I need advice on what to make of a situation that occurred yesterday as I feel weird about it but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting in my head or under playing it, or maybe it’s a non-issue. I just don’t know.
The background: Over the last few days there have been lots of arguments with my BIL and his gf due to their unreasonable behaviour towards mainly me but also, to some extent, my dh. I am already nc with my FIL due to his abusive treatment of me (it’s not just me…he treats everyone in the family appallingly). My BIL is very similar to my FIL and seems threatened by women and doesn’t like it when the women, particularly “outsider” women stand up for themselves against the men in their family. Anyway, for the last year or so, him and his girlfriend have been treating me increasingly badly and I decided to try and nip it in the bud with them and clear the air. As you can imagine it went badly and I was repeatedly told how awful I am and that I only think of myself and I make everything about me. My dh and I were baffled at this accusation as it doesn’t sound like a description of me at all, if anything I take on too much so as not to burden other people or to help people out. We asked for examples and they could give only one example which was a time when they’d asked me to do something (strenuous and demanding) whilst heavily pregnant that I’d declined to do, and apparently that made me selfish and only think of myself. Anyway, the whole conversation ended with them screaming abuse at me, me shouting back and crying. I told my dh that I can’t be around people anymore who insist on treating me like this and said that once the dust had settled and I’d thought about the whole thing with a clear head that I may decide to go nc or lc with them. He agreed with me and said he would support whatever choice I made.
So last night, he asked how I was feeling and I said that I was feeling upset and anxious about being around them again after how they had behaved towards me and that I thought it was best for me if I cut contact with them, at least for the time being. He made a sharp toned comment to me along the lines of “oh you’re cutting more of my family out” and as he’s always been so supportive about my going nc with his father because he’s seen firsthand how upset I’ve been from his comments and actions against me, I was shocked at dh’s tone and said “excuse me?”. He then backed down and softened his tone and said he supported me and that I had to do whatever made me happy. We spoke about everything that had happened and he seemed cold towards me and I ended up getting really upset, crying and shaking and told him that I felt like his family were breaking me down bit by bit and I was losing myself being around them and I can’t go on like this anymore (it’s been 16 years). He hugged me and said that he loved me and he couldn’t bear seeing me like this anymore and suggested I see a therapist or counsellor to work through my issues, which I agree with.
The issue: we went up to bed and as soon as we got in the bedroom he hugged me and told me he loved me and he didn’t want anyone to hurt me anymore and he would support me anyway he could. We hugged for about 5 minutes and then he kind of turned me around so my back was to him and said he felt really horny and that me making him angry must have caused it??! At no point during our conversation had he seemed angry so I felt confused. And then he grabbed me roughly by the back of my neck and shoved me face down onto the bed and held me down forcefully and rubbed himself against me. I asked him to let me up and he did and then he grabbed my breasts really tightly and squeezed them until they hurt. Again, I asked him to stop because it was hurting me, and he did, but then tried to get me to put my hand down his trousers before putting his hand on my head to force me down to his crotch. At that point our toddler started crying in his bedroom and dh let me go.
By the time I went back into the bedroom he was asleep. I’ve not mentioned anything to him since because I can’t work out what the hell was going on. On the one hand I’m thinking maybe it was just the heightened emotions of the last few days coming out in him. On the other hand, it felt like he was trying to dominate me or punish me. Or maybe it was nothing and I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. I’m so confused.
In 16 years together he has never been anything but respectful when we’ve had sex. He’s never pressurised me into doing anything I didn’t want to do. He’s listened to me when I’ve told him there are certain things I won’t do and he’s never once asked me to do anything he knows I wasn’t comfortable with. It seems so out of character of him. We haven’t had sex in a long time due to a whole host of issues involving toddlers that don’t sleep properly, his working hours, building work on our house meaning we lived separately for a number of months, his tiredness etc. So I’m wondering if he’s been watching porn and that has influenced this. I need outsiders to tell me what to make of this behaviour because I can’t think straight at the moment.