I've been with my partner for 13 years, we have 5 children, 2 are his biologically and 1 of my eldest (twins of 16) put herself into care back in February (long, different story).
I don't think I've been happy in the relationship for many years. I don't have friends due to losing them over the years thanks to my partners drinking behaviour around them and me not really being able to go out due to his drinking meaning I could never leave the kids with him.
If I buy new clothes, I have to make sure I'm completely covered because my partner says men will ogle & perve over me. Or he tells me I don't have the body for certain things, I'm not even allowed to wear a swimming costume without the skirt thing attached so my vagina isn't on show. He constantly makes comments about work colleagues (men) who I've got working relationships with, eventhough I've never actually met them as I work fully from home. He has hit me in the past, which I pressed charges for and has also spat on me because he wasn't allowed to hit me anymore. I've thrown him out but he was such a mess, I thought he was going to die & I can't bare the kids blaming me for his death.
I watched a film the other day & the narrative hit me hard, a woman felt so trapped in her relationship but knew if she left he would never truly let her be free, she ended up killing herself and I completely understood why which broke my heart.
He is an alcoholic so sometimes I sit and plan for after his death, I hate myself for it but sometimes I will it and it kills my soul.
I am so weak and will never be free but am also an awful horrible person for wishing death upon someone. I'm just so lost, disgusted with myself and just needed to let it all out.
Please, I don't need to be told how awful I am because I already know!