Flaky friends - how would you manage?

[Whatdirection]

So...l am having to create a new life for myself since separating from my husband. It’s hard and l can find weekends especially difficult.

I have two friends that l am struggling with and would like some perspectives on how to respond to their behaviour.

Friend 1 is a work colleague. She has been a very good listener and empathetic towards me at work. However l picked up that she was prone to ‘forgetting’ about proposed social arrangements. After several occasions of this, l decided l was happy to have her as a work colleague and not to bother with anything else.

However about a month ago she became quite insistent about us ‘having a night out’ together. We earmarked a good week (although not an actual date) and decided she would stay over at mine as she lives out in the sticks.

However now she has gone all vague on me. I had to chase her to see if it was still happening and in response she has deferred it to next week. I have responded with what dates l am free and now radio silence. I just know she won’t get back. From previous experience she will completely ignore this at work.

I feel cross with myself for agreeing to it in the first place. I don’t know if l should mention it to her as l do find her behaviour upsetting and confusing. I am working on my boundaries at the moment and know l have a tendency to people please and suppress my feelings. However she is my line manager and l am worried that if l speak about ‘the elephant in the room’ then it might create a difficult atmosphere.

Friend 2 is an old friend who again can be lovely but tends to be slow replying to texts. Once she is committed to an arrangement she’s fine, but she can take ages agreeing to do something and sometimes won’t respond to a suggestion and will then just text a few days later asking how l am - but no reference to my suggestion. I find it very frustrating and it’s hard as l am trying to create a life for myself and l accept l have to do much of this work but would so appreciate a timely response so l know where l am and if l am facing an empty weekend or not.

So any wise Mumsnetter’s suggestions of better ways to manage these friendships? How can l tactfully bring up the situation with my work colleague?

Should l start sending texts saying ‘ As l haven’t heard from you, l am assuming it not’s happening?’ Should l give friend 2 more of a time frame to respond Eg ‘Can you let me know by ......? Any helpful suggestions welcome.

The work colleague is not your friend, she's treating you badly. I would go back to just seeing her as a colleague only.

For friend 2 I would try again to push her to commit to a plan. Just literally text her and say "Hey, you didn't reply to my suggestion about X, are you interested? How about X date?" But if she just doesn't acknowledge it for a second time then I'd be questioning this friendship too.

Neither sound like great friendships. I'd accept them at face value for what they are, and find better people to have around you. Which I know is easier said than done, but I'd focus on joining a walking group/reading group/gym.... anything that brings you into contact with other people.

Are you able to do anything where you meet new people? Sounds like you need some more enthusiastic chums..

Have you tried meetup.com? That way you don't have to chase people and you can create a really great and vibrant social life for yourself with a lot less effort, as the meetups are already set up.

I think you should be straightforward and honest with both of them.

Friend 1 - Bring up the dates offered again and ask for confirmation. If she doesn't respond then either don't make plans with her again or if she pops up again at a later date remind her that you have made plans with her in the past that have come to nothing. You don't have to be rude, you just have to state the facts.

Friend 2 - Again remind her of your suggestion, if no response don't go there again.

I have found that saying nothing let's them get away with their behaviour. There's no consequences for them and they can come and go as they please despite the upset it causes you.

Doesn't matter why they do it but you are setting a boundary that states you are not willing to continue down this path with them.

I wouldn't send the messages you've suggested in the last paragraph of your post.

It's good that you're working on your boundaries, but remember that your partner (when you have another one in the future) owes you a lot more in terms of making arrangements etc than a colleague.

I would just let it go and accept that they're flaky.

The 1st friend I would assume it's not happening unless she gives you a definite time/place to meet a few days in advance, don't chase her for it. The second I would remind once or if your feeling brave just don't and see if she actually confirms, maybe she would the day before?
Get out on some dates? fill your time with some company when you don't have much going on.

I can't stand flaky people.

The first one, I'd be frustrated too and I'd now not make plans to meet with her. Don't mention it. Just know you're not setting aside time for her. If she mentions it I'd tell her that she keeps forgetting or changing plans so maybe let's keep things to work time or lunches.

I had a friend who did this and I stopped making plans with her on Fridays and weekends and told her it's because they were prime spots for socialising and she often let me down!

The other one, you could either ask her to respond by X day, or just text her realising you might not get a reply and just see how you feel when she does respond.

