Literally having 0 sex

[Sonsofanarchy1]

Debating long and hard - excuse the pun, about posting this.. but I've NC'ed as I'm on other threads

So, I'm in the biggest rut where me and my partner are having little to no sex, and we've just started trying for a baby - which is hilarious, because we currently can't even have sex for having sex never mind for a reason like..
Last month we had sex twice in the whole month, I'm 27F he's 30M, live on our own, no children yet but his issue is that it's always when we go to bed at night and he thinks it's like staged, we sometimes do have it in the morning or odd times in the day but mostly at night, I work shifts so on my early finishes we'll chill and have tea and watch tele then go bed, but when I'm on lates he'll do his own thing then we'll watch a bit of something then get in bed because he's up early so we don't normally have sex when I'm working until 10 but do when I'm working until 2. So this last weekend there's was always a reason why we didn't have sex on his part so I confronted it and he says he thinks we've got too comfortable and just wants me to initiate it and start it off because it's always him starting it off. I know he's right in what he says because I've never been like that, it's definitely a confidence issue on my part, I had an abusive relationship that finished a couple of years before I got with my partner so I think the confidence knock comes from that & he's probably had partners that did throw themselves on him all the time but it's just not me, but my thought is if I'm someone he's supposedly madly in love with and really attracted to, how does the thought of us having sex - albeit at a similar time every night, turn him off enough to not fancy it? It upset me a bit cos it was making me feel like I'm hard to have sex with because I let him take control. I do my bit in sex don't get me wrong, it's just predominantly him that starts it off.

So really I'm just asking how do I go about being able to move past this and get it going again?

I'm sorry op but be us talking shit. Theres more than meets the eye going on here. Stop trying for a baby.

It might even be that he does not want a baby and that is why he is avoiding sex.

How long have you been together? Did he suggest marriage before talk of babies was entertained btw? (Even if you ultimately both decided against it, he should have brought it up at least).

Actually, nah, rereading maybe I'm jumping the gun a bit. Seen as in the beginning it seems like it might have been more of a scheduling issue. But i still think theres something up. Like maybe he has decided porn is more interesting than you during those nights you weren't home.

Are you sure you are on the same page at all? This doesn't sound like a very enjoyable relationship.

Why would you want to have a baby by this man let alone be in a relationship with him?. Really think about this a lot more. Sexless relationships do not improve with time either and the two of you are basically living as flatmates. Bringing a baby into this relationship is a terrible idea, babies can test the most solid of relationships let alone this one you write of which seems build on sand.

Did you look at and or enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme after you left your previous abusive relationship?. It would be an idea for you to look at this anyway. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, have likely also caused you to make a further poor choice of this man now.

He wants to see that you are actually interested in him.

Him initiating all the time = you’re basically not bothered.

You want sex more but you don't want to initiate? I think that's a bit unreasonable. It doesn't have to be complicated or you 'throwing yourself at him' just start stroking his back and tell him he's got gorgeous x.y or z. Then kiss him and press yourself against him. I promise the more you do it the easier and more natural it will seem. Tell him you've been thinking about having sex with him all day. He better bloody play his part though and respond otherwise you're justified in not initiating anything and he's a dick and just messing with you. Just remember if that happens you're not the one with the problem and hopefully the opposite will happen and he'll be super turned on by the fact you want him.

I would definitely put the baby on hold for now though and work on your relationship first.

I'm not expecting details but accepting what he says it's the truth, what does him initiating it mean? Is he having to put lots of effort in whilst you lie there considering and then half the time you say no? What does initiating mean for you that makes you feel you cant? Maybe cos were married with kids but we also tend to have sex at bedtime and me initiating is basically me snogging him and putting his hand somewhere fun if he's not taking the hint. It doesn't need to be an elaborate striptease or half ab hour or oral etc.

Ultimately, you do need to talk. Does he want a baby? What is it he wants from you? What do you want from him.

If you leave it to the other person to initiate, you could wait forever. How about the stockings and suspender belt scenario? You don't have to be OTT or pushy, just let him know you're wearing them and see what happens.

I think you have raised an issue, and he has expressed his thoughts and feelings about how to resolve the issue.

I do think it’s unfair to complain about lack of sex but to also fail to initiate. Initiating doesn’t need to mean a change in dynamic, so he can still take more control throughout.

Don't have a baby with a man who doesn't want to have sex with you. Leave him and find someone you can be happy with.

@Pinkbonbon

Actually, nah, rereading maybe I'm jumping the gun a bit. Seen as in the beginning it seems like it might have been more of a scheduling issue. But i still think theres something up. Like maybe he has decided porn is more interesting than you during those nights you weren't home.

