What happened? DH weird behaviour.

[OrangeSmorange]

I need advice on what to make of a situation that occurred yesterday as I feel weird about it but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting in my head or under playing it, or maybe it’s a non-issue. I just don’t know.

The background: Over the last few days there have been lots of arguments with my BIL and his gf due to their unreasonable behaviour towards mainly me but also, to some extent, my dh. I am already nc with my FIL due to his abusive treatment of me (it’s not just me…he treats everyone in the family appallingly). My BIL is very similar to my FIL and seems threatened by women and doesn’t like it when the women, particularly “outsider” women stand up for themselves against the men in their family. Anyway, for the last year or so, him and his girlfriend have been treating me increasingly badly and I decided to try and nip it in the bud with them and clear the air. As you can imagine it went badly and I was repeatedly told how awful I am and that I only think of myself and I make everything about me. My dh and I were baffled at this accusation as it doesn’t sound like a description of me at all, if anything I take on too much so as not to burden other people or to help people out. We asked for examples and they could give only one example which was a time when they’d asked me to do something (strenuous and demanding) whilst heavily pregnant that I’d declined to do, and apparently that made me selfish and only think of myself. Anyway, the whole conversation ended with them screaming abuse at me, me shouting back and crying. I told my dh that I can’t be around people anymore who insist on treating me like this and said that once the dust had settled and I’d thought about the whole thing with a clear head that I may decide to go nc or lc with them. He agreed with me and said he would support whatever choice I made.

So last night, he asked how I was feeling and I said that I was feeling upset and anxious about being around them again after how they had behaved towards me and that I thought it was best for me if I cut contact with them, at least for the time being. He made a sharp toned comment to me along the lines of “oh you’re cutting more of my family out” and as he’s always been so supportive about my going nc with his father because he’s seen firsthand how upset I’ve been from his comments and actions against me, I was shocked at dh’s tone and said “excuse me?”. He then backed down and softened his tone and said he supported me and that I had to do whatever made me happy. We spoke about everything that had happened and he seemed cold towards me and I ended up getting really upset, crying and shaking and told him that I felt like his family were breaking me down bit by bit and I was losing myself being around them and I can’t go on like this anymore (it’s been 16 years). He hugged me and said that he loved me and he couldn’t bear seeing me like this anymore and suggested I see a therapist or counsellor to work through my issues, which I agree with.

The issue: we went up to bed and as soon as we got in the bedroom he hugged me and told me he loved me and he didn’t want anyone to hurt me anymore and he would support me anyway he could. We hugged for about 5 minutes and then he kind of turned me around so my back was to him and said he felt really horny and that me making him angry must have caused it??! At no point during our conversation had he seemed angry so I felt confused. And then he grabbed me roughly by the back of my neck and shoved me face down onto the bed and held me down forcefully and rubbed himself against me. I asked him to let me up and he did and then he grabbed my breasts really tightly and squeezed them until they hurt. Again, I asked him to stop because it was hurting me, and he did, but then tried to get me to put my hand down his trousers before putting his hand on my head to force me down to his crotch. At that point our toddler started crying in his bedroom and dh let me go.

By the time I went back into the bedroom he was asleep. I’ve not mentioned anything to him since because I can’t work out what the hell was going on. On the one hand I’m thinking maybe it was just the heightened emotions of the last few days coming out in him. On the other hand, it felt like he was trying to dominate me or punish me. Or maybe it was nothing and I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. I’m so confused.

In 16 years together he has never been anything but respectful when we’ve had sex. He’s never pressurised me into doing anything I didn’t want to do. He’s listened to me when I’ve told him there are certain things I won’t do and he’s never once asked me to do anything he knows I wasn’t comfortable with. It seems so out of character of him. We haven’t had sex in a long time due to a whole host of issues involving toddlers that don’t sleep properly, his working hours, building work on our house meaning we lived separately for a number of months, his tiredness etc. So I’m wondering if he’s been watching porn and that has influenced this. I need outsiders to tell me what to make of this behaviour because I can’t think straight at the moment.

Could he leave the family home for a while so that you can process what happened and clear your head? I think he needs to understand your fears and his behaviour.

Oh my god. Look, this is really bad tbh. I couldn't get past someone I loved assaulting me like this, I'd never, ever dream of treating my bf like this no matter how angry I was!

You've lost your trust in him and frankly you should contact the police and file charges against him-he is guilty of sexual assault and I would never be in the same house with him again. Your next argument over his family and will he murder you?

This is sexual assault and violence @OrangeSmorange . So sorry you went through this.

I imagine it as in their family women are always seen as subordinate. You weren't 'knowing your place' and so he tried to use his penis to subdue you. He felt horny (if he did at all, rather than it just being something hhe did to dominate you) at the opportunity of subduing a woman's autonomy. Especially his woman, how dare you have a different opinion to him.

The whole family are evil, and he's shown he's one of them now. Please leave ASAP and have as little contact with them all (includng him) as possible.

Oh and he tried to turn around BIL etc being awful to meaning you need counselling for your 'issues.' You might need counselling to get your head around what they've all said/done, to get your head around iit, but how you feel about it isn't a result of you being bonkers or anything like that.

I'm going to speak to him tonight once dc are in bed and see what he says. I guess his reaction will tell me what I need to know.

Even if he's nice as pie OP, it doesn't/shouldn't make a difference. He sexually assaulted you. Even if he was upset/angry about something, that stiill doesn't make it ok. Even if he apologizes or turns on the tears, he still did it and could again, or worse.

