Had a baby and our marriage has changed

Anordinarymum · 16/08/2021 12:22

Of course you are different now. It does not mean your marriage is over though. You just have to work a little harder at the stuff that makes you special. Don't just become parents, work at the couple stuff too

user97495 · 16/08/2021 12:41

You need to invest in time with each other. Do you have a babysitter you can trust? Ideally, time together away from the child (now over 1) is vital. But if it isn't physically possible due to lack of childcare I would make sure you talk about it, ensure you're both on the same page (it won't work if only you commit to invest time), and maybe some at home date nights, or lunch if baby goes to childcare. Essentially, time just you too where you can manage it and talk about the big stuff, where do you see yourselves in X time, what goals do you have, set some goals together. Just find a way to bring your lives together that isn't just about the baby.

ElderflowerRose · 16/08/2021 12:52

I had a baby in december and I also have a WFH DP

I find it incredibly lonely having someone THERE all of the time, but not there.

WhoppingBigBackside · 16/08/2021 12:53

Honestly, he helps as much as he can.

It's not helping, it's pulling his weight. You need to share the parenting.
She's his child as much as she is yours.
Let him be a parent too.

Original poster

PorridgeOaf · 16/08/2021 12:59

Thanks for your thoughts.

@whoppingbigbackside this is interesting as I think we do have issues with this. I've maybe become a bit possessive of her? We both have different ways of parenting and I find it hard not to be critical. Just tiny things like, look the sun's in her eyes please pull down the sun shade on the pram, or, try to make sure you keep talking to her, just because she can't speak yet doesn't mean she's not taking everything in. I think maybe I need to let it go a bit.

OP posts:

penguinparty00 · 16/08/2021 13:04

I could of write this it's honestly changed everything so I really do sympathise, I feel we don't have fun, we don't laugh and I feel myself closing off to him almost becoming quite cold I'm not fussed about cuddling or kissing either let alone anything else. I spoke to him recently and we are trying to build on things and have a date night organised ( I never thought I'd be one of those couples who has scheduled date nights but I guess that's where we are now ) I can't offer much in the way of help as I'm living it too but all I can say is for me it's getting worse and I feel more colder and distant as time has gone on so if you can chat and arrange "together" time without the little one that could be a really positive start xx

Itsseweasy · 16/08/2021 13:16

We went through this! I had full control of baby’s routine and wanted my husband to do everything the same way that I did.
He resented that I tried to control it all and felt that I didn’t trust him.
I resented it when he didn’t keep to my careful routine!
Basically the first year was HARD.
We talked about it often and agreed we would treat that time like being in survival mode and see any bickering for what it was (a result of being exhausted and stressed and a way to vent!)
Honestly during that time I thought I would have been better off just me and the baby, so at least I could do things my way and not have to worry about my marriage too!

But if you can get through that first couple of years, it really does get so much better. We are so much stronger for it and have a great relationship now, but the key for us was honest communication and not letting arguments blow up into more than they really are about.
Easy for me to say now! but I remember only too well what you have described. You’ll get though it.

Mismatched09 · 16/08/2021 13:20

I have found the exact same op.
We are almost 2 years into baby number 2 and we are constantly at breaking point.
Number 1 was fairly similar and we hit some major issues which pushed us to the brink, and looking back I'm genuinely not sure how we survived it otherwise I'd be doing the same at this point.
I've started to be really really honest with dh about how I feel and what i need. The problem I now have is that he seems to think he is incapable of thinking about his emotions or talking about things without me being the one to initiate/say everything and he just agrees.
I've said he needs to find a way to identify where he feels we could make improvements, be able to self criticise his own behaviour as well as help me identify where my weaknesses are all in a non judgemental fashion so we can work on them together.
Another option is counselling of some kind, which I have suggested to dh but he flat out refuses, so I've said he needs to find a way to talk of his own accord then.
Really hope you are able to make progress.

Anordinarymum · 16/08/2021 13:27

And then you complain your husbands don't do enough ! Just chill and allow your husband to look after the child his way. It isn't going to kill anyone is it ?

RosesAndHellebores · 16/08/2021 13:34

As someone who has been married for more than 30 years. Marriages are organic, growing things and you both have to learn about the others responses and frailties as the big life events happen: marriage itself, childbirth, parenthood, miscarriage, bereavement, illness, and also the good times.

A marriage or partnership requires compromise and negotiation, support and understanding and you have to make time to make time for each other and most of all to be kind and to be loyal.

I cannot imagine covid and wfh will have helped at all.