I had a friend like this too and I simply don't see her any more. She used to text me asking if I wanted to meet up and when I'd reply saying yes are you free on Friday (for example) she wouldn't reply for weeks. I don't bother with her now. Any time I text her she still says "we'll have to meet up".. I say yes, leaving it to her to make plans, knowing full well she won't. But I'm not invested.

Another friend is always late when we meet. I've told her now annoying and rude I find it and I think she tries but I can tolerate this over simply not turning up or changing plans at the last minute as she does stick to plans. She's just a bit disorganised.

You need to find new friends as you can't rely on these people but I will say that you may find they make more effort if you make less.

Thanks for your replies everyone:-)

I have joined a few groups locally which does help but it’s very early days and doesn’t always feel enough. It tends to work out about something once a week. I did start researching other groups last night!

I do agree with Dacquoise that by saying nothing, they get away with their behaviour. This is an area l really struggle with as l am always worried about upsetting people. But then l think they are upsetting me. I need to value myself as much as l value them...actually more.

Friend 1: “it looks as if you’re really busy - I’ll leave the ball in your court to fix a date to meet up”. Then just leave it and don’t refer to it again.

Friend 2: if you have offered a date and not heard back within a day or so, then just crack on and make your own arrangements. If she responds too late, it’s too late for her.

I’d step back a bit, how were things with these two friends before you separated from your DH? Are you trying to change the way the friendship used to operate because your needs are now different?

Also, did you used to unload on friend 1, eg about your relationship with your ex? If that up was a feature of your friendship. She might be a bit worn out by it, or not have had space to tell you what’s going on in her own life to make her hard to pin down.

Perhaps use these two 'friendships ' as practise for asserting yourself. If you are on the verg3 of giving up on them you have little to use.

Give them an opportunity to firm up plans and if they don't respond with something on the lines of 'It upsets me when you make plans with ne, then don't follow through '. See what they say. You may be surprised. You may not. But I can guarantee you will feel better for holding your own.

Apologies for typos. Fat fingers on small phone!

I don’t think l am massively trying to change the friendships but l do notice not having a partner to ‘do nothing with’

Friend 2 has always been a bit like this tbh and it has upset me in the past. I think l could raise it with her in a gentle way and l would like to think she would be receptive.

Friend 1 - l had already decided not to invest in but she was so insistent l couldn’t think how to refuse. She has listened lots and has been that person there on Monday morning when l have had a rubbish weekend with STBXH being problematic- but l do listen to her too - it is two way.

I guess l am more needy before and maybe that comes across?

I keep friendships firmly out of the workplace. I am friendly with work colleagues but they aren't my friends - it's a boundary I've always maintained for reasons of oneupmanship at work, office politics and years ago, a work friend going off with the guy she knew I liked!

And particularly so if that person is your line manager. It makes things messy.

I guess it comes down to core values?

I just cannot imagine not responding to someone who was offering some dates for a prearranged meet up that l had initiated.

And l would automatically apologise if l had to change or cancel arrangements.

I find it so hard to get my head round this.

Thanks for all the suggestions xx

Yes DuchessOfDisaster - you are absolutely right.

I need to practice some ‘fending off’ phrases for the next time she gets insistent.

I have a flaky friend and I don’t get it either.

I had relocated and had a big off grid holiday and she messaged a couple of times and I replied briefly but I felt awful about it when she was showing an interest.

First chance, I message her for a meet-up and she replied immediately saying yes but she needed to check dates with her husband.

A week later, nothing.

I message again and pointing out I’m stressing over summer running out.

Another week later, nothing.

On Instagram, a pic of her having a nice day out and here I am I’m worrying someone has died.

I deleted her number so I can’t message her again if she carries on leaving me in the dark but I’m gutted that she couldn’t be bothered.

I can’t get my head around it either.

“I’m really sorry but dates are hard to pin down and I want to to xyz. I’m trying but it might not happen unless last minute”. Takes a sec, same effect but I don’t feel worthless.

Agree LouLouLouL, a holding message just to show they are aware of the situation is all that is needed.

I have just had an amusing chat with my son about this. He thinks that l am a slow responder! He is in his twenties and very much of the instant reply generation and thinks anything over a hour is a bit rude.