Take your time. Mumsnet often goes straight in for wanting people to make life changing decisions. It’s your life and you need to do what’s best for you. Not for people on the Internet wanting fast updates.

@OrangeSmorange

Thank you for your replies. I'm sat in tears silently crying because I feel sick reading what you've all written. I thought I was making it into a bigger deal than it really was. My judgement is obviously completely screwed up.

There's nothing wrong with your judgment; if you didn't think that what he did was wrong, you wouldn't have posted.

What's wrong is that you don't validate your own feelings, and you're asking MN because you need validation from outside yourself. His whole attitude suggests that this is a pattern in your relationship; he asks how you feel, then makes barbed comments rather than support you, and tells you you need counselling, which you accept. As if there's something wrong with you that needs fixing.

The fact that you think your judgment is screwed up is also a sign that you are accepting the fallacy that something is wrong with you.

There's nothing wrong with you, OP, except that you believe that there's something wrong with you.

If your partner does something sexually that makes you feel the way you feel, tell him, in no uncertain terms. If he doesn't respect that, leave. There is no need for uncertainty. You know 100% how you feel about this. Respect your feelings, and get rid of anybody who doesn't respect them. They are the real you.

This is really upsetting to read. I'm so sorry you experienced this.

I just wanted to say that he made a choice to continually invade your personal space, to hurt you physically and emotionally. He might have stuff from the past, he might have a shit family but he made that decision. Do not excuse his behaviour because of his circumstances. Whatever the reason, he made that choice and it is 100% reasonable to hold him to account for that.

This is just a nightmare, op, I'm so sorry. I would be equal parts terrified and enraged if I were you.

Did you speak to him last night?

Either him seeing his brother treat you like shot has made him feel he can do the same. Or he feels that you are getting too self confident for daring to remove his abusive brother from your life and he now is showing his abuser tendencies to keep you in line.

He attacked you when you were feeling vulnerable. Cut him out of your life along with his whole horrible family.

@OrangeSmorange

What a frightening experience your husband put you through, especially after the shocking attack from his brother and his girlfriend earlier. Being sexually attacked out of the blue when you were already vulnerable, from someone who you thought supportive and loving towards you must have been devastating and bewildering. Thank goodness your child cried out when they did or it could have been so much worse.

I think the dreadful, physically and emotionally abusive childhoods your husband and his siblings had HAS affected them, and they've just taken different periods of time for the genie to come out of the bottle.

The damage that was done. The picture you paint of their father belting your husband as a child and making his other young children watch. As a warning? For his own pleasure? What an evil man.

You said:

It seems like he wants me to bend to them for peace and quiet rather than allow me to stand my ground and cause ructions. I can't get my head around that attitude. He's seen me crumble time and time again because of their behaviour towards me and my family, but it's easier to get me to conform to them. I feel sick that he would think this, and that he would physical assault me to punish me.

Yes, how dare you, after so long putting up with bullying behaviour (which incidentally your husband was part of as he took no steps to remove any of you, himself or his child away from) stand up for yourself and attempt to build boundaries to keep yourself safe?

I think all the siblings each need their own psychological help to work through their abusive childhoods and the triggers which release their abhorrent behaviours to others. In this case you have been the target of all the men in this family plus BIL's girlfriend equally as bad and/or protecting herself to keep the violence away from herself.

You also said:

He hugged me and said that he loved me and he couldn’t bear seeing me like this anymore and suggested I see a therapist or counsellor to work through my issues, which I agree with.

I think you SHOULD get your own 1:1 professional counsellor so you can talk to someone neutral in real life about the last 16 years and the recent events. You need this - for you.

Where do you go to from here? It's so hard, given trust and love you've shared for so long? But how can you trust him again in your life together, especially when you make yourself vulnerable to him in intimacy?

As well as a counsellor I suggest you contact Women's Aid to talk and see how they can advise you and what your options are for the future. No need to take action on the advice yet if you don't wish to or are not ready, but knowledge is power, OP. And possibly a key to a happier, safer future. Good luck. 🌹

Something about the way you described the changes in his brother's personality, plus your husband's, and his dad being ill made me wonder about Huntingdons disease. It seems unlikely, but I thought I'd mention it so you can look it up and see if anything fits just in case.

@MuggleStudiesResearchProject OP's husband hasn't been ill though, he 'just' sexually assaulted her, as a result of her having angered him.

Disinhibition from a brain disease doesn't tend to work that way. There was a 'reason' for what he did, which he alluded to himself.

And if OP's FiL was dying of Huntingdon's they would presumably know about it.

Apart from the very wrong sexual degradation this post has a very sinister undertone.

He has neither supported by stating you need councelling or by not intervening himself to protect you against his family.

His physical act against you was an act of picking on you when you were vunerable, a sort of joining in with the bullies and you were the scapegoat.
Unpleasant, when you needed care love and comfort he betrayed you.

I would not trust this man with your future emotional care or wellbeing.

You mentioned a toddler in the house?

Childhood can come racing back to people when they have children. They can start to behave like their parent did often because that is the only "map" they have.

What he did to you is horrible. I would carefully plan a concise, sharply worded "what it was and why it will not happen again" speech to deliver to him as soon as possible.

No tears. Steely.

You need to be prepared in case it happens again.

He seems to have reached his own kind of boiling point, about the family issues that you speak of, and then resorted to take things out on you, by resorting to this nasty sexual behaviour towards you. Quite unforgiveable if he cannot control his inner anger.

How did your talk go @OrangeSmorange ?