Original poster

PorridgeOaf · 16/08/2021 15:41

Sorry to hear others are going through the same thing but it's quite reassuring too that it's not just us! Intimacy has gone down the pan for us and other friends are already pregnant with their second and I think it's got me thinking how we're really not in a good place to do it all again

I just really don't understand why I'm feeling so differently towards him, I've become naggy and controlling and uptight which isn't really like me. I put it down to tiredness and hormones initially but I don't know how much longer I can use those as an excuse...

I'm going to do what others have suggested and try to keep communication going. He's a good talker and doesn't shut things down (that's me) so I hope we can work things out that way. Can't really afford couples counseling unfortunately

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Polkadots2021 · 16/08/2021 18:32

@PorridgeOaf

I'm looking to hear from those who maybe went through something similar, and ideally those who have found themselves in a better place...

I had a baby over a year ago, much wanted and although it's been really tough and there were a lot of low points during the first 12m (esp with Covid and lockdowns), she is now a total delight. She sleeps really well, eats well, is developing well. She and I have grown very close over the past couple of months and although obviously we still have hard times with illnesses and general toddler stress, we're in the best place we've ever been.

My marriage however, is not.

He's a great dad and a great husband. Honestly, he helps as much as he can. He's been wfh the whole time and it's been such an anchor for me to have him here. He isn't lacking in any way. Which is why I find myself so puzzled as to why we feel more distant than ever. We have been bickering constantly, it's like we're both on a hair trigger. Our sense of humour has fallen out of sync. I just don't feel that connected to him, despite him having been around the entire time.

I saw something on Insta the other day where a mum was talking about how they nearly got divorced during the first year, and it was almost like they had to get to know each other all over again and work out a new way of being together. Is this common? What can we do? We've had date nights which didn't really fix anything. It's the constant undercurrent of stress and annoyance that we can't seem to move past. I know we're both drained and tired but I really did not predict us being in this place. It feels like we're completely different people.

Help! I don't want to leave, I want to fix it.

OP someone once told me that having a baby was like having a bomb go off in your relationship. I think that's kind of true. The first couple of years can be quite hardcore and it takes a while to get the romance, time to finish an actual conversation, etc, back. Hang in there, you'll get it all back!

Original poster

PorridgeOaf · 16/08/2021 19:19

@Polkadots2021 thank you, very much needed to hear this. It sometimes feels like everyone else is coping much better than us!

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WhoppingBigBackside · 16/08/2021 19:29

@PorridgeOaf, that's really sweet of you to respond so nicely to my 'reading between the lines' post.

A lot of it is 'hormones' and 'instinct', and it sounds like you are doing a sterling job with your baby, but let Dad do his bit too. Like others have posted, it is a big change when a baby arrives. Relax a little bit and the romance will come back.

TonkaTrucker · 16/08/2021 19:37

I think it just takes a massive reset from both of you in how you interact with each other.
It's the daily, mundane, inconsequential interactions that it's important to change first.
Be respectful and polite. No sniping, nagging, eye rolling, snapping.
Do the tiny things, say good morning, ask how each other are, say please and thank you. Stay calm when the pram won't open or he's doing 'something wrong'.
Be beside each other not against each other and both commit to being plain decent to each other as a baseline. No/very low tolerance for rudeness. Quick apology if it happens.
Let a lot of stuff go if you can.
This has to come from both of you.
If you're feeling really lost, I think try some really radical empathy and write him a letter, tell him all the wonderful things you love about him, how sad you are that you've got to this place and what you would like for the future. Just as an expression of desire not an exercise in blame.
We all know we can't be pissy and grumpy with colleagues and service staff and we have to be empathetic and calm with toddlers, but we don't extend our partners the same courtesy a lot of the time.
I think a huge commitment to speak to and treat each other well is the first step to drawing closer, feeling more comfortable in each other's presence and then tackling any big stuff that is left

Mommabear20 · 16/08/2021 20:51

I feel like I'm reading my own story!
I can honestly say my DH is a fantastic husband and dad and I love him more now that we have kids than I ever thought was possible, but we too seem different and possibly distant as a couple. It definitely takes more work after kids to keep a marriage fresh and exciting, it's so easy to just fall into being parents and not priorities each other. Try going for a walk together and discuss what you feel your issues are, I find DH is more reciprocal if we're away from the house as he doesn't have other distractions around. Good luck!

Original poster

PorridgeOaf · 16/08/2021 22:29

@TonkaTrucker I feel like printing this out and carrying it with me at all times...such good advice and stuff I've been thinking about, too. I've resisted it because in a way I felt if I went back to 'polite mode' I somehow wasn't being honest, and sort of treating him like a colleague. But maybe that's what we need now to get back to something gentler.

