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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Whatever I say he just doesn’t get why I broke up with him

36 replies

Lolabray · 18/08/2021 19:11

I left my partner a few weeks ago

We had been together 3 years

There were 2 main issues which I kept telling him were issues, no changes were made and the issues kept reappearing.

I wanted to try clear the air in case we bump into each other. I don’t want any bad blood.

So I text to wish him well and said I couldn’t continue like the way we were (I have explained why about 20 times) and his reply was that it was a cop out, he is going through a lot of stuff (family) and I am not there, how can I love support someone and not support them, he loves me so much. he hopes he doesn’t see me.

My intention was to try keep things nice but I feel maybe I have made things worse.

He then said he misses me, to which I replied maybe so but it doesn’t sort anything or change anything.

What I’m trying to say is it v hard when you love someone but things just haven’t worked (on both sides) and boundaries crossed to the point where you can’t continue. 😳

OP posts:

QueenHofScotland · 18/08/2021 19:13

I don’t think you should have contacted him. I can’t help but think it would send him false hope - can you imagine someone ending a relationship, then seeing their name pop up in a text?

You’ve ended things so move on.

Lumpwoody · 18/08/2021 19:14

Just block him.

category12 · 18/08/2021 19:20

Just leave it, stop trying to justify yourself.

He has the right to disagree with you and not think your reasons for splitting were "enough" or whatever. He is allowed his own narrative for what happened between you.

You have to let go of your need to convince him or for it to be an amicable split. Just cut it off and let him be angry or resentful or whatever it is that he is. It's no longer your problem.

Original poster

Lolabray · 18/08/2021 19:24

Thanks everyone maybe I should not have said anything however we broke up and had a screaming row which hasn’t helped anything. I do feel guilty and feel like I’ve hurt him but he has done plenty of hurting me on the way!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2021 19:25

Block him and move on with your life. He has zero interest whatsoever in what your needs were, and he proved that time and time again. He's a selfish twat who only cares about what he wants, he has no respect for you.

Screwyoularry · 18/08/2021 19:27

He doesn't need to 'get it '. The relationship is over. Stop contacting him.

QueenHofScotland · 18/08/2021 19:29

I agree - he doesn’t need to accept your reasons or agree with you. That in itself probably tells you it was the right thing to do. Even if other people or he disagree about your reasons, they were important to you, and significant enough for you to end the relationship.

@Aquamarine1029 not sure if you know more about the OP’s relationship than the rest of us (from another thread maybe?) but you are jumping to huge conclusions

TheWeeDonkey · 18/08/2021 19:30

I don't know why you choose to keep in touch with the guy.

Its over, leave him be.

Treacletoots · 18/08/2021 19:32

He doesn't get it because he's never considered anybody's needs except his.

He never will. Well done for getting out, now block and done look back.

Sure you've just dumped my exH..

DoingItMyself · 18/08/2021 19:32

Just block him. You can't wring any more out of this relationship. You ended it for good reasons.

Treacletoots · 18/08/2021 19:35

@QueenHofScotland @Aquamarine1029 is spot on. Selfish twat. The very fact he refused to change anything that was an issue for OP tells me that in 2 seconds.

Original poster

Lolabray · 18/08/2021 19:50

Selfish twat. The very fact he refused to change anything that was an issue for OP tells me that in 2 seconds.

Yes treacletots you are spot on. It has got progressively worse these past few months too. I’m saddened and kind of wish I could wave a magic wand and he would make the changes like cutting down on drinking and prioritising things including me a little. but there is more chance of me seeing a flying pig than that happening

OP posts:

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 18/08/2021 19:50

The boundary you need here is the one where you don't talk to each other any more. You broke up. You have no kids. It's over. Act like it.

He doesn't get to block the breakup because he doesn't agree with it, but you also don't get to control what he thinks about why you broke up.

Hoppinggreen · 18/08/2021 19:51

You don’t actually need him to get it.
You broke up and that’s that, stop talking to him

Colourmeclear · 18/08/2021 19:54

You don't need his approval to break up. It would be nice but if he's a selfish twat, he was never going to give you that peace of mind. You made the decision that was right for you. That's all that matters.

user16395699 · 18/08/2021 19:58

@Lolabray

Selfish twat. The very fact he refused to change anything that was an issue for OP tells me that in 2 seconds.

If you're being honest with yourself then, were you really trying to "clear the air" or were you hoping if you messaged again and reiterated your reasons that he would change and you could resume the relationship?

Bbub · 18/08/2021 20:05

My ex was exactly like this, I finally had enough and blocked him after a wailing suicidal call where he kept asking "WHYYYYY" and it's like I told you a hundred times already?!

I think it's their way of trying to hold on to you when they can see they've finally pushed you too far. Keep your distance and protect yourself while you recovery from the rship loss 💜

Original poster

Lolabray · 18/08/2021 20:05

Thanks I suppose I was trying (again) to get through .: perhaps in the hope he changed and things would be different but I’m down and kidding myself on this one x

OP posts:

Original poster

Lolabray · 18/08/2021 20:07

@user16395699 in answer to your question possibly yes, but you know when you are only out of something a few weeks it all feels strange so I will leave this one. I just wanted to try get my point across and leave things not on a nasty level as we live nearby

OP posts:

1forAll74 · 18/08/2021 20:08

Just move on, as you seem to be very positive about your actions, and now don't engage with him, and try and dismiss all your thoughts about things flitting about in you mind.

user16395699 · 18/08/2021 20:24

When you have a wound it needs to be kept clean and left alone to heal - not prodded and poked.

Think of it that way. Continued contact is like poking a dirty stick into the wound to see if it's better yet, whereas time and space is good wound care.

Original poster

Lolabray · 18/08/2021 20:51

@ user16395699 thank you. I’ll think of him being under a dirty old plaster that I don’t want to pull off ! :)

OP posts:

user16395699 · 18/08/2021 21:46

Beautiful That should do the trick!

Pinkbonbon · 18/08/2021 22:08

You should never have to explain respectful boundaries to anyone. If that's what you are doing, stop. Because he knows fine well why you had to walk away. He just doesn't want you to know he knows.

You dont owe him any more explanation. Nor does you leaving him have to be a mutual decision. Or have to be something he 'understands'.

Original poster

Lolabray · 18/08/2021 22:15

@Pinkbonbon I actually thought until your post that he wasn’t listening .. but yes I think he understands loud and clear .. thanks x

OP posts:

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