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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate myself

26 replies

MummaMinxi · 16/08/2021 22:47

I've been with my partner for 13 years, we have 5 children, 2 are his biologically and 1 of my eldest (twins of 16) put herself into care back in February (long, different story).
I don't think I've been happy in the relationship for many years. I don't have friends due to losing them over the years thanks to my partners drinking behaviour around them and me not really being able to go out due to his drinking meaning I could never leave the kids with him.
If I buy new clothes, I have to make sure I'm completely covered because my partner says men will ogle & perve over me. Or he tells me I don't have the body for certain things, I'm not even allowed to wear a swimming costume without the skirt thing attached so my vagina isn't on show. He constantly makes comments about work colleagues (men) who I've got working relationships with, eventhough I've never actually met them as I work fully from home. He has hit me in the past, which I pressed charges for and has also spat on me because he wasn't allowed to hit me anymore. I've thrown him out but he was such a mess, I thought he was going to die & I can't bare the kids blaming me for his death.
I watched a film the other day & the narrative hit me hard, a woman felt so trapped in her relationship but knew if she left he would never truly let her be free, she ended up killing herself and I completely understood why which broke my heart.
He is an alcoholic so sometimes I sit and plan for after his death, I hate myself for it but sometimes I will it and it kills my soul.
I am so weak and will never be free but am also an awful horrible person for wishing death upon someone. I'm just so lost, disgusted with myself and just needed to let it all out.
Please, I don't need to be told how awful I am because I already know!

OP posts:
Stormyequine · 16/08/2021 22:52

You are not awful. You just sound ground down by the abusive relationship you are in. Can you contact any local domestic abuse organisations for help? It may not seem possible now but you can be free, and life can be better than this.

Anordinarymum · 16/08/2021 22:58

Putting it down for us to read is a massive step to take, and your first.
Please don't let it be the last.
Take comfort in the knowledge that I for one was disturbed and horrified by what you said and you don't deserve any of it.

Life has to be better than this. Get advice from people on here who know what you should do next. I wish you well x x

Helensweet · 16/08/2021 23:03

Please be assured that you are a decent and valuable person. There are many organisations out there that will help. Contact one.
You and your children deserve much more.
You have given this relationship enough of your time and tears.
You are being abused. You really are worth much more.

IfIHadAHeart · 17/08/2021 01:18

I think your children are more likely to blame you for putting them through staying with an abusive alcoholic twat to be honest.

If you refuse to put yourself first please put them first. They deserve so much more (as do you).

mstumble · 17/08/2021 01:39

You are brave for posting this. I think you are stronger than you think. Get the help you need, leave him, be free and be happy. Do it for your children.

Kintsugi16 · 17/08/2021 04:35

This post is so sad to read.
Do be honest with yourself though, does this self hatred come from your affair? Are you justifying it to yourself?

Bogeyes · 17/08/2021 05:09

Leave him. He is ruining your life. You are not responsible for his actions if he takes his own life (he is probably talking rubbish anyway). You deserve better and you only have one life. Don't waste it on this horrible man.

pog100 · 17/08/2021 06:49

@Kintsugi16

This post is so sad to read. Do be honest with yourself though, does this self hatred come from your affair? Are you justifying it to yourself?
Huh?? What affair? You seem to have misread in a way that could be very damaging. OP you are not in any way awful, you are reacting to bring trapped. You desperately need help from the outside. Is there anyway you can contact al-anon? They are a very supportive organisation for the people affected by other's alcoholism. I'm absolutely sure you can find a way out of this!
GorgonzolaSouffle · 17/08/2021 06:54

@Kintsugi16

Where does it say she had an affair?

🙄🙄🙄

Don’t make stuff up…..she’s obviously in a lot of pain.

HettySunshine · 17/08/2021 07:05

You mention on another thread that you are involved with your ex. Would he be a position to help you leave?

I don't mean that you would love this him but could he help you with the practicalities? You and your children need to be free of of your abusive partner so you can start to find yourselves again.

Do you have any other family?

Inthesameboatatmo · 17/08/2021 07:22

I'm coming from the angle of being the child in a situation like this .
You need to leave ,it is damaging enough for you think of the kids in all this .
I wished every single day that my mum would leave my father, she didnt.
I'm damaged ok. I know it's hard right now but ultimately the children are paramount in all this.

Choice4567 · 17/08/2021 07:26

@Kintsugi16Confused

Whydidimarryhim · 17/08/2021 07:31

Hi op this is horrendous.
You cannot cure him, you cannot change him and you have no control over him.
He’s an abusive adduct.
You are very vulnerable.
Can you call Alanon?
Can you get him out or are you co-dependent on him? You feel responsible for him?
Can you afford counselling or you can get some via your GP maybe.
It’s not healthy is it.
You must feel desperate and despondent at times.
Yes I’m sure you’d wish he would die at times. Your human.
Are social services involved at all?
X

Kintsugi16 · 17/08/2021 07:45

I’m not making stuff up and am being supportive of the OP. It’s a sad situation.

