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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

serial cheat

47 replies

TillyM1963 · 16/08/2021 14:07

My husband has had 2 affairs, that I know of. I forgave him the first one. I am his 4th wife and he cheated on all the others. He never left his marriage for another woman. All 3 wives left him. Now he has confessed that he is seeing someone else. I told him to leave and all he would say is 'it's not that easy'. He wouldn't explain why he cheated who she was or how long. He eventually told me she works in a pub where he was carrying out maintenance work. She left her husband, but not for him apparently. I packed most of his things and 2 days later he went for the weekend, with his bags and snook a dinner set, cutlery, pots and pans. He then came home on the Monday! We never spoke, he came in from work and went straight up to his bedroom. That lasted all week and the pattern was repeated the following weekend. I have asked him to leave and not flit between hers and my home. But he refuses, though last week he stayed with her on the Tuesday night. He has now received a solicitor letter, stating what I am entitled to. He does not want me to touch his pension, but the pension is worth more than the equity in the house. It is so cruel that he thinks he can come and go as he pleases. He has already said he is leaving me for her, so why doesn't he just go. Is there anyway I can force him out. We own the property jointly.

OP posts:
Original poster
TillyM1963 · 16/08/2021 14:08

Since finding out, I have also discovered he has been on porn sites for years and buying viagra and flowers on line since last February, none for my benefit!

OP posts:
Catlover1970 · 16/08/2021 14:15

I feel for you. He obviously has a taste for wedding cake.

SnatchCassidy · 16/08/2021 14:36

Tell him it is that simple, you don't live him anymore. Get legal advice urgently.

SnatchCassidy · 16/08/2021 14:36

Love not live

frozendaisy · 16/08/2021 14:37

Find out what you are legally entitled to and divorce.

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 16/08/2021 14:38

Divorce is the only way you get him out. He’ll know that.

Original poster
TillyM1963 · 16/08/2021 14:56

Thanks I have told him I am starting divorce proceedings, but for my mental state of health I need him to leave. When he goes for the weekend its like a weight off my shoulder, but come Monday when I know he'll be back, is making me ill. He's done wrong and should do the decent thing and leave. I am capable of selling the house by myself, all he has to do is sign. I have given him a financial plan which I worked out, so I will find out tonight whether he agrees with it or not. Thats if he mentions it . As I said all he does is come in the house, go straight upstairs, sneeks down when i'm in the lounge to refill his wine glass. He sometimes spends 2 hours in the bath and then washes his works clothes (not in the bath). Can't face me for some reason! When I have text him asking politely to stay away, he texts back 'i'll be back later'. So I don't bother any more. I can't understand why he told me he has been seeing someone and is leaving to be with her but only goes part time! Maybe he expected me to be a wailing banishee and all I have been is very calm.

OP posts:
Muma1992 · 16/08/2021 15:10

Did you not see perhaps a massive red flag that he had been married 3 times before and all those wives had left him?

user1471457751 · 16/08/2021 15:12

How long have you been married and do you have any children? This will in part determine whether you are being reasonable in expecting any of his pension.

I'm struggling with why you decided to marry him though with his track record. Surely you knew this was likely to be your future.

baileys6904 · 16/08/2021 15:14

Useful cooment @muma1992, must be amazing to have never fucked up but let's hope if you do, you don't get someone kick you when you're down

Outbutnotoutout · 16/08/2021 15:14

Make sure you take half his pension and half the house

SnatchCassidy · 16/08/2021 15:14

The house is jointly owned and there's no domestic violence here so you might struggle with getting him to leave unless he agrees to. Don't just tell him you are starting divorce proceedings, crack on and do it and show him you mean business.

Original poster
TillyM1963 · 16/08/2021 15:23

I should have seen the red flag but sadly didnt, he was such a 'nice guy', but having since read, serial cheaters are charming. No children thank goodness. Been together 17 years, married 10. His other marriages lasted 2 years, 7 years and 2 years.
He seriously should come with a health warning!

