Flaky friends - how would you manage?

[Whatdirection]

So...l am having to create a new life for myself since separating from my husband. It’s hard and l can find weekends especially difficult.

I have two friends that l am struggling with and would like some perspectives on how to respond to their behaviour.

Friend 1 is a work colleague. She has been a very good listener and empathetic towards me at work. However l picked up that she was prone to ‘forgetting’ about proposed social arrangements. After several occasions of this, l decided l was happy to have her as a work colleague and not to bother with anything else.

However about a month ago she became quite insistent about us ‘having a night out’ together. We earmarked a good week (although not an actual date) and decided she would stay over at mine as she lives out in the sticks.

However now she has gone all vague on me. I had to chase her to see if it was still happening and in response she has deferred it to next week. I have responded with what dates l am free and now radio silence. I just know she won’t get back. From previous experience she will completely ignore this at work.

I feel cross with myself for agreeing to it in the first place. I don’t know if l should mention it to her as l do find her behaviour upsetting and confusing. I am working on my boundaries at the moment and know l have a tendency to people please and suppress my feelings. However she is my line manager and l am worried that if l speak about ‘the elephant in the room’ then it might create a difficult atmosphere.

Friend 2 is an old friend who again can be lovely but tends to be slow replying to texts. Once she is committed to an arrangement she’s fine, but she can take ages agreeing to do something and sometimes won’t respond to a suggestion and will then just text a few days later asking how l am - but no reference to my suggestion. I find it very frustrating and it’s hard as l am trying to create a life for myself and l accept l have to do much of this work but would so appreciate a timely response so l know where l am and if l am facing an empty weekend or not.

So any wise Mumsnetter’s suggestions of better ways to manage these friendships? How can l tactfully bring up the situation with my work colleague?

Should l start sending texts saying ‘ As l haven’t heard from you, l am assuming it not’s happening?’ Should l give friend 2 more of a time frame to respond Eg ‘Can you let me know by ......? Any helpful suggestions welcome.

Yes l agree about vague suggestions generally being unhelpful.

With friend 2, l have noticed that she operates best if l text a suggestion with a definite date with maybe a two week notice period so she has plenty of ‘take up time’. She is more likely to get on board. Where l have gone wrong this time is suggest something specific but have been open about what day it could be over the weekend. She has reacted positively but not said a day. So l then ask what day suits you and then there is silence. So l am no further forward.

I have been thinking about my attitude to uncertainty and how l like to have things planned and organised. It reassures me. I think l need to accept that l am entering a new phase in my life and it will take time to adjust and to create a fuller social life. I am quite good at doing things on my own but when l get low it’s hard to motivate myself.

Crumpet1 had good advice (and so did everyone else). AS above, don't get close to your line manager, it can be really difficult.

@AllAroundTheWorldYeah

The work colleague is not your friend, she's treating you badly. I would go back to just seeing her as a colleague only.

For friend 2 I would try again to push her to commit to a plan. Just literally text her and say "Hey, you didn't reply to my suggestion about X, are you interested? How about X date?" But if she just doesn't acknowledge it for a second time then I'd be questioning this friendship too.

I agree with this. Good luck op and well done for deciding to build up your network and social life. Friend 2 sounds fine, just slightly different communication style (while you think she's ignoring you she might just be figuring things out in the background) but don't over rely on her, be open to new friends too.

Stop investing in these friendships. It’s time to build a new social life

I think you should ask yourself why should you have to 'manage' flaky friends.

True friends aren't hard work.

I know someone who I thought was a good friend (we spent a lot of time together when our DS's were babies) and for 3 consecutive summers she has asked to meet up with our DS's.

I suggested some dates/asked her when was good for her etc - and then didn't hear anything for weeks afterwards with a pathetic: 'sorry I've been a bit busy'.

On the 3rd time (this summer) I didn't even bother responding.

I’d suggest trying to make some new friends can you go to the gym or somewhere to meet new people? I’m in a similar position and now just focus on life day to day.

