I like him but how do I know if he's still single?

[Maria53]

Can't give specific details as could be outing

I met a guy as part of a group before the pandemic. We would often end up chatting together just the 2 of us & I had a strong sense that the feeling was mutual. But - he never asked me out. Finally I asked him to come as my +1 to an event, he said yes but that was cancelled as it was the same week as lockdown 1.

We kept in touch over the last year but he never asked me out when things were lifted. We've seen each other more lately through our larger group - the connection is still there, he make strong eye contact & stays close to me. I do feel strongly about him, similarly to how I felt about long term ex boyfriend.

So I've asked him to come to a meal and drinks with friends and he has accepted (I haven't told any of these friends how I feel fyi).

But what is giving me pause - I don't know his relationship status. A couple of months ago I noticed a new woman commenting on his social media & I had a feeling there was something there. He mentioned her in passing recently not as a girlfriend or friend but as 'someone I know has a bla bla.'

So I reckon either:

1. he is dating this person
2. he is possibly interested in both of us at this stage

How would you approach this if you were me interested on dating him?

He's Just not that into you if he hasn't asked you out.
Sorry.

Ask him when you next chat if hes seeing anyone at the minute. Worst that happens is he says 'yes I am dating someone' and you know the score.

Ask!

Just ask him?

I'd just flat out ask "are you dating anyone at the moment?"

If he replies 'no' then you are golden. If he umms and awws or gives wishywashy nonsense then dont waste any more time on him.

@Guineapigbridge it's not as straight forward as that. There is another important reason why he might be reluctant and as I said, I don't feel I can say explicitly because it would be outing and I know a friend is on here

I do think it is positive that he accepted my invite at the weekend though?

Just ask him ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

Ooft I feel it would be very obvious just to come out and ask! especially as I've never asked him anything like that before. I'd almost need to shoehorn it in.

I had been hoping to turn up the flirting a bit when/if we get a moment alone together and see how he reacts. Obviously I'd be mortified if he was dating someone but I think he has been very receptive last 2 times I've seen him

OP if it's more complicated than just asking - then it's TOO complicated.

What did he used to date your sister or something? Even so theres no reason you cant ask if he is dating or not. It's not expressing interest to simply ask these things.

Maybe theres some reason I cant think if...but buggered if I know what would mean asking a friend if he is seeing someone would be an issue.

[quote Maria53]@Guineapigbridge it's not as straight forward as that. There is another important reason why he might be reluctant and as I said, I don't feel I can say explicitly because it would be outing and I know a friend is on here

I do think it is positive that he accepted my invite at the weekend though?[/quote]
On the basis of this, forget it

I've messaged @Pinkbonbon privately as I said my reason could be outing.

But maybe I am over thinking it and should find a way to ask him if he is dating. And if he says 'no, I'm not' - well I suppose it would open up a further conversation

Even if he isn't dating anyone it still doesn't mean that he sees you as more than a friend which is why you need to explicitly state your interest in him. As if he's single first, if he is, ask him out and make it clear it is a date. You'll just round in circles for months otherwise.

If you don't want to ask him if you start seeing more regularly you'll probably get to know sooner or later...

I suppose @Miseryl that I don't have a lot of dating experience compared to relationship experience.

Both long term exes were friends first and evolved out of increasing physical closeness and affection which lead to admitting feelings. Actually with the second boyfriend I had to flat out kiss him as he thought I just saw him as a friend and needed to be hit over the head with it!

I feel like I'd be really putting myself on the line to just come out with it. But the alternative of doing nothing isn't appealing either.

Middle ground is making hints. Why not just wing it?

If he’s hesitant because of age gap / he’s friend of your parents or something then I can understand him being a bit awkward asking questions about whether he’s single.

Otherwise it really shouldn’t be so hard.

Or you could go all 'Jackie' magazine and read up about body language!

I feel like I'd be really putting myself on the line to just come out with it

You've liked him for two years now so you're going to have to "put yourself on the line". How many more years are you prepared to dither about?

This thread is far too vague and cryptic to advise further. Mumsnet has around 150 million users, I doubt it would be outing to give more details

Ha ha @grasstreeleaf the signs are all there with body language. Strong eye contact/sparkle in the eye, staying close together/constantly brushing against each other, the stupid grin he has whenever we talk which makes me feel gooey. the way he looks at me

I'd be up for being a bit more forward with him when we are out @grasstreeleaf ...just not sure what that would look like...

I didn't used to be like this! I used to find this dating thing easy but I work myself up about it now. The stakes seem higher when you've been through a heart break.

You should probably ask a bunch of strangers on the internet who don't know him and let them guess.

Or you could ask him?
Or ask someone who knows him who might know or be able to ask without embarrassment?

I could possibly ask our mutual friend @ThirdThoughts. He might try and play match maker if it turns out he is single!

When's the meal with your friends? Ask him if he wants to go for a drink just the two of you afterwards.

I think you need to ask him when you meet up for a meal. It's not great to be flirting with someone when you don't know if they're in a relationship? For all you know he's just up for a bit on the side so find out first. You could end up being very hurt otherwise.

I can't help wondering why this hasn't come up if you've been friends for nearly two years

It doesn't have to be difficult to drop it into conversation. Something like; I found it quite tough being single during the lockdown, how did you find it, or do you have a partner? Or..do you go out socialising much these days or are you with someone?

Just bite the bullet. Hope it works out for you

OP if it's more complicated than just asking - then it's TOO complicated

Well said, @Pinkbonbon. OP, it's not mortifying to as if he's seeing someone and he says yes. It's not even a reflection on you. It literally has no bearing on you whatsoever.

It's not a romantic novel. You seem to actively want to play games.

@SmileyClare I don't think he's in a relationship. If anything I reckon it would be early stages of dating.

But I care about fidelity so I'd definitely want to know for sure. You've given me some ideas for how to work it into the conversation, which feel I could do and easier than blankly asking if he is dating.