@Mommabear20 a walk is a good idea, not least because we've been stuck in these four walls for far too long recently

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TonkaTrucker · 16/08/2021 22:58

@PorridgeOaf

I think in that first year after baby, it's such a hard adjustment. You're used to being your 'true self' and sharing things with your partner, that's probably why you fell so in love in the first place and felt so good around them etc. After baby you're tired and hanging onto your sense of self and sanity by a thread and you can't take it out on a baby, or show that side to anyone else, and your DP is an adult right, he should be able to take it and understand? If you can't be off duty with him when can you be? But actually this constant background hum of annoyance and resentment that's between you will drown out all the really good stuff. I think being polite and calm and helpful definitely is faking it for a while, when you're doing so much and regulating your emotions so much already, so it can feel strange but it's honestly vital. And you sort of fake it till you make it. It only works if you're both doing it though.
And it's about now that it's so important to model well to your growing child. About how we speak to our partners, stay calm, deal with stress, apologise, support. And just the general vibe.
It's like the difference between being in the backseat of a cat when the driver has roadrage or when the driver is calm.
A sense of calm, with mutual respect and politeness as a bare minimum is such an important starting point. You can still share how you feel but as a bid for support not an attack.
When you can speak to eachother decently then you can start speaking to each other lovingly, when you can speak to each other lovingly you can also be more physically affectionate, when you feel closer together you can start laughing. Then you'll find how you can be more like the people you were but as parents, and partners.

We had a tough time in the first year after first baby. Didn't want to divorce but could really starkly see how everything could fall apart and it could happen. Such a shock to both of us to find ourselves there. Like you, no time or money for counselling. I'm actually glad we sorted it out between us though. We were resourceful, did the work, radical, totally committed kindness to each other. Now in a truly wonderful place after second baby (but please don't pressure yourself to have another by a certain time. Let yourself reconnect as a couple first otherwise it will just be hell).

Mischance · 16/08/2021 23:09

Just looking at one aspect of all this: it is very easy to follow your tigress instincts in defence of your young! Often this is very excluding for the father. I made a rule not to criticise my OH ever when he was doing things with the baby - and doing them his way and not mine! Deep breath - zip the lip!

I do think that your instincts as the mother who has carried this baby inside her for 9 months can be very protective; and rightly so up to a point. But it becomes very tempting to begin to think that your way is the only way.

We started a Daddy Day when everything was left to him and he did things his way. Often I was out at work that day and was in a degree of blissful ignorance as to what "his way" entailed. But I do know that my DC have grown up to be kind tolerant people and I put some of that down to the fact that they learned very early on that people do things differently and hold different views about things - and that is just fine.

AllAroundTheWorldYeah · 16/08/2021 23:12

Are you still breastfeeding? The hormones can have such a big impact on your mental health, & it's very common for them to cause you to relate to your partner very differently (less attraction for example)

WhoppingBigBackside · 17/08/2021 08:41

if you want to discuss this with your DH, go for a walk. Talking side by side can be a lot less confrontational.

Indecisivelurcher · 17/08/2021 08:46

Do you know what though, being together but not together all the time thanks to covid a wfh won't be helping with this. If he went to work he'd talk to other people, come home with things to say, you'd go to baby groups etc, I think being in the house together all the time is a bit like trigger stacking in a way.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/08/2021 08:56

How much time does he have DD alone? So you can get a coffee and he can parent how he likes?

Sounds like you've got it all sorted (in your head) and know what's best for her at all times and he just isn't good enough because he doesn't do it your way so you're parenting them both

Meanwhile every time he interacts with her he knows your sitting there judging, ready to tell hom how he isn't doing it RIGHT and subconsciously reminding him he isn't as good a parent as you.

Of course you both resent each other

If the sun is in her eyes, pull the sunshade down. But why do you need to tell hom to do ot rather than doing it?
If they're walking down the road together, he doesn't need to talk at her constantly. She's getting plenty of verbal input, she can also sit quietly in her buggy and just look and listen to the world.

He's allowed to parent her differently as long as he isn't causing harm

Pissinthepottyplease · 17/08/2021 09:02

There is a really good book called how not to hate your husband after kids. I would suggest you buy it and both read it.
Explain to him first that you don’t hate him but it’s just to get your relationship back on track.

Pinkbonbon · 17/08/2021 09:58

Just incase no one has mentioned op. You say he 'helps as much as he can'. Umm...its his kid. Taking care of his kid is not 'helping'. Its he job. It's his job to do an equal share. Maybe you feel resentful because it is made out to be him 'helping you out' as opposed to him actually doing what he is meant to do.