It is important that the OP is honest with herself though. Affairs are incredibly stressful and I’m not sure she is in the best mental state to cope with that situation.

Undoubtably she should leave her current relationship but I also believe she needs professional help, MN is great for supportive words but not necessarily the best place for advice in these circumstances.

Choice4567 · 17/08/2021 08:12

@Kintsugi16 but why do you think she’s having an affair? There’s literally nothing about that in the OP

Kintsugi16 · 17/08/2021 08:29

The OP posted twice about it last night.
I happened to read those posts immediately before I clicked this thread.

There’s obviously a lot going on here and the OP really does need professional help and advice.

DuchessOfDisaster · 17/08/2021 08:53

@Kintsugi16

The OP posted twice about it last night. I happened to read those posts immediately before I clicked this thread.

There’s obviously a lot going on here and the OP really does need professional help and advice.

I read those posts too.
DuchessOfDisaster · 17/08/2021 08:53

[quote Choice4567]@Kintsugi16 but why do you think she’s having an affair? There’s literally nothing about that in the OP[/quote]
She's posted about it on a thread about cheaters.

Original poster
MummaMinxi · 17/08/2021 10:46

[quote Choice4567]@Kintsugi16 but why do you think she’s having an affair? There’s literally nothing about that in the OP[/quote]
I am. I slept with my ex a few weeks ago.
Years ago I would never have dreamt of an affair but now I have no regrets or guilt.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummaMinxi · 17/08/2021 10:48

@HettySunshine

You mention on another thread that you are involved with your ex. Would he be a position to help you leave?

I don't mean that you would love this him but could he help you with the practicalities? You and your children need to be free of of your abusive partner so you can start to find yourselves again.

Do you have any other family?

Unfortunately at the moment no & he doesn't know the full extent of it. Plus, I don't want him in a position where he could get physically hurt, my partner is an aggressive violent person. He threatened to burn the house down when I asked him to leave last time
OP posts:
Original poster
MummaMinxi · 17/08/2021 11:02

@Kintsugi16

I’m not making stuff up and am being supportive of the OP. It’s a sad situation.

It is important that the OP is honest with herself though. Affairs are incredibly stressful and I’m not sure she is in the best mental state to cope with that situation.

Undoubtably she should leave her current relationship but I also believe she needs professional help, MN is great for supportive words but not necessarily the best place for advice in these circumstances.

I honestly feel no stress but do feel fear. If my partner was to find out he would, no doubt, beat me to a pulp but honestly, it would mean I was finally free. I have only slept with my ex once but we do talk everyday. I'm not silly, I know I'm probably clinging onto my memories of my ex and wanting to be with him because I am so unhappy in my current situation...grass is always greener and that but after years and years of feeling broken, belittled and like a piece of property, being with my ex makes me feel like a person again xx
OP posts:
TooManyPlatesInMotion · 17/08/2021 11:47

Op, you are not awful. You do deserve more from life than this, as do your children.

Speaking from experience, I woukd have been delighted if my mum had left my drunken and violent dad. Over the moon. I wouldn't have minded a bit of chaos while she got things sorted, or there being less money than usual. I would have taken all that any day. I knew my mum loved me, but I did not feel safe growing up. I wanted to feel safe more than anything else.

Your circumstances sound desperate. People in dire straits do desperate things, like sleeping with sn ex if he shows a bit of kindness etc. But please, please, for your own sake and that of your kids, seek help to get out.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/08/2021 12:05

Is your ex the father of your eldest 3? Is there a possibility that those 3 could live with him for a little while?

Alternatively - you previously found the strength to get him out. Despite all his threats and attempts to intimidate you. It was when he appealed to your kindness and decency as a human that you crumbled and took him back.

It's very common for people to need to attempt to leave an abusive relationship several times before it actually sticks.

How can we help you to stay strong if you make him leave again? But before you take that step, contact Women's Aid or the local police force because you need to be careful - leaving an abuser can be the riskiest time.

You and your kids deserve to get away from this foul man. You are not an awful person. You are a victim of abuse and you have been ground down over the years. You deserve happiness and peace 💐

doubleshotcappuccino · 17/08/2021 12:28

As the daughter of a violent alcoholic can I urge you to get the help you need. I know it's not easy but your children need your strength so that they don't have to spend a lifetime putting themselves back together. Don't hate yourself - you are not to blame - but you are an adult and can put the kids first -I wish my mum had left rather than having to see what we had to see and experience .

Original poster
MummaMinxi · 17/08/2021 12:54

I am just so scared to leave. I know if I told him I've cheated that it would instantly end things but would also be violence involved. He also has some sort of strong hold over our youngest daughter(12), she doesn't see what I and her siblings do. I understand that, she adores her dad & is his favourite so I get it.
I've had social involved for different reasons but he always convinces them he's this amazing, perfect guy. I don't feel like I would be believed if I speak out because I have no proof, no one sees him the way I do or they do but just tell me how strong I am to stay.

OP posts:
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