Don't take it personally - a lot of people can be like that these days. I can never understand it myself as even if I couldn't make something I'd still respond politely and suggest an alternative. It's not you - it's them.

Stop trying to manage the friendships. Any friendship that needs managing to stay in course is at best a bit sickly and needs both friends to look after it for a bit if it’s going to get back to good health not just one.

Decide for yourself whether if either of them try to make a firm date whether you will go along with that or not. But don’t initiate anything.

You might decide to go along with your work friend’s suggestions but never set any store by them, so you both keep the peace at work and don’t suffer disappointment.

You might decide to do along with old friend’s suggestion if she makes one, but resolve not to make any more suggestions until she has initiated plans and those plans have happened (and then probably a bit of time too).

You totally can back off without burning bridges, and leave your emotional and social energy for forging new connections.

I can see that l do try hard to manage these friendships and that’s not healthy. I’m thinking to myself if only l respond in a certain way then l can cut down on the ambivalence.

Friend 1 - l am not really bothered about and if she gets back now after her silence (and l doubt she will) l think l will just say l now have plans.

Friend 2 is trickier - we go back a long way and care a great deal for each other. But my need to see her is always stronger than her need to see me. So l find myself doing the initiating. I do try to step back - like at the weekend l resisted an urge to ask for a phone chat but then l started panicking about an empty bank holiday weekend and made a suggestion.

I can find plenty of things to do during the week but weekends are always harder. It’s actually quite difficult to find a club that meets at the weekend that isn’t sports based. I have a bit of a dodgy hip at the moment so that rules long walks out.

OP,

I think that you should keep your private life separate to work.

You need your job.
Do nothing to jeopardise this.
Don't confide too much and keep your private life separate.
If things go tits up with your friend, you are vulnerable.

Don't put yourself in a vulnerable position unnecessarily.

Really stress is putting your career at risk.

Friend 2, suggest a date, if she doesn't confirm, take it as not convenient, text her that and leave it at that.

Flaky friends are not friends.
They take your peace and make you feel like shit.
So not worth the effort.

Look at walking, hill walking, tennis, rowing.
All sports that are welcoming I believe.

Don't invest and waste time on relationships that are flaky.
Move on.

Fully investigate all groups, sports, volunteering groups in your area.

Friend 1 - definitely flaky. Leave the ball in her court and keep your expectations low
Friend 2 maybe needs a bit of patience and compromise. Not everyone replies fast. Maybe suggest something small, a coffee or whatever, if you think she might not want to commit too much of a weekend.

Agree, these things are frustrating!

Wise words billy1966

I have actually taken up tennis with another (non flaky) friend. We are both thoroughly enjoying it - we tend to meet once a fortnight.

Trouble is my sporting ability is weak. I would never be good enough to join a club. I do go for slow runs but most people walking fast could overtake me!

I did think of starting my own book club as l love reading as there’s not one local. Volunteering is a good idea. I also could do some online learning as well l guess.

Thank you all so much for your support. It has made me feel less alone today.

PS Friend 2 has now got back and confirmed a date - hurrah:-)

For friend 1 I’d just leave it and next time she says we must have a night out, reply in a jokey way and say haha well it never happens!

I would suggest that maybe you look for any classes or groups to make new friends.

I am similar in ways as I have 2/3 friends all whom flake out regularly

Volunteering at parkrun could be a good way to meet people.

Bless you I’ve been in your shoes and moved back to my original hometown and didn’t really know anyone so had to start again. I think classes/ the gym is a good way to meet someone and have a laugh too :)

OP I joined my local W.I which is very active, I’ve seen other people make friends there. It runs activities once a week and also occasionally at weekends. It’s not sport oriented at all 🙂
I’ve strengthened friendships by joining up and I’ve noticed other women making friends and doing social things outside of the WI. I’d give it a go if only if it’s for the interesting and stimulating lectures!