Literally having 0 sex

[Sonsofanarchy1]

Debating long and hard - excuse the pun, about posting this.. but I've NC'ed as I'm on other threads

So, I'm in the biggest rut where me and my partner are having little to no sex, and we've just started trying for a baby - which is hilarious, because we currently can't even have sex for having sex never mind for a reason like..
Last month we had sex twice in the whole month, I'm 27F he's 30M, live on our own, no children yet but his issue is that it's always when we go to bed at night and he thinks it's like staged, we sometimes do have it in the morning or odd times in the day but mostly at night, I work shifts so on my early finishes we'll chill and have tea and watch tele then go bed, but when I'm on lates he'll do his own thing then we'll watch a bit of something then get in bed because he's up early so we don't normally have sex when I'm working until 10 but do when I'm working until 2. So this last weekend there's was always a reason why we didn't have sex on his part so I confronted it and he says he thinks we've got too comfortable and just wants me to initiate it and start it off because it's always him starting it off. I know he's right in what he says because I've never been like that, it's definitely a confidence issue on my part, I had an abusive relationship that finished a couple of years before I got with my partner so I think the confidence knock comes from that & he's probably had partners that did throw themselves on him all the time but it's just not me, but my thought is if I'm someone he's supposedly madly in love with and really attracted to, how does the thought of us having sex - albeit at a similar time every night, turn him off enough to not fancy it? It upset me a bit cos it was making me feel like I'm hard to have sex with because I let him take control. I do my bit in sex don't get me wrong, it's just predominantly him that starts it off.

So really I'm just asking how do I go about being able to move past this and get it going again?

I think trying for a baby when your sex life is stagnant is a bad idea. Even couples with a good sex life pre-baby making can find that sex becomes perfunctory, scheduled and less enjoyable because it's for the aim of making a baby and not for pleasure/closeness.

Going back to what you said about only having sex in the evenings though struck a chord as I am much more of a morning person in every sense of the word than an evening person but my dp isn't at all. I would love morning sex and always enjoyed it with previous partners but I have to accept it isn't going to happen with my dp as he takes a while to wake up properly (although some parts are more willing than others!) and by then I am up and ready.

Sometimes we compromise with afternoon sex.

Well the porn is relevant because be has no problem cracking one off to strangers on tv but seems not to be interested in his own gf.

Also, maybe ask yourself if you are really ok with porn. Because its certainly not the case that all men watch it. Let alone habitually.

Reading your op it sounds like a chore neither of you fancy doing
Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

Please stop trying to have a child with this man til you've worked out what's Actually going on in your relationship.

Ugh a porn-user, that would be the end for me - he watches porn but doesnt have sex with the real-life woman in front of him - ugh.
I wish I had more hopeful things to say OP but it sounds like he's gone off you. You could try various things - jumping him, sex therapy etc - but I think it's more likely that the relationship is over. Please do not get pregnant with this man.

Relationships often go off the boil sexually. Usually it’s time to split up and start looking for someone new.

People on here are so quick to condemn a relationship they know nothing about - between 2 people they do not know - just because there is one small temporary issue in the relationship. Please ignore PPs saying you’re mismatched etc, how on earth could they possibly know this… you aren’t the first couple to have a sex dry patch and you won’t be the last.

I agree that you need to make the first move more and push yourself slightly out of your comfort zone. Have a large glass of wine if it helps. You don’t need to give the guy a BJ, just kiss him for a little longer. Or tell him you’re horny. Flirt with him. Unless he’s blind he’ll see what you’re doing. Some people struggle to communicate about sex as they find it cringey or whatever, but showing him you’re keen will save the need for a conversation about it and hopefully fix your issues. Actions speak louder than words.

@Rach888 thank you so much for that 😅♥️ yeah, I do communicate but I do need to stick it on him sometimes and stop being so soft haha, I put myself in his shoes and I can understand it might be a bit draining for him and he just wants to be wanted so I do understand his issues

I agree with @Rach888 I don't understand how people can assume your relationship is bad just because you're not having sex. I've been in my relationship for decades and he's never been that interested in sex. It doesn't necessarily improve unless there's a particular reason for it that is temporary. It didn't make me feel very attractive at times but the rest of our relationship is brilliant and we're still very much in love and have even had a few kids (somehow)

I want to add that he was like that from the start, so your situation may be different if he used to be wanting it non stop and suddenly stopped

Shit sex hold fire on the baby for sure as it will most likely get worse with added pressures
Poor / not much sex slowly destroys relationships in my experience
You are both young, maybe it’s me I was never too tired at your age, always helps get a good nights sleep as well