuse to behave as they do.

FourTeaFallOut · 18/08/2021 23:09

What does it matter? The net effect is that he's a drain in your life.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/08/2021 23:10

It doesn't matter why he's controlling. If it's due to being insecure then so what? It's not acceptable whatever the motivation.

JudyGemstone · 18/08/2021 23:10

Controlling behaviour is often about insecurity/anxiety. Doesn’t make it acceptable though.

Original poster
Cranberriez · 18/08/2021 23:11

Just remembered my other example.

3 - To the outside world he comes across very uptight. He’s very friendly and chatty with me behind closed doors but when we’re around his family for example, he’s distant.
If we bump into a neighbour he comes across cold and unfriendly. I always feel myself compensating for him by being extra chatty and friendly to folk.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cranberriez · 18/08/2021 23:12

To all those saying it doesn’t matter if he is insecure, I wasn’t trying to look for an excuse for his controlling behaviour. It was just a separate question if he also sounds insecure.

OP posts:
Chascha18 · 18/08/2021 23:12

There's definitely something that isn't right here.
On the one hand, he may just be insecure and want to seem dominant to your family and like he knows what he's doing. He may be terrified that you'll cheat on him, so taking your child may make that seem less likely.
On the other hand, acting like that in front of your family can come across like he's ordering you about which totally isn't okay. Also, you should be allowed to go out whenever you want - is working 5 days a week excessive if you're not at home with him?
I would seriously sit down with him and tell him your concerns and see how he responds. If he opens up to you and you realise what's going on, that's great. If he dismisses you or gets annoyed, it may be time to make other decisions.

NewlyGranny · 18/08/2021 23:12

Forget the why, think about the how, as in how is this making you feel? How is it impacting your day to day happiness?

Ultimately it doesn't make any difference why he behaves like this, does it? Even if he could tell you why, you still wouldn't like it.

Newchances · 18/08/2021 23:15

How is he when you are out socially as a couple or as a family?

Palavah · 18/08/2021 23:17

If a husband were on here complaining that his wife doesn't like him going out alone 3 times a week would we say she was controlling?

Original poster
Cranberriez · 18/08/2021 23:18

@Chascha18 - you make a great case, I will definitely talk to him and see where the conversation goes. I must add he isn’t really the admit his fault right away type, it’ll probs take me some time to really explain to him how what he does makes me feel like before he sees it from my perspective.

I feel like he’s very needy, a few people have noticed how he tries to divert my attention to him when I’m with them. It’s like he needs to prove something to them about our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cranberriez · 18/08/2021 23:20

@Newchances - When we are out he seems very uneasy, kind of anxious and nervous too. Self conscious also. He’s only ever fully relaxed at home, he’s home a lot. Doesn’t have much of a social life other than going to work and back he’s mainly home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cranberriez · 18/08/2021 23:21

@Palavah - I don’t know?

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 18/08/2021 23:22

@Palavah

If a husband were on here complaining that his wife doesn't like him going out alone 3 times a week would we say she was controlling?
This old routine, eh. Read the OP’s post properly.
Original poster
Cranberriez · 18/08/2021 23:24

I must add, I don’t go out alone, it’s normally with siblings or family. He knows where I am and roughly when I’ll be back. Sometimes I need to go without the little one so I can get a break. He doesn’t have a social life so doesn’t get that break. But it’s not my fault is it?

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 18/08/2021 23:26

This doesn’t sound like a very easy or fun relationship.

Original poster
Cranberriez · 18/08/2021 23:27

@JudyGemstone - it’s only easy when he has my full attention.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cranberriez · 18/08/2021 23:32

@NewlyGranny - you’re right, even if I knew why he was doing it I still wouldn’t like it. He really doesn’t need to be so needy, I find independence attractive and if I’m feeling suffocated it makes me want to run. I would definitely understand if it was an insecurity thing and work through it but if it’s just to be the big man then that’s a vile trait.

OP posts:
Whydidimarryhim · 19/08/2021 07:07

Cranberriez- your justifying your self - you can go out when and with who ever you wish too.
He’s an inadequate man - not his fault - but he’s passing his insecurities and control issues onto you. If he wants help he can get therapy can’t he.
He will slowly grind you down. He should be happy your out seeing friends.
Have a firm conversation with him.

SmileyClare · 19/08/2021 07:18

Id say Insecure and jealous of you having other people in your life.

He's pulling rank and displaying his control over you in the company of others to bolster his own ego. I'm sure it comes from insecurity but it's an unpleasant way to behave.

Tell him to plate up his own bloody food.

GoodnightGrandma · 19/08/2021 07:19

Control. Get out !

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