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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gaslighting? Emotional abuse?

42 replies

Jacqueline34 · 18/08/2021 11:43

Ill cut to the chase, 9 times out of 10 when me and my partner drink he will blow up at me calling me a c*, it stems from nothing. Most recently it was so bad he kept leaving me on my own saying i deserved it and me not knowing how to get back to the hotel. When questioned the next day he said he didnt really leave me but kept a watch on me from a distance as i tried to find out where to go. Hes always sorry, embarrased and ashamed. He gets very aggressive and shouts in my face even when i plead with him to stop. The more i get upset the more it spurs him on. Hes never like thks sober and we dont go out very often but it does scare me. The main complaint id have of his behaviour when sober is that he will say things in a rude or slightly harsh way which will make me retreat into my shelf as im highly sensitive then deny he said it in that way so i cant be upset.

OP posts:
ThirdThoughts · 18/08/2021 21:41

He doesn't shout and swear at you because he's drunk.

He drinks so he can shout and swear at you.

EKGEMS · 18/08/2021 22:55

I'd have left that motherfucker that very next morning after watching me panicking and being confused. Later,loser as I carried my suitcase out the door to the airport. Do your self esteem and heart a favor and gtfo

nevernotstruggling · 18/08/2021 23:54

I was with a man like this back along. He drank so rarely it wasn't a daily thing so by a long shot but when it happened it blew the relationship apart. When we split I heard from a colleague of his that he had returned to hard drinking and was demoted at work for drinking issues. At that point I could accept it wasn't my fault. This man had significant issues with alcohol.

Geppili · 19/08/2021 00:19

Leave this abusive prick, please.

updownroundandround · 19/08/2021 06:56

@Jacqueline34

You are not 'slow'.

You are not stupid.

You matter.

Unfortunately you've become embroiled in a 'relationship' with a very nasty 'man'.
This was probably, in part, because of the early introduction to ''dysfunctional relationships'' within your family home, and the inevitable difficulties that caused you to be less able to ''spot'' problems early in new relationships.

However, you are now an adult who recognizes that the behavior of your partner is upsetting and scaring you. You know that 'something' is wrong, you just need a little guidance to verify what it is that is wrong.

So, your partner is using alcohol as an excuse to openly abuse you.

Calling you names is abuse
Deliberately causing you upset/distress is abuse
The fact that your crying/being 'defenceless' makes him furious is abuse

None of his abuse 'stems from nothing' !

It all stems from his utter hatred of you and probably of women generally.

He even 'struggles' to talk to you without his hatred 'slipping through' in the tone and language he uses to you ffs Sad

He wants you to be scared and distressed because it gives him pleasure. He only has you around so that he can abuse you.

Waste no more time or energy on this horrible, wicked and nasty 'man' thinking that ''deep down'' he actually ''loves'' you, because he is incapable of love.

Please leave him asap. Contact Womans Aid if you need help with leaving safely ans please do the Freedom Programme, because it will really help you to recognize his abuse (and will help you develop better relationships in the future).

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 07:01

The alcohols the excuse, not the reason.
He's an abusive prick and let's his guard down when he's had a drink and you put up with it because it's not constant.

BeggarsMeddle · 19/08/2021 08:08

How 'nice' is a man, or in fact any person, who chooses to treat another person like sh1t?

I think all the time they are being 'nice' it is just a veneer; the gloss coat to deceive the other person into sticking with them because 'they can't be ALL bad, can they??'.

And the intervals between nice and nasty get shorter and shorter until you find yourself in a situation where your own behaviour changes to avoid giving them a perceived reason to be abusive - tip-toeing on eggshells.

It is hard work for the abuser to keep up the pretense of being nice, and so they work hard in the early stages to get you embroiled and 'invested' to the point where you lose your ability to think rationally about your situation. Ironically, the person being abused will usually invest an incredible amount of time 'rationalising' their situation and the relationship - holding onto mistaken belief that they can turn the situation around and the abuser will change.

They won't change and the abuse always ramps up. And there's always an 'excuse' for it. It's the booze, it's because I love you you so much, your behaviour sets me off... never the truth.

OP you are asking the right questions. Don't let doubt or any sense of having got this far and 'invested' in the relationship stop you from getting out of it.

Original poster
Jacqueline34 · 19/08/2021 09:01

Thank you all for your continued comments x

OP posts:
Original poster
Jacqueline34 · 19/08/2021 09:10

Some more food for though, he has unresolved issues with his mother...abandonment, never being put first, her choosing others over him x

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 09:17

@Jacqueline34

Some more food for though, he has unresolved issues with his mother...abandonment, never being put first, her choosing others over him x
It's not food for thought. I've been dealing with these exact issues that I didn't realise I was still clinging on to - but I don't get drunk and abuse my DP.
billy1966 · 19/08/2021 11:50

@Jacqueline34

Some more food for though, he has unresolved issues with his mother...abandonment, never being put first, her choosing others over him x
Oh please, he has issue's 🙄.

Bullshit.

He's a nasty little bullying abuser.

Excuse all you want.

Accept this as your life and that it will only get a LOT worse if you are stupid enough to stay.

Flowers
HollowTalk · 19/08/2021 12:05

I'm not sure whether you have children, but can you imagine bumping into your daughter and her boyfriend on a night out and her being spoken to like that? What would you advise her to do?

Thelnebriati · 19/08/2021 15:31

So what is he doing about his issues? Is he having counselling?

IsThePopeCatholic · 19/08/2021 15:47

Time to leave, op.

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/08/2021 16:21

That’s not gaslighting not emotional abuse.

That’s more serious it’s verbal abuse, endangerment and stalking.

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/08/2021 16:22

@Jacqueline34

Some more food for though, he has unresolved issues with his mother...abandonment, never being put first, her choosing others over him x
Most people I know have unresolved issues with their parents and they do not abuse their partners or children.
Original poster
Jacqueline34 · 19/08/2021 16:26

He did offer but I don't think it'll happen. I'd like him to get help but I'm not sure it'll happen or if it's too far gone x

OP posts:
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