DP relieved about my miscarriage

[theworldsbiggestcrocodile]

I had a miscarriage about a month ago. The pregnancy was unplanned and it was quite early on-9 weeks or so.
I would like a baby but I'm not desperate for one. Nevertheless I've found the whole thing quite upsetting. DP is in the middle of a very stressful situation with his ex wife and some other work stuff. I've hidden most of how I feel about the miscarriage from him due to that, though he did know I was sad about it.
We've discussed it this evening and he's said he was relieved about it. He recognised that jars with how I feel about it. At least he's been honest I suppose but it's made me feel really rubbish. I don't know how we sort this out now-I'm really upset.
On one level I realise it's silly to be sad about a baby that was barely even a thing, and that might not have been ideal, and I don't want it to wreck our relationship. On the other hand I feel really disconcerted that he would feel relieved about it and not sad at all. It's making me question the whole relationship. Has anyone any advice for how to get past this?

V sorry you’re going through this.

It’s not at all ‘silly’ for you to be sad and upset.

Your DP feels differently, which is also very difficult for you. His honesty means that you at least know your thoughts and feelings on this are v different.

Really sorry for your loss.
It totally is a loss. That's how YOU feel.
I feel sad you've been negating your feelings to shield your partner.
Why is it ok for him to have feelings/stresses but not you?
He was very brave to be so honest although very tactless at this moment in time imo.
I understand how hurtful hearing that would feel for you.
If you're generally happy in the relationship and your needs are normally met and heard can you
A) talk some more about this
B) agree to talk about it when you're ready??
If children is something you can see in your future does he feel the same?
Take some time to do some self care. You owe yourself that 💐💐💐💐

The issue is you two saw this baby and the loss very differently.

You saw all that could've been, possibly even bonded and to you it was your baby.

For him it wasn't a baby yet, just one extra thing to worry about, possibly even a burden and definitely no bond. Even if there is any sadness, the overwhelming feeling for him is relief.

You do need to have a chat however and try and figure out if his relief is situational (all the other things going on) or if it's because he actually doesn't want more children .

Has he been sensitive and supportive of you? If so, then that’s the main thing. He didn’t want the pregnancy and whilst that’s clearly upsetting if you did, you can’t expect him to lie about it and I don’t think it’s something that should be a dealbreaker for your relationship if prior to the miscarriage he was prepared to step up and support whichever choice you made.

You need to discuss what the future looks like. If you’d like children, establish whether he also would and when he sees that ideally happening. Having more certainty about the future and that you’re both on the same page may help settle your current worries about the relationship.

Has he moved on from his ex wife? If he's going through stuff with her and work maybe he doesn't feel this is a the right time but big conversations need to be had in a few months time if a baby is what you want. Maybe cut him a bit of slack for now but keep an eye on it, I can understand why you feel the way you do though.

it's silly to be sad about a baby that was barely even a thing, and that might not have been ideal

Not at all @theworldsbiggestcrocodile . A lot of us have suffered a loss in the first trimester and I'm sure it was really upsetting to most of us, even in cases when the circumstances aren't perfect. When you find out you're pregnant you start imagining your future life and it takes up a lot of your thoughts for most of your pregnancy. Even a few weeks is a lot of imagining that future. Then if you suffer a loss the future you imagined is snatched away, and it takes a while to adjust to that, let alone the grief for the loss of your LO (and it is grief and it's normal and healthy, but sad.)

Men can be a bit clueless about miscarriage- they don't know what to say and also the pregnancy isn't always as real for them.

He sounds self-absorbed and insensitive, though.

It sounds as if both of you are having a hard time, so it's not unreasonable for you both to have difficult feelings. I think it's good that he's been honest.

We have four kids between us already. And at 40 and 46 (him) it's a bit late in life to be adding another into the mix. From a practical point of view it wouldn't be ideal and I recognise that. We discussed it and id accepted there wouldn't be another baby in the mix which was fine until there was...so I get that his response to it is in no way unreasonable.

