Gaslighting? Emotional abuse?

[Jacqueline34]

Ill cut to the chase, 9 times out of 10 when me and my partner drink he will blow up at me calling me a c*, it stems from nothing. Most recently it was so bad he kept leaving me on my own saying i deserved it and me not knowing how to get back to the hotel. When questioned the next day he said he didnt really leave me but kept a watch on me from a distance as i tried to find out where to go. Hes always sorry, embarrased and ashamed. He gets very aggressive and shouts in my face even when i plead with him to stop. The more i get upset the more it spurs him on. Hes never like thks sober and we dont go out very often but it does scare me. The main complaint id have of his behaviour when sober is that he will say things in a rude or slightly harsh way which will make me retreat into my shelf as im highly sensitive then deny he said it in that way so i cant be upset.

for gods sake get out of that relationship. yes he is being abusive and gaslighting, it wont get better please please leave.
xx

Thanks for your message, i am prepared for some big opinions as i know what ive said is quite drastic. Theres so much good other than this in the relationship and i dont want to just throw in the towel but its happened about 5 times in the last year. He offered to seek help but should he just stop drinking to excess.

Can you see yourself in five years still living like this?

How is it better that he deliberately watched you being scared and lost because he pretended to abandon you. That’s sick and psychotic. I’d rather someone stormed off thoughtlessly than do that. At least they did it in the heat of the moment or a drunken stupor.

Thats what i thought and hurt the most. Really bizarre behaviour and ive been trying to understand it since. I feel like ive forgiven too easily as thats my nature but a week later im angry again and dont know how to address it

At some point you'll stop trying to understand it because you'll realise why he does it isn't your problem.

You don't need to address your anger, you need to leave. This won't get better. Do you have abusive parents? Do you know what a "normal" relationship is like?

For gods sake dump him and do it today

Get out, he won't change. Believe me, it'll be the best thing you ever do.

I have been in a couple of abusive relationshipa before. My dad was an aggressive character and left in my teens. We had a poor relationship. I do understand my relationships with men have been poor. My mum stood for a lot of crap and doesnt always know what bad behaviour is so i dont tell her as she wont understand.

He wasn't that drunk if he had the wherewithal to leave you stranded, then watch your distress from a distance.
He's enjoying it, he enjoys your distress, he enjoys calling you names, how long before he starts to enjoy physically hurting you.
Please op, leave him, it will only get worse.
You don't treat someone you love like that.
Do you treat him the same way? No? Why? Because a decent human being doesn't treat the person they love like that.
Run op, he's not going to change 💐

Yes it’s abusive and no, of course its not all the time. All abusers are nice in between the episodes of abuse. Otherwise we wouldn’t stay with them.

His behaviour isn’t bizarre at all. It’s perfectly understandable. He enjoys doing it at the time and he REALLY enjoys the way it gives him power over you all the rest of the time.

Hes not sorry or ashamed or he would stop. Its not hard to stay sober - I assume he manages to do this all week at work. Besides, he is nasty and lies even when he is sober.

He won’t stop because this behaviour is working for him. It meets his needs.

Your only choices are stay and it WILL get worse. Or leave.

Sorry.

Do you want a life of abuse?
Really?

Get a grip and cop yourself on?

Dump him and get some counselling to find out why the hell you have allowed this.

Thanks so much for all your comments. I have some thinking to do x

Drinking is just him excusing something he clearly enjoys - which is making you and watching you suffer. Please leave.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme OP, it costs £12 to do online and I think it would really help you understand what's going on here. It doesn't matter that he 'only' does it when he's drunk, that behaviour is in him and that means he is abusive. Drinking is the current trigger but there's no guarantee that won't change and other things could set him off in future, you will end up living on eggshells. freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

You've never been told that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your parents poor relationship example taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships and I am not sadly surprised you are in yet another abusive relationship after previous abusive ones. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Even now you have no idea what a mutually healthy and respectful relationship is because no-one ever bothered to show you what that is. Your parents don't know and still do not. Like your dad also did with your mum, this man now enjoys the power and control he has over you. This man too is paying lip service to his drink problem; he has no intentions of seeking help and is telling you what you want to hear.

Your boundaries, already skewed by past abuse and your childhood, are being further messed up by this individual now. Love your own self for a change and read about the sunken costs fallacy in relationships because you are also getting hung up on sunk costs (with reference to not wanting to throw the towel in).

The Freedom Programme is an absolute must do for your own self along with counselling to unlearn all the crap you've picked up about relationships along the way. Your own recovery from this current abusive relationship you are in will only properly start when you are completely away from him.

You wouldn’t be ‘throwing in the towel’ if you gave him the boot. You’d be standing up for yourself, saying I matter’ and opening the door to a much happier new life.

You’re still in an abusive relationship
Dump him

Thank you all. I didnt even realise any of this. I must sound a bit slow on this but i struggle in relationships a lot

@Jacqueline34

Thank you all. I didnt even realise any of this. I must sound a bit slow on this but i struggle in relationships a lot

The best gift you can give yourself at this point is therapy. Committing to yourself - rather than to a procession of relationships that only mirror your circumstances growing up - is the kind of long-term commitment that really pays off.

In Vino Veritas.
LTB as that is a massive🚩

You don't sound slow and relationships are hard, this isn't something you need to blame yourself for, there are a lot of abusive people out there. But you can do things to protect yourself and the Freedom Programme is a really good place to start.

@CoasterCoaster

You don't sound slow and relationships are hard, this isn't something you need to blame yourself for, there are a lot of abusive people out there. But you can do things to protect yourself and the Freedom Programme is a really good place to start.

This.

We all have the model of relationships that we grew up with. In your case ( and mine ) it wasn’t a very good model. This isn’t our fault and we are not stupid. We just have a bit more work to do to educate ourselves about what a healthy partnership is really like.

I did the Freedom Programme and found it really useful.