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 16/08/2021 15:31

At 10 years married then starting point should be 50/50 split of assets so don't let the cheating scumbag screw you over financially

Original poster
TillyM1963 · 16/08/2021 15:37

Thanks , as I am 3 years older than him, 60 next year, my solicitor is aiming for 60/40 - 65/35 split in equity. He can now get 25% tax free from his pension = £60k so I should get that, to enable me to buy a property for cash. He then said we will go for 50% of the remainder of his pension. Savings 50/50. He has a good job, far better paid than me and he would be able to get a mortgage, I work 25 hrs per week and earn less than half of what he earns. He will go ballistic when he knows I am going for his pension!

OP posts:
SnatchCassidy · 16/08/2021 15:42

@TillyM1963

Thanks , as I am 3 years older than him, 60 next year, my solicitor is aiming for 60/40 - 65/35 split in equity. He can now get 25% tax free from his pension = £60k so I should get that, to enable me to buy a property for cash. He then said we will go for 50% of the remainder of his pension. Savings 50/50. He has a good job, far better paid than me and he would be able to get a mortgage, I work 25 hrs per week and earn less than half of what he earns. He will go ballistic when he knows I am going for his pension!
Too bad. He should have kept it in his pants. Rinse him out and show him he can't keep treating women like this.
Original poster
TillyM1963 · 16/08/2021 15:44

I will be the only one of his wives who will be taking him for every penny. The others walked away with little and definitely no pension.
He does have to realise you cannot keep treating women like this.

OP posts:
BubblesThaDragoon · 16/08/2021 16:01

Good for you OP - he should have thought about his pension when he was out humping other women like a dirty flea ridden dog!

Original poster
TillyM1963 · 17/08/2021 11:29

So I left on his bed a letter saying we need to get things moving. And that he should show me some respect. It is my home not a hotel, and as he has made his choice will he please just leave. I also gave him a financial plan which I think is fair but he will not as it includes his pension. I then went out for a couple of hours while he read his letters. He just stayed upstairs, too much of a coward to face me and discuss things. Talk about yellow!!!
Then I had an awful feeling, maybe this woman doesn't want him full time, maybe he's happy seeing her at weekends and coming home to his nice 4 bed detached on the other nights. Though when he is 'home' he locks himself in his bedroom, sneeks down to replenish his wine glass, washes his work clothes (i didnt even know he knew how the machine worked) I do nothing for him, he used to come home to a cooked meal every night, clean tidy house, he didnt have to lift a finger, more fool me!!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/08/2021 11:46

I think you should let your solicitor deal with his solicitor about finances. I wouldn't discuss them with him.

Original poster
TillyM1963 · 17/08/2021 11:56

Trouble is he hasnt yet seen a solicitor. I needed to do something to let him know that I mean business. Otherwise I think he will just try and sidle back into the relationship as he did last time. He wants his cake, with jam and cream!

OP posts:
CorrBlimeyGG · 17/08/2021 12:06

Is there a reason why you work part time? His behaviour is atrocious, but I can't see any justification for you getting more than half the assets. The usual reason for this is when a woman gives up their career to raise children, or otherwise sacrifices their earning potential for the family. Does that apply here?

Also remember he is entitled to (as a starting point) half your assets too.

wednesday32 · 17/08/2021 12:16

You need to book a consultation with a solicitor specialising in separation/divorce. They will communicate with your husband and/or his solicitor if he chooses to appoint one. I wouldn't start writing up financial suggestions without speaking to a professional who can go through with you step by step what you are entitled to.

Original poster
TillyM1963 · 17/08/2021 12:24

I work part time as we both agreed this. I have already spoken with a solicitor and my husband has had a letter from him. The figures I gave husband was based on the percentage the solicitor told me. I did put without prejudice on the documents I gave him.
He can gladly have half my assets as mine are a lot less than his.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/08/2021 12:35

You are going to have to grit your teeth and just follow the process - there's no legal way to force him out before the divorce.

You can however make his use of your home unpleasant. Every time he sneaks down for a glass of wine, shout "is that you, you cowardly cunt?" Get up at 5am and start vacuuming outside his bedroom door, making sure you bang his door. Get an alarm clock, set it for 2am every day and hide it in his room. I'd be tempted to do the old prawns down the radiator trick but that might affect the house sale. (Bear in mind he might retaliate though. I'd do it, but I can be a right childish cow sometimes!)