I tend to reply normally within a few hours but might be at the end of the day if at work. I don’t carry my phone around with me so rarely reply instantly. If someone messages me in the evening l might reply the next morning. I tend to think that over 48 hours is a bit off.

What does everyone else think?

I think you would be best just trying to meet new people. The meet-up.com is a really good idea. You seem lovely by the way I'm sure you are a lovely friend

doesn’t always feel enough

Back off from both of these 'friends'.

Consciously or unconsciously they are signalling that they want to back off a bit so as PP said, just leave the ball in their court. No need to bother teaching them any life lessons, just know how they are.

Meanwhile, fill up your diary with group and individual activities, Meetup.com is a great resource, so you can have a really wide range of things to do with little effort.

I remember the 'weekend' problem when I was newly single, after a weekend of nothing I started looking for regular events.

Some of them came to nothing, some became lifelong friends. The key for me was to spread the risk across lots of possibilities instead of relying on just one or two individuals.

I have one friend who is really poor at responding and/or cancelling at the last minute. I had arranged a walk with her during lockdown and it was important to me as on my day off and meant I hadn't organised anything with anyone else and she cancelled for the third time.

Since then I've mentally filed her in the - nice if it happens, but not to be relied upon.

Your idea of making different friends is the best one.

I only arrange individual things with friends on which I can rely, who if something really does happen to make them late will stay in touch. Any one else I am happy to see at group events, when their not turning up doesn't make any difference.

This seems to be more and more common. I would just leave it with these two friends so not call them out but not try and arrange anything.
As others have said then just try and arrange as much as possible with meet-up etc. Try everything, somethings will be boring but you the more you try the greater the likelihood of meeting good friends.

@Whatdirection

So...l am having to create a new life for myself since separating from my husband. It’s hard and l can find weekends especially difficult.

I have two friends that l am struggling with and would like some perspectives on how to respond to their behaviour.

Friend 1 is a work colleague. She has been a very good listener and empathetic towards me at work. However l picked up that she was prone to ‘forgetting’ about proposed social arrangements. After several occasions of this, l decided l was happy to have her as a work colleague and not to bother with anything else.

However about a month ago she became quite insistent about us ‘having a night out’ together. We earmarked a good week (although not an actual date) and decided she would stay over at mine as she lives out in the sticks.

However now she has gone all vague on me. I had to chase her to see if it was still happening and in response she has deferred it to next week. I have responded with what dates l am free and now radio silence. I just know she won’t get back. From previous experience she will completely ignore this at work.

I feel cross with myself for agreeing to it in the first place. I don’t know if l should mention it to her as l do find her behaviour upsetting and confusing. I am working on my boundaries at the moment and know l have a tendency to people please and suppress my feelings. However she is my line manager and l am worried that if l speak about ‘the elephant in the room’ then it might create a difficult atmosphere.

Friend 2 is an old friend who again can be lovely but tends to be slow replying to texts. Once she is committed to an arrangement she’s fine, but she can take ages agreeing to do something and sometimes won’t respond to a suggestion and will then just text a few days later asking how l am - but no reference to my suggestion. I find it very frustrating and it’s hard as l am trying to create a life for myself and l accept l have to do much of this work but would so appreciate a timely response so l know where l am and if l am facing an empty weekend or not.

So any wise Mumsnetter’s suggestions of better ways to manage these friendships? How can l tactfully bring up the situation with my work colleague?

Should l start sending texts saying ‘ As l haven’t heard from you, l am assuming it not’s happening?’ Should l give friend 2 more of a time frame to respond Eg ‘Can you let me know by ......? Any helpful suggestions welcome.

Friend 1 is tricky. She's first and foremost your manager, so I think it'll always be hard to form a true friendship with her. As you mention, your position at work could be compromised if your relationship outside of work somehow becomes strained or sour. In your shoes, I would just distance myself from her as a friend and treat her as what she essentially is: a colleague. You can be good colleagues, but I just wouldn't take things further with her.

As for friend 2, I just wouldn't commit to anything with her unless she suggests a set date, time and activity. But that's because I hate vague suggestions...I would never suggest meeting up with someone without having a few dates, times and activities ready to suggest to the other person.

I would honestly try to either enjoy my own company more, or try to make new friends that are more eager to meet up and do things together. It shouldn't be tideous to have friends...