Is he insecure or controlling?

[Cranberriez]

Hi all

I wanted to list some things that I’ve noticed about my partner. Please feel free to tell me what this sounds like to you. I’m getting vibes that he’s quite insecure or just controlling or both. For context we live together and have a young child.

1 - If I have a family member come over to see me and let’s say I’m engaged in a conversation with them, he will ask me to plate him up some food. I mean why can’t he just get up and get his own food, why even ask me to fetch it for him? Is this to show control or is this to divert my attention back onto him? Or does he want to show my family he’s boss? I find it very bizarre, unattractive and absolutely unnecessary.

2 - He’s happiest when I’m at home, if I go out there’s no issue but if I go out “excessively” he has a face like a slapped arse. I don’t think it’s excessive but to him 3 times a week is too much apparently. He says there is no real need for me to be out that much. This to me screams control. If I take the little one with me he’s not arsey, it’s if I go without the little one - that’s worth mentioning.

I had more examples and now I’ve started to type away I can’t remember them but I will post as I remember.

Cheers

[quote Cranberriez]@NewlyGranny - you’re right, even if I knew why he was doing it I still wouldn’t like it. He really doesn’t need to be so needy, I find independence attractive and if I’m feeling suffocated it makes me want to run. I would definitely understand if it was an insecurity thing and work through it but if it’s just to be the big man then that’s a vile trait.[/quote]
But you seem to be placing two different values on things here. If he’s deliberately trying to be a ‘big man’ you rightly feel that’s vile. However you seem to be far more understanding about the thought he may ‘just’ be insecure and it would be interesting to reflect on why that’s different to you. Is it because being insecure you would consider something not his fault, something less emotionally aggressive and also something that can be fixed?

Because the way he is behaving is not good and it should be his responsibility to work through that - if he wants to make a positive change. Being insecure to the point he behaves like this is a choice - in the same way choosing to assert his dominance or something similar (if that’s what he’s doing) is also a choice.

The likely answer though is it is a combination of the two - you don’t need to assert your dominance and grab attention if you feel secure. You can feel insecure because a part of you knows you are getting the attention you crave by being demanding rather than it being freely given. They feed into each other - and continue because this strategy is working for him on some level.

OP- controlling behaviour is almost ALWAYS driven by fear. So insecurity and uncertainty lead people to want to create safety by controlling their environment and the people in their relationships. And it is abusive and they need therapy to address their underlying fear and anxiety rather than seeking to control everything to prevent them being triggered. You need to confront him about all of this because it is impossible to feel too safe and it can escalate!

I agree with the above. There's an unhealthy undercurrent here of him he treating you as his possession. He is trying to keep you "in your place".

The only thing you should be doing is leaving. Asking you to plate food when you have company made my toes curl for some reason. Hey

Controlling and wants you under his thumb.
If my husband had told me to plate some food for him when he has perfectly functioning arms and legs then I would have told him to fuck off.
He won't get any better, you will soon feel like a prisoner in your own home and he is the prison guard!

@Cranberriez

To all those saying it doesn’t matter if he is insecure, I wasn’t trying to look for an excuse for his controlling behaviour. It was just a separate question if he also sounds insecure.

But why would it matter? The behaviour, regardless of its motivation, is negatively impacting on you.

Stop trying to find ways to stay with this man. He is a control freak and it's only going to get worse. He is going to chip away at your feelings of independence and self worth until you are a shell of yourself. In his mind, he owns you, and his behaviour is incredibly alarming.

Run like hell and never look back.

Have you told him how his neediness and demands for constant attention when others are around is affecting your feelings for him? If he wants to change this, he could start by getting some counselling to help him understand where this behaviour is coming from. We accept it from toddlers because we know they have to learn to trust that we are there for them, but it's tough going through that needy stage with them. We cope because we know it is just a phase. Your DH seems stuck in it, and you're not his mum!

If he stirs himself and gets help, great. If he refuses or tries to push the responsibility onto you, you have difficult decisions ahead.

To know whether he was insecure, we'd have to have some sort of insight into his upbringing, childhood, fears, traumas, other potentially anxious behaviours. Just examples of him being controlling don't tell us a great deal.

"Plate up" as if he's the chef and you're a rather slow kitchen worker don't make him sound like the shy, retiring type.

What do you get out of this relationship?.

I would seriously start to plan my exit from this relationship of unequal power and control. He has most of that in this relationship and he knows it too. He sees you as a possession and someone to order about in telling you to plate up his food. Such attitudes are deeply ingrained and this is who he is. He won't change.

Would you want your DC as an adult to be in a relationship like this?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either. You would be better off without him rather than sticking with him.

@Aquamarine1029 and @AttilaTheMeerkat have nailed it as usual.

Controlling and wants your life to be very very small like his.

Those around you can see him clearly.

Don't drag this out and waste years.

Get the hell out.

Thank you all for the replies. I shall update once I’ve had a chat with him about this all.

He's controlling you.

99.9% of the time, if you find yourself thinking 'oh maybe he's insecure'. He.is.controlling.

Insecurity is not an excuse to be a ficking shit to people anyway.

If you ever, ever find yourself trying to excuse behaviour as insecurity. STOP.

@Cranberriez

Thank you all for the replies. I shall update once I’ve had a chat with him about this all.

Dont have a chat. He KNOWS what he is doing. He KNOWS it is wrong. He just doesnt want you to know he knows.

Would you have a chat with a lion about the fact that you know it's a lion? Or that you don't like it chewing on your leg? Of course not!

Just get rid op.

Don't have a chat with him. He knows how he treats you and he does not care for your emotional distress at being controlled.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. How helpful are your family/friends here?.

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

Don't be so naive as to think he doesn't.

He wants to control and isolate you.

He cannot be fixed.

Do not fall into the stupid mistake so many women do and think of him as a bloody project.

He's a dud.

He's faulty.

He can't be fixed.

Throw him out, just like you would an unfixable appliance.

You are very silly if you think he is fixable, despite any bullshit he may try and feed you.

Get organised and get out.