His reaction has just made me feel a bit...worthless I think. Or it's made me wonder about his level of commitment maybe. I feel a bit lonely with it all.
He loathes his ex wife. But I'm very aware that that can be as all consuming as if he was still hung up on her-and that can be draining to our relationship. He'd be the first to say he was a little self absorbed and I knew that from the get go. Usually it doesn't bother me and I ground him a little bit with that and and it works in terms of our relationship -but I don't feel able to do that this time. Of the two of us I'm usually cheerful and optimistic and he can be anxious and glass half empty.This last year has been endless stress for him and I've done what I can to support him with that-but we don't work as well when I'm not feeling happy.

I do need to grieve this properly I think, in my own way. Without putting that on him too much. I had a late miscarriage during my first marriage, before I had Dd1 and this has dredged up a bit of how I felt then-and I don't think I'd acknowledged that properly.
I can't stop crying these last few days and that's not me at all.
On top of all that dd2 is being a colossal pain (14 year old style) and work is a bit weird right now-I am about to leave a job of my own volition as the company were pretty awful and I've just got another job elsewhere but it's unsettling-and it's all just a bit much.

Thanks everyone for the replies

You're both allowed to feel differently. Both normal reactions and nothing to feel shit about. It is what it is, he was honest about not wanting a baby at such a stressful timeS

Just be there for eachother. He's not wrong to feel that way and neither are you.

In the context you’ve given, I would appreciate his honesty. I’m so sorry for your loss.

I am so so sorry for your loss. Please do not be feeling silly for the way that you're feeling.

I've had several losses and I grieved every single time. As they were my babies. Especially after having seen them on scans etc and me assuming the first time that I would have a little one coming as I hadn't experienced loss before and stupidly thought it wouldn't happen to me....

You're entitled to grieve for your loss. Please do not feel as though you cannot talk about how you're feeling as you need to get it out. Don't be thinking due to being nine weeks that makes it any less as it doesn't - still your baby. You should be able to talk openly about how you're feeling as bottling it all up inside is not a good way at all. I tried that before and it all ended up coming out at a later time and was all so much worse it coming out then.

I would feel similar to you if I had another miscarriage and I was told by the father what you were. It is very insensitive and not what you're needing right now particularly when you're grieving but feel like you can't express yourself. I would be so hurt by his reaction. Despite what is going on it doesn't really excuse him being so blunt with what he said. A lot of the time circumstances aren't ideal at all and circumstances can be a whole lot worse so again, I would be beyond upset.

Take the time you need and please take care of yourself. You've been through an awful lot so please be gentle with yourself. There are organisations out there that can help listen and that are specifically for this age range and others who help support and listen to all losses. As a loss is a loss. That's if you feel you need to talk and feel free to let it all out so you're not having to keep it all inside. Thinking of you

I meant to add that I understand completely about previous memories being brought to the surface again. Especially ones that have been tucked away for so long. Plenty feel that way also as to experience it again is beyond words. I do not mean any offense at all to people who have had one loss as that is also horrific regardless. Be gentle and take as long as you need. The added stress with a teenager and their ever so lovely mood changes will also not be helping right now. It always seems to get worse at the worse possible times.

I'd be very careful about enmeshing yourself with this divorced man & father who "loathes" his ex wife. Doesn't make him.soubd like particularly wonderful relationship material. And you've heard presumably nothing from her point of view about his behaviour abd the breakdown of their marriage.

Sorry to be blunt but you need to sort your contraception big time.

You nothing agreed you'd have no more kids, he was happy with that, it's clear he's happy this pregnancy has ended. it's unlikely to ve a different in future.

If he doesn't want any more, why hasn't he had a vasectomy.

*You both agreed

He'd be the first to say he was a little self absorbed and I knew that from the get go. Usually it doesn't bother me and I ground him a little bit with that and and it works in terms of our relationship -but I don't feel able to do that this time. Of the two of us I'm usually cheerful and optimistic and he can be anxious and glass half empty.

Doesn't sound like fantastic relationship material. Hrs stlf absorbed, abd you have yo be the cheerful, upbeat one all the time.... rather exhausting and why should you have to be; you've both been through relationship breakdowns, both have jobs, both have kids .... doesn't sound equal. Women always seem to martyr themselves like this.