I have only just found out he watches porn and satisfies himself when I'm not here or at work apparently just cos he has urges and wants to get it out, but that isn't anything to do with us and it doesn't stop him wanting sex with me, apparently. We've been together over 3 years, says there's no pressure on his side this is something he's ready for, have discusses marriage but it's not for us atm

Initiating could just mean sitting up close against him, putting your arm round his waist, stroking his neck... or at least, that's as far as I usually get before he cottons on!

Have a browse through the forum, as there are frequently posts by women saying their partner rarely initiates, and describing how it makes them feel less desirable. If your partner already knows you currently want sex because you want a baby, then he could easily also feel like you just want him as a sperm producer.

But tbh it does sound rather like Attila says. Not like a lovely, trusting, relaxed relationship.

@ravenmum

Are you sure you are on the same page at all? This doesn't sound like a very enjoyable relationship.

Apparently we are 🤷🏼‍♀️

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Why would you want to have a baby by this man let alone be in a relationship with him?. Really think about this a lot more. Sexless relationships do not improve with time either and the two of you are basically living as flatmates. Bringing a baby into this relationship is a terrible idea, babies can test the most solid of relationships let alone this one you write of which seems build on sand.

Did you look at and or enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme after you left your previous abusive relationship?. It would be an idea for you to look at this anyway. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, have likely also caused you to make a further poor choice of this man now.

Thank you for your comment, I have looked into the freedom programme. However, I can't allow you to call him a terrible choice of man, he's the most amazing person I know, we're just going through a shit sex patch

Also read up on the legal/practical reasons why you should use the safety net of marriage.

@Nandakanda he says that and I do understand that's how it would make him feel, just need to work on my part as I didn't realise it would bother him so much

@Tal45 I do tell him a lot how much I want sex, and he says it back so it's like it's just a tease then when it doesn't happen that night, just a bit of a headfuck, because I've never really needed to instigate it's weird for me to do it if that makes sense 🤷🏼‍♀️

@SleepingStandingUp He basically makes the first hand movement, let's say.. I'm more than willing to participate, I don't ever say no he just makes the first move, I think it's because I've always been a yeah but he sometimes is a no it's the rejection if I did start it off I couldn't face the embarrassment of him saying he's too tired or too full from his tea 🙄

@Dillydollydingdong I'll try haha thank you

@999caffeineplease thank you, I just need to stop being a shit bag I think and just jump on him

@DoingItMyself that's also another thought of mine, that he doesn't actually want it and doesn't find me as attractive as he thinks he does.. although he's never ever given me a reason to think he doesn't fancy the pants off me other than the hiccup that we're in currently

You are sexually incompatible and that won't be changing. You don't seem to realise it but your relationship is going nowhere, and it is definitely not strong enough to handle a baby. You should not even think about having a child with him, it will be a huge mistake.

@ravenmum no he's fully aware that I just want sex for sex atm not even to make a baby, I just want to shag him 😂 it is a lovely relaxed relationship that's the thing, just this bit of shit but MN makes it seem like he's a horrendous person, I've had horrendous and he is so far from it, I regret writing this just because people now think of him like that haha but thank you for your input, it is appreciated!

I did not call him a terrible choice of man, only that poor boundaries led you to be with this man. You've settled really for very little from a relationship.

Shit sex patches do not get better with time. How are things here going to change also given yours and his different shift patterns along with his use of porn?.

He doesn't sound like a horrendous person. He sounds like someone who's potentially not as keen to have a baby when it really comes down to it. And you sound like you're not relaxed enough with him to be able to initiate, even if you really fancy a shag.

[quote Sonsofanarchy1]@ravenmum no he's fully aware that I just want sex for sex atm not even to make a baby, I just want to shag him 😂 it is a lovely relaxed relationship that's the thing, just this bit of shit but MN makes it seem like he's a horrendous person, I've had horrendous and he is so far from it, I regret writing this just because people now think of him like that haha but thank you for your input, it is appreciated![/quote]
And what happens when you initiate sex, does it happen?

Clearly the self satisfying in between is helping to make him not need to be up for it as he's already released some tension.
Struggling to maintain it in your youth, does not bode well for the future and shows that it's a fragile urge to begin with that will only get put on the back burner more with DC. So, if it's important to you, and you happen to attach some of your self esteem to it happening , this could cause a problem down the line.

I don’t think it’s fair for people to condemn your relationship. It’s not as though you have mismatched sex drives etc, it’s just that he wants to feel wanted in the way you do.

OP, I’ve been where you are, and yes it did take a little bit of getting out of my comfort zone, but looking back I’m so glad I did.

I could never have donned suspenders etc, but I did make a point of being more affectionate/touchy/feely, and DP responded. A little bit of Dutch courage never hurt either.