Sorry about your past loss, too. Even more understandable that this has upset you.

Your OP mentioned that you would like another DC: think that sounds a terrible, terrible plan in your circumstances! Would be extra careful with contraception.

He loathes his ex wife with valid reason But he treats her with fairness and acts well towards her-he just vents to me.

Yep. Vasectomy is a conversation we will need to have.

I've recently had my coil removed as it didn't agree with me so we were using condoms one of which broke.

I take the point about why I always have to be upbeat. The relationship has been one sided in that respect just due to all the stuff he has going on. That does need to be addressed.

He loathes his ex wife with valid reason

There tends to be two sides to every story ; unless you have qually open & intimate communication with both people (impossible when you're in a relationship with one) you will never really know both sides.

I've been in a relationship where the man could (and did) tell people things about me and the relationship; but he conveniently left out his own considerable "contributions" to its breakdown. I wasn't in a position to defend myself to those people and tell them the full story, and what he said has stood. That happens a lot.

I'm genuinely not trying to be unpleasant but why didn't you get the map after the condom broke.

He needs to get a vasectomy and or you need to go for tubal ligation or try a coil again etc.

Aside from that the tolerating and supporting abd bearing the load seems to ge falling much more to you in this relationship, not really healthy or fair.

He couldn't even be more tactful about the miscarriage out if consideration for you, but it's actually a good thing you know clearly how he feels in terms of contraception choices ongoing.

I'm aware that there are always three sides to a relationship breakdown, his, hers and the truth somewhere in the middle-that was certainly the case with my own marriage breakdown. But loathing your ex doesn't make you a bad person.

DP's ex wife had an affair with one of his family members. And has since done everything she can to deny him access to his children. Thankfully this was resolved last week in court where the judge saw through her behaviour. So, as I said, fairly valid reasons to loathe someone. But that's immaterial to this other than the point about him having had an incredibly stressful time of it and this baby and the miscarriage probably being a bit much for him.

Yes probably should have taken the morning after pill. But I didn't. So we are where we are.

Has this changed your mind on not having any more children?

I think that’s the pertinent point.

It’s possible that his reaction has made you realise that you’re not just grieving this baby, but your precious loss, and the idea of any future babies too. That’s a lot to handle.

It also sounds like things are very unbalanced in your relationship. The situation with his ex aside, a lot of the “balancing out” falls to you. That’s okay if you’re able to do it, but leaves you feeling unsupported and lost when you need to lean on him and he’s not there.

Both of those need separate plans of attack. But if this has shown you that you want another baby; and he doesn’t, that time is going to be much better spent exploring what options you have.

I do need to grieve this properly I think, in my own way. Without putting that on him too much.

You wouldn't be doing anything wrong by sharing your feelings with your partner. You should feel it's ok to turn to your partner for support. Keeping it to yourself isn't good for you. You needing support might even strengthen the relationship if he isn't completely shit.

I had a late miscarriage during my first marriage, before I had Dd1 and this has dredged up a bit of how I felt then-and I don't think I'd acknowledged that properly. I can't stop crying these last few days and that's not me at all. On top of all that dd2 is being a colossal pain (14 year old style) and work is a bit weird right now-I am about to leave a job of my own volition as the company were pretty awful and I've just got another job elsewhere but it's unsettling-and it's all just a bit much.

This is all stuff you should be able to let off steam about with your partner. It's really not good that you don't feel he would be ok with that/able to respond appropriately.

How long have you been with him?

We've been together two and a half years.
I had come to terms with the fact that they would be no more babies for me and assumed it would be highly unlikely to happen at my age anyway. So it's not like it was a plan to have more that he has gone back on, it's just that when it happened, his response hasn't matched mine and that's thrown me off.

He is quite highly strung I guess. And I'm laid back and in that way we work well as a couple. I don't see it as a chore to support him and he brings stuff to me that I wouldn't necessarily get on my own-he's ambitious and he drives certain other aspects of our relationship so it has balanced out. Until now because I'm not myself and that's throwing the rest off kilter...

Why did you think pregnancy was unlikely at 40? That was not your best use of judgment.